in thinking DHs friend is plain rude regarding birthday invite?

[sweetkitty]

DHs best friend has a big birthday coming up, a few months ago he texted me inviting DH and I to a lunch to celebrate, asked if I could make it/save the date kind of thing. I said that would be great he said he would book the restaurant. It’s in a few weeks time.

So fast forward to a week ago and DH says oh btw you’re not invited to best friends lunch it’s just very close family and me now. I said well that’s very rude inviting me then not inviting me. DH got all defensive said take it up with best friend etc.

Now I know best friend can invite who he wants I have zero issues with that, what I do have issues with is inviting someone then I’m inviting them but not actually telling them yourself. I think it’s rude. It’s not a financial thing as best friend is very well-off.

Am wondering should I text best friend back and say innocently “have I still to save the date, I have a big thing planned for the night before anyway so may be “delicate?”

So AIBU or is best friend a bit rude?

My DH would have pushed back on this, as would I if someone treated him like that. It's really disrespectful.

I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Not worth thinking about tbh
If he's not got basic manners to let you know after inviting you then let him crack on
It's probably turned into an all boys jolly, all day drinking etc and it's easier to tell you that and that's why he just wants your DH there and not you

If he texted you and explicitly invited both you and DH to the lunch he was very rude. For now I wouldn’t believe your DH that you were not invited as you were — you got a text to prove it.
Maybe your DH just doesn’t want you there?
I would text to this friend with some sort of question to double check invite in a way but without any sarcasm or humour.

With who is still going I don’t think it’s an all day boys drinking thing plus that’s not really him. DH did say it’s not just you so and so are not not invited (I don’t know if that’s true) but if it is that would be bloody rude to them too. You don’t invite say 10 people to a lunch, inform them it’s on this date and it’s all booked then say no I’ve changed my mind it’s only for 6 people now.

I would text back and say you are confused, he asked if you could both come and you said yes, but xx(dh name) has now said it’s him only. Can you confirm which it is

Assuming dh is telling the truth you're not wanted so don't try to get an invite.

He was probably cowardly and told dh to tell you, maybe it was even dhs idea that partners aren't invited.

I would send a factual text to check. It's hard to do without sounding passive aggressive. Maybe 'hi, dh says there's been a change of plans and I'm not to come, just checking thats right?'

I would expect a massively apologetic reply for him being a rude fucker.

So he could have texted your DH and invited him directly. Instead, he chose to text you.

And then uninvite you.

Yes, that is incredibly rude. And I personally would text him (politely, if you think your DH will be upset you contacted him) and say something like 'you chose to personally text me rather than DH to invite us both. Now, you've uninvited me but didn't have the decency to let me know. I think its very poor and I'm quite hurt. I didn't think you'd be the type to treat people this way.'

I'd be inclined to not believe your DH and there's maybe a reason that he doesn't want you to go.
This friend is close enough to text you directly to invite you, I can't imagine why he'd then uninvited via DH.

My thoughts too.

Check direct with the BF

It’s a bit of a no win situation if you push it and muscle your way back in it would just be awkward

Similar to your suggestion, “Hello, going through my diary; have I still to save the date for your birthday lunch?” works well, I wouldn’t bother with the bit about being out the night before.

It is quite rude, yes. But I wouldn’t be texting anyone. Either DHBF or DH doesn’t want you there, but either way you’ve already been told by DH - so why are you confirming?

Because a) the husband could be lying and b) if it was the friend he needs to be told he's rude. That's why!

So he has reduced the invite list to close family and best friend - maybe he has something going on that he is struggling with like a health diagnosis or something?

Yes I’d say something along those lines. Why should he get away with being rude and not called out for it? I wouldn’t demand an invite or an apology or make a scene, but I would state these facts.

Possible. But you cannot be rude to people and expect them to make allowances for circumstance if you do not inform them of those circumstances.

I really don't understand why people are friends with people they think so poorly of. If this happened with one of mine or DHs friends my first thoughts would be - 'wonder what's going on, hope everything is ok'. Not 'how rude'.

I think this is the best option. Maybe DH is being a bit untruthful? I’d want to know.

‘Hi DHBF, DH seems to think that there has been a change of plans but I haven’t heard any thing since your last message so just wanted to confirm if the meal is going ahead or not’

Make him explain to you directly, given that he messaged you with the invite instead (which was odd to start with).

However if you’re not bothered about going anyway, just leave it and give him some light hearted (but pointed) stick over it next time you see him.

Yes, I understand that.

My point was - that if a) the husband is lying then why bring the friend into your relationship dramas and put them in an awkward position. She should figure it out with DH and not involve others. B) the friend is rude, yes of course he is but he’s not her friend he’s the husbands so again no need to have a drama with him.

I’d personally leave it unless I thought my husband could be lying to me. I’d not want to be somewhere I wasn’t wanted so why on earth would I drag the entire thing on any further.

your DHs response is underwhelming to say the least. This person is not a ‘friend’ to you and I would be grumpy with them. Thanks for causing an issue kind of text.

I wouldn’t say anything other than have a good time. There’s no need to be passive aggressive, if you’re always like this it’s probably why you aren’t invited.

Whaaaat?

Same