Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

[ChocBanana]

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

THE PROBLEM HERE IS YOUR HUSBAND.

Tell the lazy fucker that this is not your job. Tell him to get off his arse and communicate with his actual mother and get her present. Although frankly she doesn't deserve one.

Has the OP mentioned her DP's mum is 'incredibly autistic'?

If not, why wouldn't you 'decry it as rude behaviour necessarily'?

She's wrong. But have you ever asked her what she would like?

I feel like this is an excellent present idea🤭🤣

Bunch of flowers

Sorry,but I couldn't get past the bit where you said 'She opens it and gives it back saying 'Oh no thank you,you can keep that'. What a rude woman!

Tho I do like the idea of giving her something you'd like and then when the rude bat hands it back say a delighted ooh thankyou, I do like it! As though she's done you a favour.

Wasn't there a news story fairly recently about an Australian woman who cooked her relatives a lovely meal? I believe some kind of poisonous mushrooms were involved?

A fair number of middle aged and older people with poor social skills and difficult social relationships do turn out to be undiagnosed and on the spectrum. OP may well have no idea.

I'd be telling DH that as you find her attitude to gifts hugely rude and annoying but it doesn't bother him, he should be the one to get her a gift.

I wouldn't buy a single thing for the woman ever again, if I were you.

Choose something for yourself you actually quite fancy, then when she gives it back say "Thanks, I was thinking when I chose this for you I'd actually of loved it for myself." Then you get something you actually wanted, because either way she just gives it back. So might as well buy what you'd like rather than waste your time doing mental gymnastics trying to find something she will and wasting your energy and money.

Or she may just be an obnoxious, extremely rude cunt 🤷‍♂️

Unless the OP states otherwise, I think we should leave the armchair autism diagnosis alone.

OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

Fuck. That.

Seriously. Tell him with absolutely zero frills or discussion - “She is your mother, you need to sort out a gift if you want her to have one.”

Your MIL is rude and unreasonable, but your OH is an ass for trying to dump this on you.

The fucking audacity of your dick head of a husband.

Out of sheer principle alone. Forgetting all the story regarding MIL.

You have to say No! He will do 100% of the work for her gift because you are not his fucking secretary.

Don't you bloody dare even give him a single idea.

Flowers?

Obviously she sounds awful and I’m not sure why you’d take on her present buying, but a practical solution is flowers. Tell DH to arrange a delivery a
so you don’t need to be there when she gets them.

This is a hard one because on one hand I get it. I'd much rather exchange a gift for something that will be used than for it to lie in a cupboard unused, especially in a house where money is tight.

I think I'd ask her for ideas.
But failing that I'd get something you like or something from M&S or Next that are easy to exchange

Give denture adhesive cream and a denture brush- Oh, sorry OP, I thought those were clearly false teeth all these years! 😜

Bloomer style knickers 2 sizes larger than she'd need

Otherwise, something that YOU will like when its handed back.

There's nothing worse than having to pretend you like something just because you've been given it - and it's such a waste of money too.
In our family we ask people to make a note of stuff they'd like throughout the year as they think about it - and circulate it around Christmas and birthdays. Not exact items, but in general terms - a selection of cheap and dearer things. The actual gift is in the effort someone makes to try and buy (or make!) an item you'd like and will be most appropriate.
For instance I've suggested for myself a fleecy dressing gown, a potato peeler, pretty china pots to hide the ugly plastic pots my enormous houseplant collection live in... Dh bought me a metal detector some years ago which he spent an age researching... My son has had a couple of apple trees for his garden...

His mum, his problem to sort.
You have tried repeatedly.

Your MiL is extremely rude. But your OH is an arse. How dare he leave it to you to buy his ungrateful mother a gift?

If you can’t face the discussion with him so close to Christmas, then I love the idea others have suggested of you buying something you’d like which she will give back to you, like a voucher for a spa day. Think of it as weaponised incompetence, with an added bonus.

Yup.

This reminds me of one of my close friends mothers.She's rude AF to my friend and her older brother and openly tells them she doesn't like her gifts.

However anything her golden child buys her (her younger son) is wonderful and she loves to brag about his gifts.

I think your DH has absolved himself of the responsibility of buying for his cow of a mother because he can't be fucked to deal with her behaviour.

Time I think for that responsibility to go back to him.

That would be a great secret Santa present 🤣🤣

You beat me to it! Just what I was going to suggest.
Think of a nice treat that you and your dh and dc would all enjoy.