“D”H refusing access to finance info

[Lostsavings]

My DH and I never set up a joint account. Not a conscious choice, just never got round to it. We each hold some savings in our accounts and since getting married this has always been seen as “our” money, we’ve never done the separate finances thing. We’re meant to be saving for our future atm. Been married 10 years.

Turns out though he has spent a chunk of our savings in a very short amount of time. About £12k in 6 months. This is on top of wages that cover all the outgoings. There’s been no holidays/house Reno etc that would explain this.

As it’s not a joint account, I asked to see the statements to see where this money has gone. We have young children (2 under 5) and I want to be sure if it’s gambling/another addiction, shopping sprees, another woman, or whatever else it could be. He “can’t” answer questions on where it’s gone.

But it’s been months of asking and I’ve not seen them. I can’t access them myself because it’s not a joint account. What do I do? He keeps saying he’ll share them and he just needs time to run through them himself first (“so he can answer questions I have”) but it’s been more than 6 months and nothing. I have to LTB don’t I? There’s been so much gaslighting at this point I need reassurance I’m not being over the top? I can’t believe I have to ask but my head is a mess.

YABU - I’m being over the top, it’s not an urgent issue
YANBU - he needs to show me what’s in there now or I should walk

The reason she has a right to know is because it's her money too! They've both been saving but using her dh bank account

Legally inheritances are totally different to savings and are treated differently in divorces. One is considered to be a marital asset, the other isn't. That's why ppl were saying it was none if your business.

So it’s his money in his account.

How do you know it's £12k if you can't see the accounts?
It depends on perspective, is £12k a lot of money to you or is this just a small percentage of your savings?

Could be dental implants, cosmetic surgery. But most likely gambling.

@sanityisamyth I do get that it is annoying, but swiping doesn't work on my phone on the app either.

Can’t believe you have 2 kids and no shared accounts. This is insane. You’ve got no choice at this point other than to say you want full transparency or it’s over… the ‘light’ leverage was before you really committed imo! It’s bad enough he won’t tell you the reasons the moneys’ been spent let alone the set up. Theres obviously huge trust problems - not saying that’s wrong - it’s clearly the case here that he is not being transparent - but this runs deeper than just about the money. Lots of luck x

6 months?! Wtf? He's taking the piss and scrambling your head so much you can't see the wood for the trees.

DP and I have a combination of individual and joint accounts, with all money seen as "joint". If either one of us asked to see the accounts held in the other's name, those details could be produced within a week, irrespective of work/family commitments/crisis incidents. 6 months is ludicrous, he's hiding his spending and at this stage it doesn't really matter why, the fact of it alone is unacceptable.

By giving him 6 months (so far) you've essentially told him he can take his merry time and the worst that will happen is you'll ask him intermittently and he'll have to find another "reason" to not share.

No more chances, pack up and leave and tell him you'll talk when he's come clean and then you make the decision whether his reason was genuine.

Have they? I got the impression that the OP had her own account and was saving into that. But if he’s taken her money and spent it that’s awful and theft.

Not always. Depends on the circumstances but inheritance is not automatically ring fenced in divorce.

I think they each have savings accounts that they pay into individually, but are saving for joint plans/intentions. So essentially yes, his money, but also their money as that was the agreement in their marriage.

Having read again I think you're right that they are joint savings in individual accounts which has me raging slightly less but it's still against what they agreed so not great

It’s as much about the secret behind the spending as about the actual money. It seems likely that whatever he is doing would end the marriage if he is unwilling to say.

He could be 100k or
more in debt for all
you know and then because you’re married you’re in debt too

its crazy people marry people yet don’t know all the details and have open access to the finances of the person they are making a legal/financial agreement with

No she won’t be in debt unless it’s in joint names or she’s a guarantor.

Yes. On the savings in his name in his account, if she chose to make a payment into the account (as as i f he did to her account) then it would be looked at by a court as to whether it were a gift to the spouse or if the other person was agreed at the time to hold it on trust for both of them.

I am leaving divorce out of this as they are not divorcing. The Immerman case said couples can decide how much secrecy in marriage they want eg everything very secret from the other or everything very open eg my parents shared everything and all documents including letters could be looked at and I was the same when married - we each knew everything. Not all couples choose to be like that.

Ask him for your half and leave @Lostsavings

You need to make him see you are serious about this. He is being very evasive (which would be a huge red flag for me). You need an explanation as to where this large amount of money has gone. Don't give him a chance to dodge your request. Put him on the spot and demand an immediate answer.

Hi op,

I am not sure to understand well. From what I get…you both have individual savings accounts? But you want to know what he has done with his?
If I get this right…I don’t think you have a leg to stand on to ask him to show you…it is his money…

However, it does sound like it would be good to discuss about a common account for future? Or if you feel that you haven’t spent but he did then reevaluate how much you put into savings?

Good luck op 🌺

I would go on all sorts of strikes until he shares the statements. Tell him that if you divorce he will be forced to do it anyway!

My guesses would be gambling, cocaine or only fans addictions. Either way, not good.

The bank won’t help, it’s not a joint account. You cannot have access to someone else’s account!

Would be nice if the OP answered a few of the unanswered questions. I do not mean this to sound like an ultimatum but re-reading it it does rather...

Time to day he hands over access straight away or he gets out. Also time to think about securing your own money as if he is gambling or spending on another addiction you don't want him getting hold of your savings in a settlement.