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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think views expressed on Mumsnet are at odds with my experiences of the real world?

102 replies

RealWorldxo · 10/12/2024 15:54

I am avoiding quoting specific threads as I know it is against the rules. However, I have seen a number of threads where the OP has been disappointed that certain friends have not shown any interest in their significant life events. Having a baby, buying first house by way of an example. The overwhelming concensus of replies to these type of posts seem to be that you cannot expect anyone apart from immediate family to care about your significant life events. People apparently have their own stuff going on and are crazily busy. To expect any level of interest is entitled, needy and demanding behaviour.
This genuinely surprises me. I would definitely be interested in things going on in my friend's lives as I care about them and want to see them happy. If I didn't, I would only class them as acquaintances. Even if they have stuff going on that I have no experience of, I would still express interest because I know these things are important in their lives.
I can't help wondering if a lot of people on MN would not be very rewarding as friends as they would only engage with topics of conversation are relevant to them?

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 11/12/2024 16:58

I think it depends what you mean by 'care about'.

Of course I care if one of my friends gets pregnant or moves house or whatever. But realistically I'm not going to say much other than 'Congratulations! When are you due/what are you having/are your family looking forward being grandparents/aunties/uncles/siblings to the new arrival'. I probably wouldn't be checking in with them on a weekly basis to ask how they are. Likewise when the baby's born I'll congratulate them and be delighted to see photos but I'm not going to be rushing over to 'meet' the baby unless invited and I'm not going to be asking for updates either.

Another2Cats · 11/12/2024 17:26

Plastictrees · 11/12/2024 16:07

@Bjorkdidit This is a bit of an outrageous claim, John Lewis is ubiquitous - you’d hardly go around asking anyone you know if they’d ever shopped there! It’s a good gift card suggestion because it’s a massive department store which stocks many different things.

No it isn't. I live in a city of 215,000 people and the two nearest John Lewis stores are 40 miles away in one direction and 45 miles in the other. I would bet that there are many people in the city that have never shopped in a John Lewis.

Although, to be fair, we do have quite a large Waitrose store in the city.

RampantIvy · 11/12/2024 17:29

My nearest John Lewis in Sheffield closed a few years ago. I have to go to Leeds if I want to shop there in person.

username299 · 11/12/2024 17:32

But you can use a gift voucher online.

CulturalNomad · 11/12/2024 17:43

In real life we only truly know a handful of people and naturally tend to prefer the company of people we have things in common with

Agree. We know what is "normal" for our own families and can be surprised by the wide range of what's considered normal for other people. And of course we gravitate towards friends who generally share our interests.

Also, people talk a lot of shit on the internet😂

Plastictrees · 11/12/2024 17:43

Another2Cats · 11/12/2024 17:26

No it isn't. I live in a city of 215,000 people and the two nearest John Lewis stores are 40 miles away in one direction and 45 miles in the other. I would bet that there are many people in the city that have never shopped in a John Lewis.

Although, to be fair, we do have quite a large Waitrose store in the city.

That’s interesting, maybe there is a north /south divide 😂Although I live in Scotland and there’s still a John Lewis nearby. Also most people online shop nowadays so it doesn’t really matter where the actual store is. I bought most of my baby stuff from John Lewis purely because they had the best deals on the things I wanted.

I would say Waitrose is more middle class than John Lewis but that is an argument for another thread!

Another2Cats · 11/12/2024 19:27

Plastictrees · 11/12/2024 17:43

That’s interesting, maybe there is a north /south divide 😂Although I live in Scotland and there’s still a John Lewis nearby. Also most people online shop nowadays so it doesn’t really matter where the actual store is. I bought most of my baby stuff from John Lewis purely because they had the best deals on the things I wanted.

I would say Waitrose is more middle class than John Lewis but that is an argument for another thread!

Edited

"I would say Waitrose is more middle class than John Lewis but that is an argument for another thread!"

I wouldn't disagree with you at all on this point - generally speaking. Which is why I've always been amazed that there is such a large store here (although not in the top 10 or anything).

The surrounding villages are very "naice" indeed and there are also smaller Waitrose stores in two market towns around 12 miles away.

But to return, at least vaguely, to the topic of this thread. Whenever the name of this city is mentioned in the Property section there is always a whole raft of posters who claim that this is the worst city in the country and that they would never live here.

This is very much at odds with my experience of living here. OK, the schools are certainly not the best in the country (although one did get into The Times best schools list) and there are very high numbers of people working in areas like distribution and manufacturing rather than very middle class jobs.

But, even so, the area has some very nice houses that are very affordable and is within a reasonable distance of London to make commuting very viable.

Perhaps they don't like diversity so much, (this city is rather more diverse than the average local authority area)?

The median local authority area in England & Wales has around 86% white British residents. For example, these are areas like Mansfield, York, Doncaster, East Cambridgeshire, Mid Sussex, South Gloucestershire, South Oxfordshire, Bath, Sevenoaks, West Berkshire, Tunbridge Wells etc.

The city I live in has around 59%. This is in line with places like Bradford, Coventry, Blackburn, Nottingham, Sutton etc.

So, overall, really not middle class at all but, for whatever reason, Waitrose seem to be doing reasonably well here.

Edingril · 11/12/2024 19:48

I don't notice as many double standards in real life nor as many as bitter and twisted

HappyMamma2023 · 11/12/2024 19:50

I think Mumsnet can be very negative. And actually the real world is a happier place 🌍

Bjorkdidit · 11/12/2024 20:17

Plastictrees · 11/12/2024 16:07

@Bjorkdidit This is a bit of an outrageous claim, John Lewis is ubiquitous - you’d hardly go around asking anyone you know if they’d ever shopped there! It’s a good gift card suggestion because it’s a massive department store which stocks many different things.

It really isn't.

I don't know anyone who would see it as the default for anything.

You seeing it that way is proving the OPs point.

RampantIvy · 11/12/2024 21:39

username299 · 11/12/2024 17:32

But you can use a gift voucher online.

Yes you can, but if I had been given a John Lewis gift voucher I would prefer to browse in store rather then online.

username299 · 12/12/2024 04:50

RampantIvy · 11/12/2024 21:39

Yes you can, but if I had been given a John Lewis gift voucher I would prefer to browse in store rather then online.

But you're saying that's very difficult, even impossible for you. Therefore you can use the gift voucher online.

Dextybooboo · 12/12/2024 05:11

The Christmas threads throw me I don't know if its a class thing, but in real life most people around me do Christmas similarly to how I do which seems polar opposite to mumsnet. Im norther. Grew up on a council estate. Didnt get a new bike if i needed one. I'm reluctant to post on here the gifts DD gets but in real life it's very very normal. I'd definitely be looked down on and receive some of mumnets finest comments if I did.

But tbf that's only a small part of mumsnet. When I've ever needed any advice about child rearing I've been inundated with helpful and supportive information. I'm not sure how I would have got through pregnancy losses, stillbirth and a very dangerous pregnancy without the support kind words and understanding of the people here. Swings and roundabouts I suppose.

Bjorkdidit · 12/12/2024 05:18

username299 · 12/12/2024 04:50

But you're saying that's very difficult, even impossible for you. Therefore you can use the gift voucher online.

But that makes using the voucher a chore, meaning it's not the best choice.

M&S would be far better as there's loads more stores so more likely that that people can use them whether for food or clothes, without needing to hunt around for something they need that's not too overpriced compared with where they normally shop so they make good use of the voucher and not feel they've wasted it.

Another way that MN differs from real life is that on here it seems that everyone is on Montjaro but I can't think of any people I know who've suddenly lost a lot of weight in the last year or two or drastically reduced the amount of food they eat.

JudgeJ · 12/12/2024 05:31

leojeojao · 10/12/2024 16:52

This gives me hope.. I thought it was just me thinking this way. Example: Now I am like "yeah right, I don't believe that". "I don't believe that she would divorce her husband just because he loves his golf too much and goes to play every weekend". But would suggest someone online to do it.

LTB and 'have a spa day's solve almost everything on MN!

JudgeJ · 12/12/2024 05:44

username299 · 11/12/2024 17:32

But you can use a gift voucher online.

Or you can buy gift cards that can be used in a wide range of shops instead.

username299 · 12/12/2024 05:49

JudgeJ · 12/12/2024 05:44

Or you can buy gift cards that can be used in a wide range of shops instead.

How does the gift giver know which shops are available to you? Remember this is a gift voucher to someone you don't know.

Dash0Cal · 12/12/2024 06:56

I think a lot of people on MN focus on what you are obliged to do as a friend/daughter/whatever. See also “it’s an invitation, not a summons”, “no is a complete sentence” etc. So yeah, friends aren’t obliged to take an interest in life event, I suppose. It’s a very transactional and black and white way of seeing relationships.

Jumell · 12/12/2024 07:37

Ok I think there’s definitely some truth in what you say OP.

What I’ve found though is that it IS true , sometimes so called ‘friends’ actually aren’t interested in my life events but looking back on my life I notice fairly soon after they’re ’dumped!’ 🤣💪

I mean I can think of one who openly admitted she came over my house cos there was no one else available well it wasn’t long before she was gone !

ThatLimeCat · 12/12/2024 10:03

They're just having a wank. Some are probably sharing their inner thoughts that they would never actually express to a friend - 'I don't care about your new puppy' etc.

RealWorldxo · 12/12/2024 17:52

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway
Anyhoo, I agree with much of what you say, except one thread you are on about (I think it is anyway,) where a poster was salty and annoyed because her friend wasn't super excited about her getting a new house. Like, people buying a new house is not terribly exciting for anyone except them!
I have no idea if we have both read the same threads. However, what I do know is that if a friend was buying a new house, I would at least take an interest /ask a few questions about it. Isn't that what friends do?

OP posts:
Plastictrees · 12/12/2024 18:37

RealWorldxo · 12/12/2024 17:52

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway
Anyhoo, I agree with much of what you say, except one thread you are on about (I think it is anyway,) where a poster was salty and annoyed because her friend wasn't super excited about her getting a new house. Like, people buying a new house is not terribly exciting for anyone except them!
I have no idea if we have both read the same threads. However, what I do know is that if a friend was buying a new house, I would at least take an interest /ask a few questions about it. Isn't that what friends do?

I completely agree, I’m excited if one of my friends is excited - I don’t tend to take a position of judgement about it.

I don’t think the poster of that thread was ‘salty’ at all but it certainly attracted bitter responses by the bucketload!

WhatNoRaisins · 12/12/2024 19:02

To me sharing your loved one's joys and commiserating them in their sorrows is a very normal and often quite fulfilling part of the human experience. I feel pretty sorry for people that can't do this, it's a lot to miss out on.

PontiacFirebird · 12/12/2024 19:03

Oh there are some odd fish on here, no question!
In real life most people I know had regular grandparent involvement in childcare/ some school pick ups/ sleepovers. Grandparents who we were very grateful to but could also drive us a bit mad…( no such thing as free childcare!) On MN I was astonished to discover how UTTERLY entitled I was asking my retired, healthy, 60- something mum to pick up twice a week and there was no reason at all for her to actually want to do this. Never mind that she loves her dc and me, and likes to help out. My children, my problem!
Transactional is bang on actually. It seems some people do live in a world where they only ever put in the exact amount they get out, never more. It’s all very carefully measured.
In real life I’m interested in my friends promotions, babies, houses, new shoes, holidays- everything really- and sometimes people ring my bell with no earning when they are passing and that’s fine!

Cableknitdreams · 12/12/2024 23:22

RealWorldxo · 12/12/2024 17:52

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway
Anyhoo, I agree with much of what you say, except one thread you are on about (I think it is anyway,) where a poster was salty and annoyed because her friend wasn't super excited about her getting a new house. Like, people buying a new house is not terribly exciting for anyone except them!
I have no idea if we have both read the same threads. However, what I do know is that if a friend was buying a new house, I would at least take an interest /ask a few questions about it. Isn't that what friends do?

Yes — I can't imagine not being excited, interested, caring, helpful, supportive, pleased...whatever emotion was apt for that particular friend buying a new house. It seems so bizarre that anyone wouldn't feel emotionally connected to their friends enough to share in their feelings about things going on in their lives. Mumsnet does have odd things on it sometimes. But this thread has been heartening.