Disappointing birthday, AIBU?

[Oldcrockpot]

Feeling very sad, it was my birthday yesterday (a big one) and I had fleece from my parents which is the same as a million others I have, husband got a nice necklace but I have wanted a very specific and personal meaning one for well over a year and have asked for it for my birthday, even sent him the links etc well in advance. The one I have is nice but very run of the mill and from the local jewellery shop which means he probably got it that day. I got a jumper from MIL, which again is nice but nothing special. I feel very un-special right now. The kids made me a nice card which was cute though.

(adding that the family is well off so nothing to do with finances that the presents are not super extravagant)

I still did all the household chores, even the ones I asked DH to do he didn’t. Had a freezer batch cook meal for tea. No surprise in that department either. Then folded laundry and went to bed. Today one colleague who I hardly see anymore said happy birthday, nothing from my boss or team.

AIBU and a princess to feel really really sad and unappreciated? Or is this what to expect in middle age?

Tough shit, it’s not very nice to feel ignored and dismissed is it. You asked (and reminded him, which you shouldn’t have to do) one simple thing for your birthday and he didn’t have the decency to get it right. He evidently didn’t forget, he got a similar item in a ‘that will do’ manner thinking you’d not actually pull him up on it. Now he’s trying to turn it around on you because ‘at least he tried’ somehow equates to an acceptable effort. Now he has to fix it. And pull his finger out in general by the sounds of it.

It’s hurtful for you. Take the necklace your husband bought for you back and buy the one you want

OMG OP your response from DH is so sad!
Bit of gaslighting there in the "its not nice" and "he forgot" from your DH
No its not nice to have such little effort made on a significant birhday!
Please prioritise yourself a bit more
I'm not a big fan of birthdays but my DH alway says we can do whatever I want to do which generally means a lovely walk and a homecooked meal cooked by him!
Return the necklace and the fleece and get what you want

That's rotten, OP. Very thoughtless of everyone. It doesn't take a lot just to even order a takeaway, put a few decs up, buy a cake, etc. You did get a cake from him, didn't you?

Don't make an effort for his birthday

In other words, your life is shit and you'd like ours to be as well so you don't feel so bad about it.

Hard pass.

I get presents. And dinner and drinks and another dinner and drinks with friends and a homemade cake as well. And it's fabulous and I deserve it. So there.

Have you thought of treating yourself to a divorce for Christmas? It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Your DP doesn't know how easy he's got it.

Mine has to buy a lot of presents (from my Amazon wishlist because he'd be lost otherwise), cook my favourite meal, take me out somewhere, buy a nice bakery cake, and this year he planned a 2 day party on top (one day at home, one day he booked out a local cinema screen privately), and we went abroad as a couple (organised together, paid jointly). And it wasn't a milestone birthday.

Birthdays are huge to me so he knows he has to put the effort in. It sounds like yours needs to stop things sliding and you need to make it clear now or you won't even get a present in a couple of years from the sounds of things.

You could have said 'no'. Not suggesting weaponising sex, but if you are not in the mood because you feel unappreciated and ignored, why would you go along with it?

No it doesn't have to be like this.
Treat yourself to the necklace you wanted, and book a treat like a spa day at the same time. Go and get a nice cake and some bubbly. Then say that this is how you prefer to celebrate, and you would like to go out to eat on your birthday from now on.
Make your wishes known x

Tell DH he either makes an effort again or you will match his effort from now on, which is to say - very little effort.

And tell him to return the necklace because it's not the one you gave him a link for.

Also match your parents low effort for their birthdays and leave DH to sort MIL's gift.

And did you feel like you had to have sex with DH?

I am not a princess, I am a chubby old gimmer, but between my dc and my dh i would not be allowed to do a thing on my birthday, we would go out to eat or get a takeaway at least, and if I requested a particular gift I would get it. That is all very basic stuff and you are definitely entitled to be disappointed.

@Garden bird is bang on the money. ‘ make your wishes known’. Don’t be a martyr.

It took me a few years to get DH into shape for my birthday, partly because I don’t think he would notice his own if I didn’t make a big deal of it. Now he starts planning before I would expect him to.

Make your wishes known. Also, don’t forget to be lavish with the praise when he does it right (I know MN thinks that men and indeed the rest of the world should just do everything right without being told, but in the real world, thanks and praise get repetition - or even increase) .

YANBU at all OP

I can’t for the life of me think that this is okay. Why on earth on earth are you being such a martyr unless of course you are being sarcastic and I’ve read your post wrong

That’s really sad & even sadder that you think it’s ok. Most of us have higher standards & expect to be treated as an equal. You need to work on your self-esteem.

OP you need to stop doing the chores you asked your husband do forthwith. You also need to tell him how upset you are at his lack of care about your birthday. Who cares if he doesn’t like it. Or you do the same for him when it’s his birthday. I like presents and being spoilt on my birthday and I expect my husband to do it. I work hard for the family all year round and it’s the one day of the year that I want to be spoilt. I make no bones about that and neither should you OP. You are being entirely reasonable in your feelings. Happy belated Birthday 🎁

Sorry you had a crappy birthday but I do feel there's an element of martyrdom. In our house we ask each other what the other wants to do/wants for dinner. Use your voice. Don't do chores, surely most of them can wait one day.

Sorry your birthday was diaapointing.

How far in advance did you send the link to the necklace, are we talking months, weeks , days? Only asking this as mine has an absolute terrible memory, so if I send something too far in advance , there is a chance it will be forgotten. You aren't in the wrong for calling it out.

I think if you want a big fuss for birthdays you need to be the one who drives the birthday train.

Your husband hasn’t stepped up here (who wants freezer dinner on their birthday??) so I would just give him the necklace back to return, ask him to buy the one you actually wanted and specifically asked for, and ask when he’s taking you out for dinner.

I’m assuming you do things for his birthday and don’t eat freezer dinner then?

The “so there” made me laugh 😂

The Dec and January birthdays are overlooked its crap. Happy B op. My mum gave me nothing for 50th. I decided I would put small efforts into theirs now. It does hurt though as u say

Be just as crap back when it’s his birthday!

Last year I didn't even get a card ... wasn't a big birthday no surprises nothing makes you feel awful so this year I've made a point of nothing special back and sure enough people are wanting to do stuff this year and buy me stuff take me
Places, funny how they suddenly change when they get the same back.
Happy birthday anyway , next year take yourself somewhere nice like a spa leave them all to it.

Birthday fuss is for children, surely?

What self-respecting adult demands xyz and has a tantrum if things aren't just right?

The OP got multiple presents from her family. So fucking what if it's not the exact necklace she wanted?

The freezer meal is a bit shit, but she could very, very easily have said she wanted to order a takeaway. The same with the household chores - 'DH would you mind doing x, I'm putting my feat up.'

It's just a childish sulk over nothing.

Perhaps her husband is sick of the annual grief and behaviour associated with just another day a grown adult's birthday?

Are you the crappy DH in this scenario or something?