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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointing birthday, AIBU?

89 replies

Oldcrockpot · 09/12/2024 16:47

Feeling very sad, it was my birthday yesterday (a big one) and I had fleece from my parents which is the same as a million others I have, husband got a nice necklace but I have wanted a very specific and personal meaning one for well over a year and have asked for it for my birthday, even sent him the links etc well in advance. The one I have is nice but very run of the mill and from the local jewellery shop which means he probably got it that day. I got a jumper from MIL, which again is nice but nothing special. I feel very un-special right now. The kids made me a nice card which was cute though.

(adding that the family is well off so nothing to do with finances that the presents are not super extravagant)

I still did all the household chores, even the ones I asked DH to do he didn’t. Had a freezer batch cook meal for tea. No surprise in that department either. Then folded laundry and went to bed. Today one colleague who I hardly see anymore said happy birthday, nothing from my boss or team.

AIBU and a princess to feel really really sad and unappreciated? Or is this what to expect in middle age?

OP posts:
adulthoodisajoke · 09/12/2024 16:56

sorry it was a crappy birthday OP
its always upsetting when people dont put in the effort you would give to them

rubyslippers · 09/12/2024 16:59

That’s rubbish
sorry OP - happy birthday 💐

Turnippy · 09/12/2024 16:59

it took one divorce and several long term relationships to truly learn that if you want something you have to stipulate exactly what that is with some people

so e.g. you need to say 'it's my birthday tomorrow, I'm not doing any chores, I'm going to lie in the bath all day, you'll need to cook and pick up the kids'

I also think you should ask him why he got you the necklace he did when you specifically asked for another.

now's the time to change the tune or you'll be upset next year when it happens again!

TwixForTea · 09/12/2024 17:07

I’d definitely mention being disappointed about the meal and the gift to dh, in a gentle way, “I do like the necklace you got me but I’d rather hoped you’d take the hint about the other one I sent you the link for.”

Maybe he didn’t get the “this is the one I want” message and just got the “buy me a nice necklace” gist of it. Men can be a bit dense like that if you don’t spell it out.

At work, I wouldn’t be surprised or fussed. One workplace I was in actually forbade any special mention/celebration of “big” birthdays due to potentially being ageist! We were allowed to have a small cake for the team and a card as long as age was not mentioned . It was quite a barmy place - we had were also forbidden from organising a drink at our local after work in case it caused the Muslims to feel discriminated against.

Lol.

Anyway Happy Birthday ! Put your feet up and enjoy your evening

maxelly · 09/12/2024 17:23

Sorry it was rubbish but why are you putting up with this from your DH (in laws/parents and work I'd be less bothered about, my work don't celebrate birthdays at all usually and ILs/parents are one step removed really)? If it's that he's otherwise a wonderful, supportive, kind partner who just happens to be crap at gifts/birthdays then that's fine (but in that case take back the necklace you don't want and get yourself the one you do, and book yourself into something nice to do at the weekend, he can look after the kids and chores, or arrange for someone else to do it so he can come if you'd rather). It's fine IMO to arrange your own birthday stuff to your own specifications if you're being well looked after and supported the other 364 days of the year

Or if it's that actually he's an inconsiderate arse that expects you to skivvy for him and the kids 100% of the time and can't be bothered to give you a break even on your birthday, then take this as a wake-up call that you need to dump him?

Original poster
Oldcrockpot · 09/12/2024 17:23

Oh I forgot to mention the best part - I got to have ‘birthday sex’ , which I was obviously enthralled about having been made to feel like a princess all day

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 09/12/2024 17:30

It's what it's like, sorry. My DH is really very caring but it doesn't seem to translate to thought into gifts or arranging special days at all! I send links for ideas or even specific instructions and then, come my birthday, get random/ generic socks, mug or cushions (when I will have pointed out some beautiful things). I'd go out and buy yourself what you want.

ginasevern · 09/12/2024 17:52

It depends whether your work colleagues generally make a big thing about birthdays. Do they go all out for others in the team, but ignored yours? If so, then that's hurtful but if not then that's life! As for your MIL and mum, at least they got you something and your DH was probably being a typical bloke with the present. Men aren't particularly well known for "getting the message". However, my late DH usually would order an Indian (my favourite) on my birthday rather than me cook. If it was a significant birthday, we'd go out for a meal. Unlike a lot of women on Mumsnet, I really don't think it's your job to state exactly how you want your birthday to pan out - what's the point. I do think any reasonably caring DH should have the presence of mind to make some effort.

xyz111 · 09/12/2024 18:03

Oldcrockpot · 09/12/2024 17:23

Oh I forgot to mention the best part - I got to have ‘birthday sex’ , which I was obviously enthralled about having been made to feel like a princess all day

That was his treat was it? Is he normally rubbish for birthdays?

Original poster
Oldcrockpot · 09/12/2024 18:07

He’s been really good at birthdays in the past, last 3 years or so I think it’s deteriorated

OP posts:
MintShaker · 09/12/2024 18:08

I never get birthday or Christmas gifts from my husband children parents or anyone in fact. I always put a lot of thought and effort into buying for them and that's the way it should be. I cannot for the life of me understand why adults get so precious, demanding and downright entitled about wanting presents, it makes zero sense, it's better to give to other people than to sit like a pampered Prince or princess and wait for others spending their time, effort and money.

Whaleandsnail6 · 09/12/2024 18:17

The presents sound like the givers have got you things that you like since you already own items similar so it does sound like they have tried, even if you are a bit underwhelmed by them.

Why did you do chores? Sounds a bit martyrish. Speak up and say you arent doing any chores and get a take away or something nice in future.

Ponoka7 · 09/12/2024 18:23

Oldcrockpot · 09/12/2024 17:23

Oh I forgot to mention the best part - I got to have ‘birthday sex’ , which I was obviously enthralled about having been made to feel like a princess all day

That's extremely dysfunctional. You seem to want to play the martyr. Why didn't you communicate hiw you were feeling? Why the hell did you have sex?

StormingNorman · 09/12/2024 18:41

Men need instructions…

“It’s my birthday tomorrow and I’m giving myself the night off cooking. Can you pick up a takeaway? I’m in the mood for Chinese”.

If you don’t want to do housework and laundry on your birthday, don’t do it. It’s just one day.

It was a bit shit that he bought you a different necklace but I’d want to know why before getting upset. Was the one you chose a bit too expensive? Maybe he thought this one would suit you better. Did he understand the personal significance of the one you chose? Maybe he was rebelling at being given a list? It may be that he left it late and didn’t have time to wait for delivery which is a bit crap.

DogsandFlowers · 09/12/2024 18:47

MintShaker · 09/12/2024 18:08

I never get birthday or Christmas gifts from my husband children parents or anyone in fact. I always put a lot of thought and effort into buying for them and that's the way it should be. I cannot for the life of me understand why adults get so precious, demanding and downright entitled about wanting presents, it makes zero sense, it's better to give to other people than to sit like a pampered Prince or princess and wait for others spending their time, effort and money.

In what way is that 'the way it should be'

Eyresandgraces · 09/12/2024 18:58

I’ve given up expecting much now.

One birthday I met friends whilst I was bored walking round the supermarket, dh had gone for a lie down (3 hours).
My friends were so appalled with my lack of birthday fuss that they took me to their home and gave me gin. 😂

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2024 19:11

That sounds crap and yes you shouldn't have to ask but if you do you should just give instructions.

DH isn't great at birthdays so I always organise it for myself so I can have a nice time! He is happy to pay for things and do childcare if I organise it.

I'd have refused to do any chores like folding laundry, at least got a nice takeaway if we couldn't get a babysitter and bought something I liked for myself.

I certainly wouldn't have had sex if I didn't feel like it!

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/12/2024 19:18

MintShaker · 09/12/2024 18:08

I never get birthday or Christmas gifts from my husband children parents or anyone in fact. I always put a lot of thought and effort into buying for them and that's the way it should be. I cannot for the life of me understand why adults get so precious, demanding and downright entitled about wanting presents, it makes zero sense, it's better to give to other people than to sit like a pampered Prince or princess and wait for others spending their time, effort and money.

Some of us have standards. We do not simply exist to be skivvies for our husband and children. It's not demanding for the people in our life to show some appreciation one day a year especially when they expect similar.

ETA: Having birthday sex, cooking, folding laundry etc... you're making a rod for your own back. You're saying loud and clear this is acceptable when you know it's not. Put on your big girl pants, grow a backbone and tell your husband what you actually want (and make sure HE returns the necklace).

Slughorn · 09/12/2024 19:25

MintShaker · 09/12/2024 18:08

I never get birthday or Christmas gifts from my husband children parents or anyone in fact. I always put a lot of thought and effort into buying for them and that's the way it should be. I cannot for the life of me understand why adults get so precious, demanding and downright entitled about wanting presents, it makes zero sense, it's better to give to other people than to sit like a pampered Prince or princess and wait for others spending their time, effort and money.

That’s literally so sad. So you buy for all them, but no one buys for you? Why is that “the way it should be”? Because you’re an adult? But you buy for your husband and parents, who are also adults? Tragic.

Slughorn · 09/12/2024 19:26

OP - I agree, get your husband to return the necklace and buy the one you asked for. He should feel embarrassed, so that he does better next year.

coxesorangepippin · 09/12/2024 19:30

Yes my 40th was as you describe

My 50th won't be

arcticpandas · 09/12/2024 19:30

Oldcrockpot · 09/12/2024 17:23

Oh I forgot to mention the best part - I got to have ‘birthday sex’ , which I was obviously enthralled about having been made to feel like a princess all day

I would have used the garden scissors...

LostTheMarble · 09/12/2024 19:32

MintShaker · 09/12/2024 18:08

I never get birthday or Christmas gifts from my husband children parents or anyone in fact. I always put a lot of thought and effort into buying for them and that's the way it should be. I cannot for the life of me understand why adults get so precious, demanding and downright entitled about wanting presents, it makes zero sense, it's better to give to other people than to sit like a pampered Prince or princess and wait for others spending their time, effort and money.

‘I get gifts for my husband and children and they don’t give me a second thought. As it should be’. I couldn’t live being a secondary character in my own family life. Someone just milling about in the background and who’s only worth is making other people feel good. Are your husband and children ‘pampered princesses’ for getting gifts? They’re worth your time money and effort but you’re not worth theirs, that’s not avoiding being spoiled it’s just a really sad thing to read. Especially since you’ve convinced yourself it’s the way it’s meant to be.

@Oldcrockpot , honestly I’d tell my husband straight that you asked for something specific and you expect him to make right. As for the birthday sex ‘for you’, urgh. He really needs to do so much better.

MrsWhites · 09/12/2024 19:33

Men should not need instructions as someone said, they are just as capable as women at buying a thoughtful gift and arranging a birthday meal. Why is cooking or arranging food in anyway always seen as womens work?

Some of this is on you though OP, why martyr yourself, you could have pulled him up about not doing his share of the housework and you certainly didn’t need to take him up on the ‘birthday sex’!

Original poster
Oldcrockpot · 09/12/2024 20:00

I pulled him up. He says it’s not very nice that I had a go at him and he ‘forgot’ (asked multiple times and he said yes) - this is for stuff he just should do anyway to be honest, like loading the dishwasher. Not a special ‘job’ id assigned because it was my birthday

OP posts: