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Original poster

Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

337 replies

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

OP posts:
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5
RosesAndHellebores · 09/12/2024 07:57

Taken with the other things you have said about her, possibly neuro diverse. However, neuro diverse people can still be polite.

What do you reckon the chances are that she will like your favourite perfume, a nice L'Occitane set or a new bag that you want. However, to be fair I'm a MIL and wouldn't want anything from the genres, ie Country Casual type shops, that you have described.

standardduck · 09/12/2024 07:58

I don't understand why it's your responsibility.

Just tell DH to pick up something for his mum and if she doesn't like it, he deals with it.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 09/12/2024 07:59

I haven't read all of the replies, but how old is MIL?

Ewock · 09/12/2024 07:59

No way would I be continuing to spend my time thinking about a present, buying and wrapping it for someone so blatantly ungrateful. If your dp wants ger to have a present he can sort it.

Ossoduro2 · 09/12/2024 08:00

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

This is genius. Do this. You endure a moment of rudeness as she hands it back but you’ve fulfilled your side of things (ie buying a gift) and you have the bonus of getting something you actually wanted !

Blogswife · 09/12/2024 08:01

What a selfish cow ! I would flatly refuse to buy anything . If your OH wants to get her something then suggest flowers. If she doesn’t like them she can give them to you to enjoy

Tagyoureit · 09/12/2024 08:02

But very odd your dh has given you the responsibility of buying for his mother.

Worthalltheyears · 09/12/2024 08:03

How on earth did this become your job?Give it back to your husband and let him celebrate his mother’s honesty.

rainbowstardrops · 09/12/2024 08:06

Yes she's rude. Very rude! Having said that, I wouldn't be listening to your partner when he says he's given you the job of buying for her. Absolutely not sunshine!!!! Stand up for yourself.

HappyTwo · 09/12/2024 08:08

There was once a water charity where you could buy water equipment (like a pump) for a village on behalf of someone and they gave you something to print off so you could say - for your present I bought a water pump for a village sort of thing. Only suits some people but if you can find some sort of charity thing like that it would be hard for her to give that back!
Sounds like she is awful sorry - but this is on your hubby to sort out.

sickandtiredofitallnow · 09/12/2024 08:11

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

This!

ChocolateLemsip · 09/12/2024 08:12

I've never understood why women think it's their responsibility to sort presents for their husband's family.

Why do you OP?

Changeyourfuckingcar · 09/12/2024 08:17

‘but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.’
More fool you for accepting this. There’s not a chance this would be on me, she’s ungrateful and rude and, most importantly, she’s HIS mother.

Sharptonguedwoman · 09/12/2024 08:20

I don't agree with your OH at all. If you don't like a gift, accept gracefully with a smile and a thank you and then rehome it. It say you don't like a gift is incredibly rude.
Honestly, give this one straight back to your OH. His mother, his problem.

WolfFoxHare · 09/12/2024 08:21

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

This is the way.

TiggyTomCat · 09/12/2024 08:24

HappyTwo · 09/12/2024 08:08

There was once a water charity where you could buy water equipment (like a pump) for a village on behalf of someone and they gave you something to print off so you could say - for your present I bought a water pump for a village sort of thing. Only suits some people but if you can find some sort of charity thing like that it would be hard for her to give that back!
Sounds like she is awful sorry - but this is on your hubby to sort out.

Like this idea - she would be very hard hearted to complain about a charitable gift.

Alwaystired23 · 09/12/2024 08:24

Your MIL is rude. I would tell your dh you're not buying her anything, leave it to him to sort.

Toomanyemails · 09/12/2024 08:25

Rude. You can't solve the rudeness but you can solve the stress of finding the perfect present by opting out of that as a goal. Tell DH it's his job, you can suggest something super easy like chocs or a Prezzee voucher or cash, then you won't be hurt if she returns it and you can easily use it. Up to him if he wants to ask her for tips.

I have a family member on the spectrum who gets hurt if they don't receive gifts but is visibly (though not audibly because they're not deliberately rude!) unimpressed by any attempts to find something thoughtful - they like their specific brands and don't understand why we'd get something that's not exactly the thing they like. But they do send links to things they want, will consume chocs/wine even if they'd prefer their favourite brands, and would never return a gift or say they don't need it.

CarolinaWren · 09/12/2024 08:26

I would prefer your MIL's way over the gift receiving technique I've seen posted on Reddit, which is to accept anything and everything you're offered, then throw it in the trash as soon as you leave the giver's house. I would be livid if I found out I was spending my hard earned money on gifts for someone, who was then throwing everything in the garbage.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/12/2024 08:31

Pass this back to your husband, unless he's happy for you to respond truthfully if she disregards the present.

Maddy70 · 09/12/2024 08:34

Why are you present hunting? This is your dhs problem not yours

User37482 · 09/12/2024 08:36

Hand it back to her son to sort out.

FestiveFruitloop · 09/12/2024 08:38

CarolinaWren · 09/12/2024 08:26

I would prefer your MIL's way over the gift receiving technique I've seen posted on Reddit, which is to accept anything and everything you're offered, then throw it in the trash as soon as you leave the giver's house. I would be livid if I found out I was spending my hard earned money on gifts for someone, who was then throwing everything in the garbage.

Agreed. But surely if she doesn't want something she could just say thank you like a normal person, keep it and then quietly regift it?

I can see people might have their reasons for refusing a gift, but to me it's very rude, I'd never do it.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/12/2024 08:40

OP, don’t make the mistake of thinking she doesn’t know exactly what she’s doing - of course she does. You need to understand that this is a game of control and whatever you give her, she isn’t going to like it. And her comment to your DH that she will be very hurt if she doesn’t get anything, shows that she knows the effect her behaviour is having. She enjoys having you both running round like headless chickens trying to find something to please her, only to be slapped down when she hands it back.

Stop enabling it. If she’s made it plain previously that she doesn’t want to come to you for Christmas, then fine. Stop asking - if she comments, tell her you don’t want to put her in the awkward position of refusing yet again. If she moans about the work involved when you go for dinner, refuse her invitations and tell her you feel uncomfortable that she won’t let you help, or reciprocate, but constantly reminds you how much work it is. Do you have children ? If so, suggest to her that the adult family members stop buying Christmas gifts for each other and just concentrate on the children. If not, then do the same thing for Christmas and her birthday - throw the ball back in her court and just get her a card and nothing else. Ask her to let you know what she would like as a gift so you can get it for her. And leave it at that.

This will let her know that you’re on to her little game and you’re not playing any more. If you don’t do something she’ll just carry on - you’re enabling her batshit off the scale rudeness. Oh and tell your DH to grow a pair - his mother, his problem.