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Original poster

Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

337 replies

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
LondonLawyer · 09/12/2024 02:54

This is so 100% a your-husband problem. His Mum, his present, his problem.

HowDidYouGuess · 09/12/2024 03:06

Why are you trying so hard? Bung some chocolates and treats in a basket with a card and be done with it. If she gives it back shrug and enjoy them yourself - her loss.

Bethany83 · 09/12/2024 03:19

Buy her a book on manners or ask her what she wants and explain well you can look forward to something you don't want then as we can never get it right can we in a jokey way to make your point

Enterthedragonqueen · 09/12/2024 04:15

Buy her a cheap box of chocolates like Dairy box and then regift it or donate it to the food bank.

I dealt with my sil like this and shocked her into silence by saying that I'd donate it because I knew she wouldn't like it. Took the wind out of her sails, your mil is behaving like this for a power trip.

Don't fall for ir, your dh should either buy her a gift or not buy her anything at all. This is his problem, not yours.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 09/12/2024 04:58

I'd buy her a bottle of my favourite perfume and thank her when she gives it back!

MrsToothyBitch · 09/12/2024 05:19

A copy of Debretts. Then when she tries to give it back, give it straight back to her saying "no, we bought it because you need it. We've even included a book mark". Stick it in the chapter on gift etiquette.

Failing that, a charity goat donation.

FloppyPencil · 09/12/2024 05:21

@ChocBanana she will probably love anything if your OH buys it.

In your shoes, though, I’d do a £50 (or whatever you spend) supermarket shop of nice biscuits, chocolates, kiddies selection boxes etc and donate anything she doesn’t want to a local food bank on her behalf.

pestowithwalnuts · 09/12/2024 05:22

She's being fucking rude.! What a horrible woman
This year..get her something that you like...as you know it's coming back to you anyway

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 09/12/2024 05:25

Honestly? I’d not bother getting her anything but a card. Maybe shove a tenner in it if I’m feeling generous.

And yes, she’s bloody rude.

ChampagneLassie · 09/12/2024 05:35

Agree your DH should be doing this but Why not ask her now? What she would like? If she suggests surprise explain that you find it upsetting when she rejects your gifts. Or as others have said buy something you’d like and just wait to get it back. My mother behaved similarly but not nearly as bad and i basically virtually stopped presents all together.

Ihopeithinkiknow · 09/12/2024 05:36

Get her something really fucking awful and when she hands it back just tell her you are sorry she doesn't like it but it's what your husband said she would really love and when he looks at you all confused telling you that he didn't suggest that at all just say "oh my mistake I thought you did, I will leave it up to you next year then to avoid me getting it wrong again" then leave it with him lol and if he moans just tell him that after the last time you ain't getting involved because you don't wanna upset his mum again by picking the wrong thing. Play the twat at his own game and let him worry about it

TimeForATerf · 09/12/2024 05:37

My MIL is like this, and I genuinely get on with her, but she’s a present nightmare. Hates everything, doesn’t give you any ideas but would fall out with you if you don’t get anything.

I stopped caring a few years ago, now I buy something with zero effort as she won’t like it anyway. DH tells me not to bother at all as she’s her own worst enemy.

RedHelenB · 09/12/2024 05:39

Just get her something that can be easily returned. Other than that I'd put no thought into it whatsoever.

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2024 05:42

Let your oh organise the present then, she's his mum so if he doesn't think it's rude then that's fine. He can buy it and return it, no need for you to involve yourself

Interlaken · 09/12/2024 05:45

A bunch of flowers, every year.

Diomi · 09/12/2024 05:48

If he needed some help, I would suggest my DH buys a book voucher or Amazon voucher for her because we can always use those.

Goinggreymammy · 09/12/2024 05:53

That is so rude.
One of my children has ASD and struggles with disappointment with gifts but even he knows that if you get a gift you don't like the response is "Thank you" and put it to one side until later when you can decide what to do with it.

Your DH should definitely get the present.

As others suggested pit no thought into it do you're not disappointed when she is rude. For eg. Box of Cadburys Roses.

Sandwichgen · 09/12/2024 06:01

Oxfam do
various gift certificates, for goats, chickens, artesian wells, etc. Ypur MIL could have the satisfaction (or not) of knowing that she has helped a family eat / drink uncontaminated water. She may hand you the certificate back but the money will have done good work

pinkfondu · 09/12/2024 06:06

How are you meant to know what to give her if her own son doesn’t?

Is there any other family, does she do the same?

BeerForMyHorses · 09/12/2024 06:07

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

This is a brilliant idea!

Mo819 · 09/12/2024 06:09

I actually thought you was talking about my MIL lol we bought her a pair of UGG boots one christmas that she had asked for 200 pound. She threw them back at us said they were discussing and I had lost the reciept so couldn't return them.
Like you I have been raised to be grateful for what you get so find this behaviour Batshit. But every xmas and every birthday is the same so now I just give her the reciept and tell her if she dosnt like something she can change it herself.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 09/12/2024 06:10

Beautifully pack an empty box.
When her face drops to a cat's arse look, act surprised and say 'but for years you've told us you didn't want anything, so to save disappointing you this year, we've bought exactly what you asked for"

sleepandcoffee · 09/12/2024 06:10

She sounds rude and ignorant , get her a plant and think nothing more of it

TurquoiseDress · 09/12/2024 06:11

Surely your DH should be sorting out a present for your ungrateful MIL?

Personally I'd try not to give it any more headspace and focus on other Christmas related things- that's what I'd tell my DH if I was in a similar situation