in thinking DHs friend is plain rude regarding birthday invite?

[sweetkitty]

DHs best friend has a big birthday coming up, a few months ago he texted me inviting DH and I to a lunch to celebrate, asked if I could make it/save the date kind of thing. I said that would be great he said he would book the restaurant. It’s in a few weeks time.

So fast forward to a week ago and DH says oh btw you’re not invited to best friends lunch it’s just very close family and me now. I said well that’s very rude inviting me then not inviting me. DH got all defensive said take it up with best friend etc.

Now I know best friend can invite who he wants I have zero issues with that, what I do have issues with is inviting someone then I’m inviting them but not actually telling them yourself. I think it’s rude. It’s not a financial thing as best friend is very well-off.

Am wondering should I text best friend back and say innocently “have I still to save the date, I have a big thing planned for the night before anyway so may be “delicate?”

So AIBU or is best friend a bit rude?

Because without bringing friend into this OP can’t say if her husband lying or not . She has to check with BF.

I'm not sure why that would be so unbelievable? He was planning on having a larger celebration and now for some reason he is having a lunch with close family and best friend only. It's not like he's just excluded the OP.

To check I would text the friend "DH passed on your message, no worries, have a great time, catch up soon"
Then if your DH is lying he's not going to know what you're on about.

Yes it seems rude but it also sounds like men making arrangements.

Maybe it’s about dynamics, for example if other couples or friend’s partner could not make it

Mmm, I'd just text saying ' your save the date is coming up, what are the plans/is it still happening?'

I think it's rude! I'd be pretty miffed that my husband didn't at least question why you're not now invited (if he's telling the truth), instead of saying you'll have to ask the 'friend' instead.
I'd defo text him and confirm whether you still need to save the date or not.

Seems like the other wives /girlfriends can't make it so it's changed as would be weird if you're the only one.

Yes this is ideal. Keep it dead simple and straightforward.

Not ruling out the concerns people have shared above, but is it possible he's just been disorganised and booked it late? Just that it's Christmas party season and really difficult to get a group booking at lots of places now!

I think it's genuine and not your husband lying. I think his friend bottled it and let your husband pass you the message that you're not invited rather than messaging you directly like he did previously. Why he's done this could be any reason at all. Financial, personal, limited space in the restaurant who knows. I wouldn't bother chasing it up but maybe drop your Dh to and from the venue and give birthday boy a big wave as you do. 😁

Why is everyone assuming the OP’s husband is lying???

It's a bit rude, but it's not sinister - I'd say he's just having a smaller event than he originally planned. I wouldn't overthink it, or bother texting anyone.

I think the birthday friend should have contacted you in person to explain that the plan had changed (since he contacted you to invite you) and I think that would have been absolutely fine. He probably trusted your husband to explain the change in a diplomatic way, which he has failed to do.

At the end of the day he's your husband's friend so I wouldn't care if I went to his birthday or not. It sounds as if the plans have changed, they aren't expanding it to partners, and I wouldn't feel offended by that.

Yeah weird. Especially when he actually said take it up with the friend if you've an issue...would be a bad move if he was lying!

I’d say back to dh well you’re my husband and he’s your bestie and what good are you exactly if you won’t take it up with him being rude to your wife??

id expect your dh to go but say any more cancelled invites and I won’t be coming next time mate, you’ve used your free pass.

I presume you are good friends with the best friend and can have some banter?

I would text and write, ‘DH says I’m off the birthday party invite list?! I hope everything is ok and it’s not because of anything I said?!’

and see what he replies!

He probably didn't book a big enough table.

The simplest explanation is often the correct one.

In the interests of coming back to the thread, I texted BF and explained I was a bit confused as on original message it was me and DH, he had chosen a time and even checked the restaurant catered for my dietary needs etc.

He came back and said yes now it’s just his partner, family member and DH. (So from 7 to 4 me and another couple bombed put). He said it’s because he’s really struggling this time of year.

So there you have it, I can go out with my friends the night before get merry and not have to worry so in a way it’s actually all good for me. Personally I wouldn’t have invited people then invited them but that’s me.

Yes it's rude but tbh I'd be relieved I didn't have to go! I do think your DH is being a bit of a dick though.

Very rude behaviour.
Very poor of your husband to think its ok.

Yup!! That is my thoughts too. @sweetkitty Is it possible DH is lying and doesn't want you to go, for whatever reason?

I think he's handled it poorly. If he needed to pare back the invitees then the polite thing to have done, is to contact them himself to explain and apologise. Anyway, at least you know now and can enjoy your own plans.

Why did he text you in the first place if he's your DH's best friend, are you his PA?

I couldn't get worked up about this. Poor guy if he's struggling and can't afford it and now he has you getting on to him too