in thinking DHs friend is plain rude regarding birthday invite?

[sweetkitty]

DHs best friend has a big birthday coming up, a few months ago he texted me inviting DH and I to a lunch to celebrate, asked if I could make it/save the date kind of thing. I said that would be great he said he would book the restaurant. It’s in a few weeks time.

So fast forward to a week ago and DH says oh btw you’re not invited to best friends lunch it’s just very close family and me now. I said well that’s very rude inviting me then not inviting me. DH got all defensive said take it up with best friend etc.

Now I know best friend can invite who he wants I have zero issues with that, what I do have issues with is inviting someone then I’m inviting them but not actually telling them yourself. I think it’s rude. It’s not a financial thing as best friend is very well-off.

Am wondering should I text best friend back and say innocently “have I still to save the date, I have a big thing planned for the night before anyway so may be “delicate?”

So AIBU or is best friend a bit rude?

Mildly rude, I suppose, but I don't think I could really bring myself to give a shit about this. And I certainly wouldn't be badgering my DH about it, let alone his friend.

I'm guessing they had a bigger thing planned at first and then for whatever reason just decided to scale it back. Or possibly your DH doesn't want you to go, or has given his friend the impression that you won't enjoy it or something.

Were you really that desperate to go in the first place? If I were in your position I'd be delighted to have the day to myself. I think you're making a big deal out of nothing, really.

What I find strangest in this thread is the number of people who apparently would automatically assume their husband was lying.

I’m guessing friend’s plans had changed.

Maybe friend was planning a larger party, and inviting a lot more people. However, for whatever reason (costs, logistics etc) he decided to scale it right down, and have a family meal only, plus Dh as he’s his best friend.

Yeah, I'd text him, with a screenshot of his original invite, saying 'what happened there mate, I heard I've been disinvited?'
He needs to give you an explanation.
Plus your fella shouldn't be defending him, while bluntly telling you you're surplus to requirements. Is he usually such a bell end? By which I mean your bloke.

It's a bit on the rude side, but by fuck don't follow the batshit suggestions to demand an explanation if you want to maintain a good relationship.

People are allowed to change plans without their so-called friends getting arsey and demanding to know why on every single occasion.

Struggling financially or mentally? Why would your husband then say, 'take it up with him' if he's struggling? What happened to the other couple - I couldn't quite tell from your last post, sorry.

If this guy needs some help, rather than simply being a bit inefficient, it all seems a bit too vague.

I'm a bit surprised he was planning to pay for everyone's food and drink, if someone invited me to their birthday meal I'd be expecting to pay for my own and buy the birthday boy a drink.

Who is the family member? Is it a parent or a sibling or other?

Family member is an other. The original plan was 7, pared back to 4, hardly a huge shin-dig pared down to an intimate family meal . I would never have expected the host to pay for it especially as it’s their birthday.

DH is still being a bit arsey saying that if it wa the opposite way round he couldn’t care less. I don’t care about going TBH it’s the lovely invite then months later telling DH (not me) that I’m now not invited. I wonder if he notified the other 2 uninvited guests?

It’s weird your husband did not push back tbh.

Is it cost reasons? If so, then he should explain that. I don’t see an issue with changing the number of invitees once you realise you cannot afford that but it would be usual to state that and you and your husband could have offered to cover you.

It seems sus to me tbh.

Also do you know for sure the best friend uninvited you or maybe DH requested that you not be there….?

I would text the friend as you were planning to and see what they say.

My thoughts as well.

read the thread.

Of course it’s rude.

Uninviting anyone to anything is rude unless the event is cancelled.

Ok that’s fair and yes it maybe annoying but I personally would not put myself in financial difficulty to not appear rude.

But I would have been very open and said sorry my funds no longer stretch that much. And people could then offer to pay for themselves.

Thanks for the kind advice.

He said it’s because he’s really struggling this time of year.

Surely this is the relevant bit? It’s not unusual for someone who is not feeling great mentally to not feel up to celebrations..if that’s the case perhaps his partner and close family member suggested a smaller celebration with them and his best mate.

Mayne OP you should be checking if he’s ok vs getting all bent out of shape about this? If i’d received a message with that line in it about struggling at this time of the year i’d immediately be considering someone’s mental health.

Have to agree with @BluePapillon It seems like the man has said "I'm struggling" and you've responded "How rude". No wonder a lot of people feel they can't open up.

@BluePapillon i am in no way belittling anyone who is struggling mentally (I have MH issues myself) but BF is very much a woe is me type of person. He is very well off, has no DC and has the type of lifestyle a lot of people could only dream about but he is always quite down in the dumps about life in general.

Seems a cosy 4, who is the "other"

Cynical me

Does being rich exclude you from having mental health struggles then? How ridiculous.

So you knew he has mental health issues, which can often be worse at this time of year, yet still jumped to him being rude. You don't seem a very understanding friend.

I don’t say he has MH issues I said I had MH issues I said he is a bit wow is me type of person.

I can assure you the “other” does not make a cosy foursome lol think very young family member.

I love where MN goes sometimes my DH is lying and having a cosy dinner with someone else 😀

You said “ i am in no way belittling anyone who is struggling mentally (I have MH issues myself) but BF is very much a woe is me type of person.”

which suggests that while you are sympathetic to others mental health struggles having gone through them yourself , you’re not to his because although being a “woe is me” type of person, his sadness and being down in the dumps you think is overdramatic because he is successful so you don’t see what he could be down about?

I think the reason pp query whether DH is lying is because he got defensive and is being ‘arsey’.

When I talk to my DP he is polite and respectful …