Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

[ChocBanana]

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

I vote for a charity gift. Either a charity you support so you can be pleased they've had a donation or you could go the other way and choose something silly like sponsor pile of poo from Oxfam...(Google it!)

Buy her a hand held mirror

I agree with the suggestions to buy something you would like. I particularly like the cashmere scarf idea - preferably a colour both you and she could wear and then if she doesn't want it, happy days, you can use it.

Similarly would work with a lovely tube of hand cream.

My dad is like this. I couldn’t in a million years imagine turning to my DH and saying, ‘you sort it out’. I mean wtf.

She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.
But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.

”Dear MiL, this year we are having a Christmas at our house and you’re welcome to be there to give you a break from all the work it involves. However we have decided not to do presents as we want to step away from that intense consumerist hype.
For your birthday we always seem to get it wrong and so this year we have chosen in lieu of presents to give a donation in your name to the British Heart Foundation. We hope you will appreciate the difference that you are making with this generous gesture.”

She sounds intolerable and I think the only way out is to be intolerable back. Tell her you will be weaving your own yoghurt as an accompaniment to the lentil roast you’re doing for Christmas dinner and just stop giving her things. She’s using those occasions to put you down, deliberately, so just call her bluff and do something she can’t reject without showing herself up to be mean-spirited. If she does complain then your DH can remind her about all the times you have tried to bring something really thoughtful and she’s just shoved it back at you.

It is rude. Even if you don’t like what someone has got you you don’t just push it back to them after unwrapping it! You at least wait and tell them later, quietly, or you quietly regift it to someone else.

Nope, nope, nope.
His Mother, his problem to sort her a present

I know someone who received this as a present !

This

Of course she's rude! Thats so nasty giving back gifts like that.

I echo what others have already said. Tell your dh to buy the present.

And absolve yourself of any responsibility or guilt. Not that you should feel any anyway .
The previous presents all sound very thoughtful

Delegating dh????

hmm… I wouldn’t do it. It’s his mother.

I think I would buy her an 'experience', and the experience would be a fortnight on an ice floe a long way away from me. Seriously, she is beyond rude, and your husband is completely unreasonable in expecting you to deal with her.

hhaaahaa ‘oh no I tried so hard to think of something that you haven’t said you don’t want in the past, and I really thought this was a winner :( :( :( ‘

I've never bought a single present for DH's family and he hasn't bought any for mine.
It's not your problem to solve.

A lifetime membership for the Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society is my go to for those that are fussy, don't want anything or have everything :-)

https://www.telegraphpoleappreciationsociety.org/product/life-membership/

*edit to correct typos

A) remind your husband that since he isn't sorting presents for you parent(s), you won't be sorting any for his.

B) keep the receipts and get something that can 100% definitely be returned for a refund (from somewhere easy to get to) so you're not out of pocket.

C) get something for you, but give it her. If she gives it back, you get to use it (not something your DH would like, just for you).

My three options in order of preference!!

I would definitely just buy John Lewis vouchers. It’s win win. If she accepts and even if she does just stick it in a drawer you’ve got her to accept a present off you and if she gives it back to you it’s a definite win.

Is it possible she's autistic? Sounds like it to me.

Agree with not buying anything though, she's not your mum and not worth the hassle (or at least buy something cheap that you would like yourself)

Are you able to have an open and honest conversation with her. Along the lines of “MIL, I just wanted to talk with you about present giving. You may not have realized it but [DH] and I rack our brains. We find it very difficult when you are clear you do want something special, but are unable to give any clues, but also are very open with how disappointing you find things. Both DH and I have been very hurt and upset about your reaction to gifts bcin the past and I wonder if we could agree on doing things differently going forward?”

Brilliant!! Love this, such a great idea. I would do this!

I was thinking donkey 😁

onlineshop.oxfam.org.uk/bog-standards/product/OU1270RR?sku=OU1270RR
Charity donation?

Stop buying her presents. She is getting a huge amount of pleasure from rejecting you so don't keep giving her the opportunity.

This is a problem for your husband to sort out. Let him choose, buy, wrap and present the gift. She doesn’t want it from you, she wants it from her son.

I actually want a pair of these