Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

[ChocBanana]

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

2 separate issues here

1. OH has put it on me to work out a present for her...............
2. is she being honest or just being rude ..................

1. why is it down to you to work out a present for her??
2. she's being both honest and (very!) rude

If you're going to go down the route of " my OH wants me to buy for her so, ok that's what I'll do, then PP nailed it by saying just get something you'd like yourself.

Alternatively, say that you can't think of anything and put the onus back on him.

WHY is he putting up with his mother's behaviour?

Why are you just accepting him putting up with his mother's behaviour?

She'll be upset if there's no present, but she doesn't like any of the presents she receives ? ............... wtf??!

Tell him you've tried your best but obviously you're not getting it right, so it's down to him this year.

If you're feeling particularly generous you could advise him to ask her for a list of what she'd like / find acceptable.

Or, you could just let him struggle ................ 😎

She's rude.

The answer is obviously to buy something you would like for yourself.

Yup, from MIL's nearest petrol forecourt - then she can take them back herself! 😂

I really sympathise with you because I am the gift organiser for our family too. However nobody has treated a gift with such staggering rudeness and contempt for my feelings. If you have children who see her doing this, I would have a massive problem with her modelling and example of poor behaviour.
Yes, it might be wasteful to receive something that you aren't fond of, but there's no way I would let the gift giver know that I didn't like it. I was brought up to believe getting a gift is not a right but a treat that I should be grateful and gracious when receiving it. I would respect the intention of the person buying it and being grateful to be given something.

I wouldn't ask her for ideas because it might result in her suggesting things that are too expensive, as she doesn't seem to be thinking about you at all.

Choose something that is a cheap token gift or something you would be happy to be given back.

If it happens again this year I would explain to your husband that you find it hurtful to have your gifts returned, especially as you have put thought into it. Tell him that you won't be buying anything for her next year and if he wants to get her something, he's got to do it himself. Someone who loves you should not want you to be upset and hurt every year. Regardless of if he finds her behaviour rude or not, you do, so he should be understanding and eliminate the issue by stepping up.

I think I’d go with other suggestions here and buy something you’d really like.
Then if she gives it back alls good, it doesn’t go to waste

Hell, yes, she's RUDE! How could anyone give back vouchers for her favourite shop saying “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” Retail vouchers are typically valid for 1 - 2 years (depending on the shop) so she could buy something in 6 months' time when she does need it!
And of course she'd be upset if she didn't get a present from you and DH - she wouldn't have anything to criticise! 🙄
Whilst I agree that it's out of order for your DH to make this your problem, I also agree that buying something you like, in the hope of getting it back, is the way to go - but you have to be subversive about it to make it more fun ..... as the saying goes, "Don't get mad, get even". So, make a hamper again this year with 10 treats you and your DH love - keep a list of what you included. When she inevitably hands some items back (rudely!) make a note of what they are. Next year make up the same hamper, but replace the items she kept with more of the ones she gave back. The object of the game (of which she should be totally unaware) is for her to give you the hamper back in its entirety within 5 years ..... 😂Go on, I dare you! 😉

This is one where I actually blaze at my other half, say eff off, you deal with it, it's your mother and refuse to have anything to do with it. Grow a spine and tell him!

No one can put anything on you... unless you allow it.
But her something you like, that way you can keep it when she gives it back.

Or plain and simple, don't buy her anything!

Bravo! This is the best response to any Mumsnet problem ever !!

He's put it on you?
Well put it right bloody back on him. What the fuck?

Or get her a book on good manners.

Or sponsor an animal in her name.

Or buy something you really want in hopes she'll give it back.

Choose something for yourself you actually quite fancy, then when she gives it back say "Thanks, I was thinking when I chose this for you I'd actually of loved it for myself."

A pound to a penny she'd suddenly decide she loved it after all and snatch it back. She'd be horrified at OP getting something lovely and would have to have the last word.

CASH

or one of those charity gifts

Very good!

I think she's being rude and dishonest.

She gets something out of being hurtful making you both uncomfortable, which is why she says she doesn't like the gifts even when they are things she likes.

I would be tempted to be rude back but I would likely in the end do what others have suggested and get something you like.

And I'd have a headache for supper.

Your mil is rude. Honestly. I would buy her a photo book of your family from this year. Every year.

I wouldn't get her anything. If she's allowed to tell you she'd feel hurt not receiving anything, you should be able to tell her that it's very hurtful that she is repeatedly so rude about what you do get her. And I'd definitely be putting this back on your partner, he can buy his rude hurtful mother something she doesn't want. No one deserves to be treated like this, it's horrible!!

Definitely a charity goat.

"Or sponsor an animal in her name." Yes, this is inspired - she won't be able to give it back to you! Brilliant! 😂😂😂

😂😂😂

That's the best idea ever - do it but don't tell DH - test it out this year & be all smug when it works 👍

She is not the issue in your life, her son is.

He has said that you need to get her gifts? No.

"Your mum, your problem" and refuse. End of.

He is using you as an excuse "Why did you get me that?" "oh well @ChocBanana got it"

So you get the blame.

Fuck that shit.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.

That's what she wants, her son to buy her gift.

She's obviously not offended by the previous years gifts or why else would she be asking for something this year.

Re some of the other behaviour such as not eating food she hasn't cooked and not letting people in her kitchen could be down to anxiety.

She is extremely rude and I would be telling my OH that buying for his mother is solely his job in future.

The other option, as a pp mentioned, is buy something you want and give it to her

I’d do a flower subscription from somewhere like Bloom & Wild. You can do 3, 6 or 12 months I believe.

This!