“D”H refusing access to finance info

[Lostsavings]

My DH and I never set up a joint account. Not a conscious choice, just never got round to it. We each hold some savings in our accounts and since getting married this has always been seen as “our” money, we’ve never done the separate finances thing. We’re meant to be saving for our future atm. Been married 10 years.

Turns out though he has spent a chunk of our savings in a very short amount of time. About £12k in 6 months. This is on top of wages that cover all the outgoings. There’s been no holidays/house Reno etc that would explain this.

As it’s not a joint account, I asked to see the statements to see where this money has gone. We have young children (2 under 5) and I want to be sure if it’s gambling/another addiction, shopping sprees, another woman, or whatever else it could be. He “can’t” answer questions on where it’s gone.

But it’s been months of asking and I’ve not seen them. I can’t access them myself because it’s not a joint account. What do I do? He keeps saying he’ll share them and he just needs time to run through them himself first (“so he can answer questions I have”) but it’s been more than 6 months and nothing. I have to LTB don’t I? There’s been so much gaslighting at this point I need reassurance I’m not being over the top? I can’t believe I have to ask but my head is a mess.

YABU - I’m being over the top, it’s not an urgent issue
YANBU - he needs to show me what’s in there now or I should walk

Do all of this. When you all get home at the end of the day I would be telling him that after an early supper you are going to put the children to bed and then sit down together and he will show you his bank accounts. No excuses.

You can’t keep up this pretence that everything is fine. I am with the posters who are saying that he has been gambling and hoping for a big win to cover it. Could be a dodgy investment which amounts to the same thing.

You are going to have to be brave but at the moment it is “only” £12,000. It could continue to mount.

No one goes through £12K in 6 months, without it being spent on something! My guess is that your husband has some kind of addiction - gambling/drugs. Or he's been sending money to another woman (or at least someone posing as one). You've no holiday booked or had house renovations, so it's certainly not gone on anything tangible. My other question would be, does he have credit cards? Is it possible he's maxed out cards, and took the money to pay off the credit card? Again, it would probably be a gambling addiction or similar. You need to tell him very bluntly, that he needs to be honest where the money has gone, because unless he's incredibly stupid, then he's perfectly aware where it's been spent. You are not putting up with excuses, and if he can't be honest, then you can't trust him, so the relationship is dead in the water.

Well there's clearly a problem here, yes. How have bills been paid? Do you know how much money he earns? And how did you find out in the first place? But yes, I think that anyone who has blown through £12000 in 6 months shjoud absolutely be able to say how that happened.

The trust has gone now, whether you find out or not. It’s lying by omission.

Can you go on and look at his credit score? You can register through MSE Credit club and it's free - see if there are any red flags

I know this is a big invasion of privacy, but you have asked and its half your money. He is either in debt, gambling, is subsidising your lifestyle with savings that salaries are not covering or even worse has another woman or family on the go.

How do you know there is money missing if you have no access? Has he mentioned something to you?

Either way you need to see what is going on - in black and white

How much was in the account in the first place? I agree with the previous posts, it is likely to be gambling. Assuming there is something left in this savings account, I would transfer it to one in your name. Now isn't the time for joint accounts. I would also make sure you get financial advice to protect yourself and secure your house from his potential debts. You have to find out now though.

I would tell him that he is forcing you to go to solicitor and file for divorce in order to get full financial disclosure.

I would make an appointment and be clear he has no time at all but now to log you in and see where the money has gone. Any more [if he hasn't already] time and he'll be borrowing it from somewhere to try to hide what he's been up to.

I'm slightly confused though - have you been transferring all your earnings to your husbands accounts to pay bills and save there? I would stop that immediately even with the consequences for direct debits and mortgages etc.
Do you know exactly what the bills and other payments add up to? And therefore how much money should have been saved and what is your share? If not, I'd start a ready reckoner as you'll need one for solicitor. If it's gone, it's gone though.

Definitely not overreacting! He needs to show you if you stand any chance of saving your marriage. If he's prepared to admit he has a problem or has been stupid spending recklessly on things, you need to decide if you are going to stay and give him a chance to work on that with therapy, support groups, whatever it takes. If he's won't even concede there's a problem then it might be time to call it a day or he will drag you down with him.

Whose idea was it to have separate accounts, and how did you find out about the money spent?

Can you go on and look at his credit score? You can register through MSE Credit club and it's free - see if there are any red flags Remember there are 3 companies. MSE tells you how

Now isn't the time for joint accounts, but if the account is in his name only, you can't force him to transfer any money left. Perhaps try to get this done in a nice way before you say you're leaving him.

It's pretty ironic reading this post, saying there should be on joint accounts, you should know how much he earns, etc., when just a few short days ago, the opposite information was being shared.

I'm in no way sticking up for this fella; the money has obvs been spent somewhere, but it could be that he's been scammed out of this money and he's racked with guilt, a very smart friend got scammed out of 10k recently, he was in tears when he told me and he's still not got it back from the bank.

OP, you really need to decide now what your next steps are, whats the limit you'll accept, what if it's 20k out of the bank. what if it's 20k and loans, etc etc.

Addiction grabs people in different ways, but unless he's willing to accept he's got a problem (if he has), then you'll be on this merry-go-round until you do leave him.

I would let him know you need a private conversation with him this evening and get dc to bed first
No wine etc so nothing to fuel already sensitive conversations not being fully focused, open and honest
Have the laptop out ready
Decide what your boundaries are but mine would be :

1. If I am to trust you I need full disclosure now. I need you to know that I feel something is being hidden and that whatever this is it may be something we can work through together . I am your wife and I can't imagine how hard this must also be for you right now and I can support you. Let him know you may be angry but that's okay you're allowed to be. He's your husband so tell him you love him and make him feel safe to open up Then also let him know that walking away at that moment and not disclosing right now equals mistrust and that you cannot support or work through that ....therefore he moves out. He clearly has enough money to spend 12k so a premier in is doable

Respect yourself and set clear realistic kind boundaries
You can't choose whether or not to support him if he doesn't share with you but for me walking away would be the end. There is no relationship without trust and we all are vulnerable at some point .

My initial reaction would be gambling and he is hoping for a win, but actually making it worse.
It could have been spent on something he doesn't want you to know about and he's hoping that the longer he leaves it the less you are likely to go back far enough in his finances to see it.
There is also the possibility that he has lost his job and been taking out loans to cover it so he doesn't have to tell you.

While I completely agree that he HAS to show you right now as he is hiding something I don't agree that hes has been buying drugs, gambling etc.
Its £2000 a month for 6 months, you can overspend by that, especially if you are paying off debts
Believe me I know!

This. He's clearly hiding something most likely a gambling addiction.

you would just tell your partner you were paying off debts though, unless your debts were from something dodgy

He's definitely hiding something.
You need to find out where you stand with all this.
Martins Money Saving Expert Credit Club is free - and you can see all the debts and accounts in your name. Do this as a matter of urgency.
I also think it's ultimatum time - openly show and discuss, or leave. Before you issue that ultimatum I would get access to all the other accounts you can, possibly move any credit into accounts he cannot access.

Of course, unless the debts themselves were secrets.

F

Could you not bookmark and turn on notifications rather than typing a random letter?

How are joint outgoings paid? Maybe his share of the outgoings is exceeding his earnings, although he would have no reason to be evasive about that. Unless he’s embarrassed that he isn’t managing his money well. How did you find out that the 12k had been spent in the first place?

Gambling, drugs or sex workers.

No other explanation. If it was innocent he would show you.

He's avoiding showing you and I think you know that. So that means he's hiding something

Doesn't he have mobile banking? Tell him to log in now and show you the statements. It takes seconds. Or at the least he has Internet banking and csn log in on his computer.

Choose a moment there is nothing else to do, not too late in the day, not before an activity. And literally say "you have two choices, show me your bank statements now, or pack a bag."

If he'd rather pack a bag than show you then it's clearly something very bad.
He wants time so either you forget or give up, or so he can manufactor a story.

If everything is in separate accounts why is spending his savings spending "our" money? Surely he has spent his own money.

@sanityisamyth I don't seem to be able to bookmark on my phone. I don't have a computer anymore. If you know how to do it, then some instructions would be helpful.