Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

[ChocBanana]

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

Box of dairy milk. Every year.

I would be buying her a gorgeous cashmere jumper from my favourite shop and in my size, with DH's money.....

Get her something you want/need/like.
She keeps it's well at least then you know.
She gives it back... winning !

If definitely but her something that you'd like (with your husbands CC) and then when she gives you your gift, I'd hand that back and say sorry you can keep this.
my MIL has the tendency to buy me really chavvy, sparkly things that I'd never wear or use and clothes in her size (she's about 6 dress sizes bigger than me) I don't say a think, just stick it in a bag and give it to the charity shop.

I love this idea!! yes, tell your husband you need a lot of money for her present (don't you dare get it from the joint account!) then buy something you'd love.

Bonus points if it's something to wear and you immediately put it on after she rejects it.

I was thinking that.

Or chocs of your choice in the hope that she'll give them back!

But yes her son should be sorting it out.

YABU for caving in to your unreasonable H: this is his problem!

Love the suggestion of getting what you want and if it comes back result, if it is accepted result. I would also ensure your DH gives the gift and stresses he chose it. I would go the way of money in an envelope, saying buy what brings you joy, saves a great deal of grief each way

I bet if OP bought something OP wanted MiL would accept it and stick it in a drawer rather than the hoped/for declining it and OP wouldn’t even get it!

Three options.

1. Tell DH it's his mum, his problem.

2. You choose the present, but choose something you would want (when she inevitably gives it back).

3. Have an honest conversation with her. Doesn't have to be dramatic, just tell her you'd like some hints on what to buy for her since she's given every present you have bought, back.

I had a relative who used to do this. I just bought her stuff I wanted but wouldn’t normally treat myself to. So it looked like she was getting a nice gift, but she’d either forget to take it, or tell me she didn’t want it, or give it back a week later. One year I was on maternity leave and really broke so I bought her a lovely Christmas cookie jar and got the kids to help make her Christmas cookies? She gave the jar back in December the next year, with the cookies still in it. That’s when I started buying stuff I wanted. I love that cookie jar

What gift would you love to receive but would never buy because it would be too wasteful and expensive. I'm thinking Hermes scar

Buy that and let her give it back to you.

Sorted. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. .

Excellent suggestion!

Very rude.
Absolutely tell your husband you're not going to be getting her anything.

Your MIL is a rude twat and it doesn't sound as though the apple has fallen far from the tree as far as your DH is concerned.

How dare he says that a) she's just being honest when she's being incredibly rude and b) it's your job to find a gift that she would like?

Tell your DH that you will not be involved in the choosing/buying of the gift for MIL's birthday or Christmas present. Bugger family harmony. I'd see a lot less of her if I were you.

I'd write out your OP (midified slightly!), listing everything you've given in the past that she's rejected.

Then add that she doesn't like reading, so can't buy her books, she doesn't like films, so can't get her anything film related, she doesn't like music, so can't get her anything music related. (How DOES she sound her time.)

Therefore, here's £25 (or however much you would spend), so she can buy something she WOULD like, in whatever shop she chooses, as obviously the voucher was too restrictive.

If your husband insists on buying something, I'd consider getting a subscription for a puzzle book or a magazine, as a last ditch attempt, and if that gets thrown back in your face add it to the list of "we tried, but it was also rejected" for next year.

This.

Look, whether she's being rude or being honest, it's a difference of opinion between you and your husband. Your real problem is thinking that she's rude but are still allowing your husband to put it on me to work out a present for her (in your own words)

All you have to do is say no, she's your mother, you buy it for her. And refuse to engage in further conversation. Trust me, you'll feel much better when boundaries are in place.

She is very rude.
Voucher for Sparks & Mencer.
Trying to avoid link.
If she really can’t find anything she wants there I’m sure you can.

Ask her what she wants then tell her that your DH will buy it.

She is beyond rude.

If funds are tight I would get her a voucher for M&S and if returned use it for a treat shop. Alternatively keep the receipt for a jumper etc and get the money back.

Ask her what she wants. If she doesn't answer say well let us know when you've decided. Don't get her anything till she has given you an answer. This needs to be bounced back to her. She has made an an art of being awkward

There are a lot of things worse than just graciously saying thank you for a present you don't particularly like. Having to buy and hand over a present to an ungrateful twat is worse.

Her MIL gives her back vouchers from her favourite shop because she doesn't need anything from there right now. She is incredibly rude.

If OP's MIL said that she didn't need anything at the moment, so don't buy her anything, that would be fine. But she tells her son that she would be incredibly hurt if he didn't buy her anything, thus setting him (well not really, setting OP) an impossible task.

Cash stuffed in a card. If you are feeling kind you could get new notes from a bank, otherwise old ones will do.

Amazon or John Lewis voucher? Or just say to her that as you never seem to find the right gift for her what would she actually like? Put her on the spot.

I bought MIL a lovely plant once.
she complained because she’d have to water it.