“D”H refusing access to finance info

[Lostsavings]

My DH and I never set up a joint account. Not a conscious choice, just never got round to it. We each hold some savings in our accounts and since getting married this has always been seen as “our” money, we’ve never done the separate finances thing. We’re meant to be saving for our future atm. Been married 10 years.

Turns out though he has spent a chunk of our savings in a very short amount of time. About £12k in 6 months. This is on top of wages that cover all the outgoings. There’s been no holidays/house Reno etc that would explain this.

As it’s not a joint account, I asked to see the statements to see where this money has gone. We have young children (2 under 5) and I want to be sure if it’s gambling/another addiction, shopping sprees, another woman, or whatever else it could be. He “can’t” answer questions on where it’s gone.

But it’s been months of asking and I’ve not seen them. I can’t access them myself because it’s not a joint account. What do I do? He keeps saying he’ll share them and he just needs time to run through them himself first (“so he can answer questions I have”) but it’s been more than 6 months and nothing. I have to LTB don’t I? There’s been so much gaslighting at this point I need reassurance I’m not being over the top? I can’t believe I have to ask but my head is a mess.

YABU - I’m being over the top, it’s not an urgent issue
YANBU - he needs to show me what’s in there now or I should walk

How has this gone on for 6 months? How have you carried on living life as a married couple with this in the background and no answers for 6 months !!! If this was me I could not have let this go, maybe that's my personality, but if something is wrong in my relationship or family I deal with it then and there, even if that means ending my relationship. I could never carry on living normally with this hanging over me.

Nothing he says now is going to be positive is it. People with good savings and secure finances don't hide them.

There's a muddle about whose savings these are. Money in Dh's account belongs to DH, not the two of you jointly. Vice versa for your savings, fortunately, because he can't spend those.
Legally you have no right to see his statements and he is entitled to keep them private. The problem is that you believed your money was shared and he's been making excuses and lying to you.

Agreed.

You are massively under reacting here @Lostsavings

Tell him you're taking legal advice about a divorce since he's being evasive about family finances and you cannot and will not live like this any longer.

That doesn't always work for everybody. My watching list is hit and miss with no reason given.

I agree... you need an ultimatum here... my ex did this for years... raked up debt, got bailed out by his parents few time ( lying that we need money as family because I overspent) and had drug addiction. Friends husband turned out to have gambling addiction. If there is nothing to hide, he wouldn't hide. Can you check his browser to see if he was paying for only fans etc ?

"My DH and I never set up a joint account. Not a conscious choice, just never got round to it. We each hold some savings in our accounts and since getting married this has always been seen as “our” money, we’ve never done the separate finances thing."

Bollocks. You've been doing the "separate finances thing".
Not necessarily a bad thing, but you do not have "joint" savings.

I'm curious how you found about DH spending his own money, that you have no access to ?

Could he have lent the money to someone else like a family member who is in difficulty?
Also if you each have separate accounts then it’s not joint money and what he saves is his and vice versa. I wouldn’t like to have my own spending scrutinised which is why separate accounts works well for me. I’m also completely financially independent though. If you were saving for something jointly and he blew twelve grand he should be able to account for it.

Swipe left on the post.

I wasn't into any of those when I got through more money than that

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

@sanityisamyth
I don't mean to derail, but swiping doesn't work on my phone using the app, bookmarking is meaningless because while I can mark a post, I can't find the bookmark later, and what business is it of yours how people mark a spot?

Show me or I’m going to the police

He keeps saying he’ll share them and he just needs time to run through them himself first (“so he can answer questions I have”) but it’s been more than 6 months and nothing

Why have you just sat back and accepted this for six months? It's a ridiculous timescale. If this was my dh I'd have reached boiling point and there would have been a blazing row and ultimatum after six days.

Actually, that's far too long. With everything being online I'd have given him six minutes to log in and show me.

Whatever his financial situation was six months ago and however much of your savings had been spent, you can sure as shit bet it's a hell of a lot worse after all this time.

To report him for spending money from his own sole personal account? Give over.

@Lostsavings

I agree with those who advise an ultimatum. If you have time now to run a credit check on yourself, do so.

Has the mortgage been paid when it's due? All utilities up to date? Home and auto insurance all paid up? Car(s) taxed? Check these and pay particular attention to bills your H is responsible for.

What do you think the police will do ?

In your shoes I would just tell him you are assuming he’s been gambling (under which I would include crypto), paying for drugs and sex and having an affair. He’s welcome to narrow it down but until he does you’ll be working on the assumption it’s all if them. Then see a solicitor.

Oh yeah they will be really interested in a man spending his own money in his own bank account. Bring out Inspector Morse.

I think if you write the word crypt with an o on the end your post is hidden, so maybe others want to avoid that

We each hold some savings in our accounts and since getting married this has always been seen as “our” money, we’ve never done the separate finances thing.

Your statement above is something that your H clearly doesn’t agree with. Every time he has avoided a joint account, is his actions speaking louder than his words.

What do you do? Firstly accept that your H is not interested in shared finances or financial transparency and then you need to decide if you want to continue in a relationship where you have no clue what your family’s finances are.

Your H can’t have been clearer that shared finances is something that he fundamentally disagrees with. Balls in your court, not his.

Because it's really annoying to think there's been an update to find it's just an F, or a popular thread fills up really quickly as it's mostly a load of random letters.

How do you know he spent that much?

In a divorce the court will only order previous 12 months of bank statements and you don’t exchange form E immediately. Even if you started divorce now you would be expected to mediate, then apply, then 2-3 months to exchange info by which time you would only get disclosure back to Spring 24.

I find lots of the answers here surprising, when saying she has a right to know. When I wrote that DH said his inheritance was none of my business, I was told he’s right. So you can’t have it both ways, we either have a right to know or not, and I’m fairly sure the answer is not.
In the case of divorce he’d have to disclose.