I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

THIS ☝️

Your Dad is your Dad...He brought you up.
You could cause massive upset and also be possibly be disinherited if you aren't ''his''.

Your mother sounds awful.
Cheating like that on your poor Dad. {the one who brought you up}

the company who makes this kit isn't responsible for the infidelity and lying. It's wrong to lie to a child about who their Dad is.

He'll have to qualify as a Doctor first- then specialise- a long haul.

I was really feeling for you until you said your son was training to be a psychiatrist. He's not, he's doing A levels. He'll then have to be accepted at uni to do a medical degree and then specialise. It's only because you gave your year of birth and ages of your children you've been caught massively exaggerating.
People are picking you up on it because It does make one question everything you have said. Your mother is behaving dreadfully, but you also are not coming over as honest

You know now OP. But surely you view your non biological dad as your dad, therefore what is the point in upsetting the applecart now? Are you going to pursue a relationship of any sort with your birth dad? Your issues with your mother aren't about your parentage, they're about a whole lifetime of behaviour.

Ok, wording.

He's planning to be one.

It's funny that your comment and other goady pp have picked up on a little detail that even her own deranged mother didn't make a big deal about - the point isn't about her son and his goals but how the mother responded and didn't stop until the whole family agreed.

Thanks for clarifying.
I didn't even realise there were sites like this.
I still think the concept of this as a "fun present" with your kids is weird.

It's not actually a little detail. It suggests op wildly exaggerates or make things up which is relevant.

I don't know why so many people on this thread seem intent on saying this is your fault for doing a dna test or that you should leave it alone. Whatever the truth of the moment of your conception I doubt you will hear it from your mother who seems a well practised liar. And at this point one who is desperately struggling to keep control of the situation whatever the cost.

I'm really sorry OP - it does seem you can't win - your choice is to accept everything that she throws at you or blow it all out if the water. What I have learned is that you rarely get an apology or a confession from parents who have spent so long spinning a certain narrative to make themselves feel better they believe their own lies and simply can't face the truth. "I tried my best..", "I had my reasons", "you are ungrateful". All that. But the only person who can choose if it's worth it, or what is most important (the truth or the status quo) is you. Perhaps you have very little to lose, but the fact remains that none of this is your doing. It is all down to your mother, based on just the one single lie from which all others have sprung.

Have you heard of Helen Villiers? She's well worth a look on insta / Fb re dealing with this kind of narcissistic mother.

Gosh the trolls on this thread today…

It's not wildly exaggerated or made up though.

It's not unusual for a 17 year old to have chosen a career path at A levels. They are literally taught to decide subjects based on further education and career goals.

OP doesn’t have to be sensitive to her mums feelings at all. She has been lied to about who her father is and that is a massive issue. I’d be fucking raging.

IMO
this is more about her, her own reputation with family and friends - there is probably a lot lies from the 1980s she is still telling.

This is not about your dad, it’s about her. She is trying to denying she was unfaithful … or tricked your dad into thinking it was his. Not buying the rape, she made it up to manipulate you.

At this point, you have nothing to lose by being open. You already have lost her.

Talk the your dad first, your mum too tricky and her lying about an illness is very telling.

Just tell him about DNA test. And see what he says …

Several of my family members have done it in order to look at their ethnic background.

I'm half Eastern European and found it funny when someone on the Scottish side found that they had a chunk of Eastern European in them too. (Mainly Scottish and Welsh, however.)

When I looked into it, my Scottish great-granny had an ancestor who appears to have been an Eastern European pastry cook.

Most people expect to match up with distant cousins and don't consider the possibility of different parentage.

I am only expressing my view. I assume you posted here because you wanted people’s views. I am just concerned that you are only seeing your side of things. Everyone plays a role in a relationship - it always takes 2 people to have a relationship. I am also concerned that you are a little too focussed on yourself and I wonder if there is a dynamic in your family which reflects that. I have no doubt that your mum has some mental health issues (I doubt the use of the narcissist tag). I do seem to turn everything back to you though and I wonder why that is. I think you’d benefit specifically from Transactional Analysis as a form of therapy. It helps a lot with relationships and family dynamics. The fact that your family is so quick to turn their back on you makes me think that you have had a recurring problem with relationships with them.

But do you remember - You aren’t the only one who has had a big shock with this. Can you imagine yourself into this situation yourself with your own children? Try to be understanding of what she’s going through too. You don’t need to keep her secret but avoiding her isn’t helping. You need to work through the issues you have together and discussing what you’re going to do.

Honestly, several of my family members have done it - cousins and their children. A couple of folk have had results showing a teeny percentage of Polynesian, which might explain the old, old photograph we have of a darker-skinned lady who looks exactly like my gran and great-gran, but dark hair and complexion instead of fair.

I do recall my mum and her cousins not being happy when some family members started looking into genealogy: "You never know what skeletons might fall out of the cupboard."

It turned out that great-gran had been duped after her husband was killed in a disaster. Her second man had drunk all the compensation money and then abandoned the family. My mum's generation was embarrassed about it.

(We were told "husband", but I've found no record of a second marriage.)

Psychiatry is not a career path you can follow at 17. It is something qualified doctors decide to specialise in. OP didn't say he is hoping to do medicine and then become a psychiatrist. She said he is training to be a psychiatrist and going on some courses for it which is like saying he is training to be a brain surgeon.

Okaaaaay, so the fault here lies with the person who did the tests? Come on 😂

Easy to say from the outside I know but from what you've said I just wouldn't believe a word that comes out of your mum's mouth and certainly would not protect her at the cost of being ostracised. I would reveal the evidence to the wider family about how appallingly I have been treated. Even if she did manage to manipulate every last family member with her lies and stories, it's not like you have anything to lose anyway because she's already stopped them all talking to you. I'd be exposing her. You never know, they might even realise they've all been manipulated too.

Why is wanting to trace your own genealogy weird?

Agree, as long as people have set their user name as their real name. My top 20 matches all have their real names as their user names, or something like GSmith702 which is a variation on the theme of their name. I have to scroll to about number 40 to get someone who is just using their initials.

To reiterate - most people doing Ancestry DNA tests want to find matches. So have no reason to hide who they are. Many women though, like me, are on there under their birth/maiden surname as I am interested in matching with my genetic family, who would perhaps recognise my birth name of for example Susan Brown, but not my married name of Susan White.