Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

[ChocBanana]

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

It's very rude. When my mother died and we were clearing her house I found all the perfume, bath products that I had been getting her from her DGC. She could have set up her own shop. She never said anything. Had I known I would have bought her something else. Probably my fault for not realising

have only read the OP. Because

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.

he can get her a plant. Chuck it in her bin if she gives it back. Or flowers. Or anything.

I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

he is also fucking rude, wonder where he gets it from. Push it right back on him. Use words like "if you don't get her anything, she gets nothing and it's on you"

But honestly? if she hands you back whatever you give her either make sure it's something your family want or need and can use. Or b stick it straight in the bin, right in front of her.

I agree with PP's who say this is an opportunity to buy yourself something you really want. However, given Sod's law* she will probably love it and keep it.

*is it ok to use this phrase these days? If not, apologies.

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

I absolutely love this suggestion and might try it myself. dh is of the camp of being honest if you don't like something but I still think it is polite to thank in the first instance for the care and thought.

Tell your boyfriend that she really likes your favourite perfume. Tell him to go and buy the biggest bottle he can find. Then enjoy smelling nice for the rest of the year.

Your husband buys the present and gives it to her.
If he has a problem with her giving it back, he says something to her.

Or this!

Ten quid in an envelope and a bunch of flowers from the garage. If your DH thinks that is not enough, I'd add a pair of leather trousers. Or sexy lingerie. In my size

She seems stuck in her ways, which demonstrates as rude.
Is it possible she cannot help it, for the sake of not having anxiety?

but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

How about he buys his rude mother a gift?! This is ridiculous. You should tell him no. Or if you must buy the gift, get this: https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/etiquette-of-politeness-book-jan-barnes-9781898617075?sku=GOR004424294&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAID1CzyqAXaYSSkp4uFVcCoKW

Husband to buy her mum gift.

did your husband sort out your mum present ?!

so no issue at all. Carry on your day. Ha

It's very easy to deal with an unwanted gift. You just smile, say thank you and pass it on to someone who will like it, or to a charity shop. Your MIL is rude, but so is your OH for expecting you to choose the gift. Tell him to sort it out himself or she won't get anything.

Also agree if she doesn’t want it this year - you put it in the bin in front of her.

@ChocBanana
The more the charity goat is suggested the more like it, could you "blame" the kids "grandma is the G.O.A.T" ( greatest of all time) 😁🎀🐐

Not your job

get him to get a wish list

Why is this your job? Does your OH’s precious penis prevent him from buying gifts? Diddums! Tell both of them to fuck off! She’s rude and he’s pathetic.

I think your MIL is suffering a personality disorder so chill and don't take it personally.

I would rebuy the three items she liked last year.
Other ideas:
A nice quality bath towel - monogramed then you can't accept it back.
A gift vouchure to her favourite coffee shop or fruit shop.
A gift vouchure to her hair dresser.
Treat or lead or toy for her dog or cat.
A photo of herself in a frame.
Donation to charity on her behalf like - Christmas Bowl, Christmas Caritas, Anglicare, Red Cross, UNICEF
Service her car.
Mow her lawn and plant a Lisbon Lemon.
Airfryer or new kettle.

My MIL was difficult to buy for.
One year she had complained about her tights.
So we bought her 50 pairs of tights.
She was delighted.

Try something boring like that but really it should be her son who buys her present.

Obviously the answer is “husband it’s your mum and she rejects every present we buy her. It’s your responsibility to buy her gift from now on - I won’t be doing it.”

100% this! Find something you want, buy it, wrap it up for her and be glad when she gives it back. Everyone’s a winner 🤣

Get your husband (because this is entirely, 100% his problem) to ask her: "look mum, is there anything you want for Christmas? Because you refuse every single thing we ever get you, and we're out of ideas".

And if that doesn't work, buy her something you want.

It is stunningly rude.

If your DH isn't going to step up and do it himself, I wouldn't even bother to do the getting something nice for yourself thing, tbh. I expect she's doing it on purpose because she knows it's you who does the shopping, wrapping and all the work of trying to find lovely things for her. So I'd definitely want to make sure she doesn't get the pleasure of rejecting perfectly nice end thoughtful gifts.

So I'd buy something generic, and when she gives it back, save it and re-gift it to her next year, and the year after, and every year until your DH does what he's supposed to do and takes up the burden himself.

Tell your husband its his mum and he can buy her the gift. She might be less rude if it comes from him. I think when you get a gift you say thanks and of uou don't like it give it to the bloody charity shop. She's rude and not very gracious.

Absolutely pass this back to your husband!! It's his mother and she's clearly hell to buy for! I wouldn't give it the time of day!

Get him to send her a card & well wishes and that would be it for me if he can't think of anything else.

I'd accept I can't win with her and then either make my husband buy something or buy her something I'd either like or would use so that the money spent wasn't completely wasted.