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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“D”H refusing access to finance info

104 replies

Lostsavings · 10/12/2024 09:48

My DH and I never set up a joint account. Not a conscious choice, just never got round to it. We each hold some savings in our accounts and since getting married this has always been seen as “our” money, we’ve never done the separate finances thing. We’re meant to be saving for our future atm. Been married 10 years.

Turns out though he has spent a chunk of our savings in a very short amount of time. About £12k in 6 months. This is on top of wages that cover all the outgoings. There’s been no holidays/house Reno etc that would explain this.

As it’s not a joint account, I asked to see the statements to see where this money has gone. We have young children (2 under 5) and I want to be sure if it’s gambling/another addiction, shopping sprees, another woman, or whatever else it could be. He “can’t” answer questions on where it’s gone.

But it’s been months of asking and I’ve not seen them. I can’t access them myself because it’s not a joint account. What do I do? He keeps saying he’ll share them and he just needs time to run through them himself first (“so he can answer questions I have”) but it’s been more than 6 months and nothing. I have to LTB don’t I? There’s been so much gaslighting at this point I need reassurance I’m not being over the top? I can’t believe I have to ask but my head is a mess.

YABU - I’m being over the top, it’s not an urgent issue
YANBU - he needs to show me what’s in there now or I should walk

OP posts:
Smithhy · 10/12/2024 09:50

You need to issue an ultimatum… Show me the statements or the relationship is over.

Realistically the relationship is heading that way anyway. He is hiding something and is hoping you just go away and don’t ask again.

MrsKwazi · 10/12/2024 09:50

YANBU but i am amazed you let him fob you off for more than 6 months!

When was the last time you checked your credit file…

sanityisamyth · 10/12/2024 09:51

I had similar. It was a joint account though, which I wasn't allowed to have the log in details for. Turns out his salary was going into his own private account, and mine was being used for all the bills. He also took out credit cards and loans in my name, without my knowledge, and then left me to pay them off when we split up. They defaulted and fucked my credit history. Was an utter nightmare.

Keep asking for statements. Go into the bank and ask for a printed statement if you have to.

TipsyKoala · 10/12/2024 10:03

YANBU and this definitely rings alarm bells for me. However you can't consider any money that's not in an account accessible to you as "our" money. Your finances are completely separate. If you want joint savings that you can track you need to prioritise a joint account. Although, depending on what you discover, it may turn out for the best that you have your savings that he can't touch.

Eyresandgraces · 10/12/2024 10:08

Gambling or drugs?

Hunjii · 10/12/2024 10:10

It'll be gambling. How did you find out the money was gone?

ShaggyPutItOnWhatAPongItGaveHimTheShakesNShivers · 10/12/2024 10:13

As another potential reason, could he have been scammed and is deeply embarrassed to admit he fell for it? Possibly 'investing' in BitCoin or similar?

Or maybe he's planning to leave you and has been syphoning it off elsewhere in preparation?

BluePapillon · 10/12/2024 10:13

I’m confused - how do you know about this if you don’t have access to the account and cannot see statements?

Motomum23 · 10/12/2024 10:15

Ouch 12k in 6 months is eye watering yanbu

ShaggyPutItOnWhatAPongItGaveHimTheShakesNShivers · 10/12/2024 10:15

My post was just auto-hidden - maybe I used a 'trigger' word - something like 'piece currency' as a possibility that he may have 'invested' in it/otherwise been scammed - and the algorithm might have thought that I was trying to scam people into doing that?!

gamerchick · 10/12/2024 10:17

If I were you I'd be checking clear score and make sure there's no debt in your name you don't know about.

NZDreaming · 10/12/2024 10:24

@Lostsavings the fact he can’t give you a straight answer is all you really need to know. It shows he is lying and has lied repeatedly to cover up whatever it is he has spent the money on. That in itself is a huge issue and hard to come back from.

As for where the moneys gone there’s not going to be an answer that’s not awful, most likely drugs or gambling. I can’t think of a single thing that would justify that kind of expenditure that you would be ok with.

When he’s home tell him to log into his account and show you his statements. No discussion, no delaying, no excuses, he’s played this out long enough and you need answers. If he refuses then I think you don’t really have any choice but to ask him to leave.

Just to clarify he spent £12k in 6 months but you found out 6 months ago - is he still spending recklessly or did the outgoings stop when you found out?

TiramisuThief · 10/12/2024 10:28

How did you find out about the 12k if he's not showing you the accounts? Because depending on that answer, it might be a lot more than 12k and he's trying to hide that from you.

Unfortunately it's ultimatum time. I'm sure that feels very daunting. If he does show you and there are now debts DO NOT get into the trap of helping him pay them off. His issue to deal with.

User820825 · 10/12/2024 10:36

What is he actually saying? What words can he be using that are putting off sorting this out?

I can't imagine him saying for six months that he will show you and then just ...not. Because he's busy. Apart from one of your children falling down the stairs or something in that moment I can't see what could be more important.

If he can't understand how it's happened isn't he worried about fraud? He spending something like sixty or seventy pounds every single day and he doesn't know on what and he hasn't time to find out???

Bumblebeestiltskin · 10/12/2024 10:44

Yikes, I would have needed to see the accounts that very day, and I would have ended the relationship straight away without an acceptable explanation - which there can't be, surely?

Imbusytodaysorry · 10/12/2024 10:45

Smithhy · 10/12/2024 09:50

You need to issue an ultimatum… Show me the statements or the relationship is over.

Realistically the relationship is heading that way anyway. He is hiding something and is hoping you just go away and don’t ask again.

Exactly this !

Hopes op gives up asking .

It’s usually drugs or escorts or that sort

Oldandcobwebby · 10/12/2024 10:46

If you think it's £12,000 but he won't show you, it's going to be a LOT more. I'm guessing you'd be able to tell if he had a drug habit, so it's going to be gambling. He's hidden his behaviour from you, and now he's compounding his lies. I don't have a joint account with my wife, but my finances are totally open for her to see. Likewise, I can see hers any time I want. That's how normal people operate.

If I was in your place, I'd be making it a simple choice of show me or get out. I suspect that when you discover the truth of what's going on, you will want him gone anyway. You really do have my sympathy.

Superscientist · 10/12/2024 10:59

His avoidance makes me think gambling. I would imagine it's more than £12k but he's desperately trying to win back the money you don't know about which is probably causing the situation to snowball.
Is there someone who could take the kids for an hour. Sit down with your laptop/tablet and go through all of your accounts together.
We have a spreadsheet with all of our savings accounts in. We have a joint account for bills but then all the other money is in personal current and savings accounts. Every few months we go through the accounts and update the amount in the accounts and savings rates so we keep an eye that we are getting the best rates. It helps us know that we can afford re house renovations and other big purchases
I would approach it rather than I want to see where you have spent your money but we should do an inventory of our finances together. It will have the same effect but with a less confrontational start.

Msmoonpie · 10/12/2024 11:01

Either he shows you by the end of today or the relationship is over.

It’s likely over anyway as I expect he knows exactly where the money is gone. It’s £12000 - you don’t misplace it like a 50p.

KenAdams · 10/12/2024 11:05

OP I've seen this a few times. He's gambling.

You need to march him to the bank to get added to the account or demand he hands over what you put in. He's delaying letting you see it because he's trying to win it all back. What's actually happening is that he's losing more and more, so you need to gain control of the money ASAP before it's all gone.

Starlight1979 · 10/12/2024 11:06

He keeps saying he’ll share them and he just needs time to run through them himself first.

Yeah I bet he does.

ViciousCurrentBun · 10/12/2024 11:10

You give him an ultimatum.

He doesn’t have to give you access though, no financial declaration can be forced until divorce.

Its very obviously something negative.

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/12/2024 11:13

Good idea to check your credit rating. You will be financially linked, so if his finances are a mess, it'll show up in yours. Check any credit searches that have been made.

If you have a mortgage together, check that hasn't been increased without your knowledge

Check that direct debits from his account for household 4bills are still being paid.

BIossomtoes · 10/12/2024 11:14

BluePapillon · 10/12/2024 10:13

I’m confused - how do you know about this if you don’t have access to the account and cannot see statements?

I was wondering the same thing.

Nogaxeh · 10/12/2024 11:15

If it's gambling and he's been stonewalling you then the chances are he's been trying to win the money back so that there's less of a loss to admit to you. Quite possibly he's taking on large amounts of debt to try to win the savings back.

You can't let him delay any longer on this. The longer it goes on the worse it will get.