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Original poster

Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

337 replies

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Topsyturvy78 · 09/12/2024 00:40

Very rude where does she shop? How would she react if you gave her a gift card for M&S food? Or you could treat her to a meal out or afternoon tea. If you have DC offer to pay for her to go on a day out with you later in the year.

Noseybookworm · 09/12/2024 00:40

Why are you allowing your husband to delegate the present buying for his mother to you??? Just don't do it!

PinkArt · 09/12/2024 00:40

OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.
Well put it right back on him then. His rude family member, his problem. It does sound like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree there.
If you absolutely can't do that, although you absolutely should, then definitely just buy something you want. With his money.

crumblingschools · 09/12/2024 00:44

Does your DH have similar attitude to gifts? Why does he think it is your responsibility?

Discombobble · 09/12/2024 00:45

Say no. It’s up to him to find a suitable gift - no reason why you should bear the brunt of her rudeness.

Clarinet1 · 09/12/2024 00:47

I actually think the charity gift idea is quite good - buy something for a dog at Battersea if she likes animals? Something for a starter kit for person who’s been homeless? That kind of thing. Surely then she can’t say it’s not something she needs!

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2024 00:49

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if HE doesn’t get her anything.

I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on ME to work out a present for her.

Let me help you OP, you need to stop making this a personal challenge to find something acceptable, she will never accept what you get her on principle, that much is obvious, and she has made it clear she will be upset with him, not you, so you have two options:

OPTION 1:
Just say no to OH... there you go, easy!!

OPTION 2:
Play her at her own silly game and buy her a voucher for a shop that she doesn't shop in buy you guys do. Win win!

Mrsbloggz · 09/12/2024 00:49

Oh, no thank you, you can keep that
😱
That would only happen once to me. I'd (find it almost impossible not to) shoot her down on the spot.

Clarinet1 · 09/12/2024 00:49

PS Also second the idea that you should tell your OH to deal with his own DM’s gifts though.

Mrsbloggz · 09/12/2024 00:50

OH has put it on me to work out a present for her
Cool, buy a vibrator?

MarkingBad · 09/12/2024 00:55

ChaosHol1 · 09/12/2024 00:28

Choose something for yourself you actually quite fancy, then when she gives it back say "Thanks, I was thinking when I chose this for you I'd actually of loved it for myself." Then you get something you actually wanted, because either way she just gives it back. So might as well buy what you'd like rather than waste your time doing mental gymnastics trying to find something she will and wasting your energy and money.

I came in to say something similar.

I often think if you can't please someone please yourself. She is going to give something back anyway, so let her and if you get something given back you like, it's a bonus.

Stop trying to please the unpleasable and please yourself.

AngryBookworm · 09/12/2024 00:56

Honestly she gets a point for putting the responsibility on your OH rather than assuming you do all the present buying, as he seems to have done. But no, she's super rude. Either tell OH to get fucked and buy something himself, or buy something you like but your OH is allergic to so that when it comes back, he gets as much out of it as he put in.

p1l1l · 09/12/2024 00:58

Get her a hamper of your favourite things. If she says that she doesn’t like/need something and hands it back to you, you just get a lovely present for yourself.

she sounds astonishingly rude though

snotathing · 09/12/2024 01:02

She's rude. Handing back a present is unacceptable. Could she be doing it because she knows you've chosen the gifts? Did she used to give your husband back his before he was with you?

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 09/12/2024 01:04

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

Yes - I thought after reading about the rejected vouchers: '...so buy her vouchers for a department store where you would shop.'

I'd probably go for M&S as at least you can buy food. At the risk of being shouted at for pinning the behaviour on a 'condition', it sounds like she either has OCD or is a narc.

Your DH is a CF.

Floralnomad · 09/12/2024 01:05

Just tell your husband that if he wants to get her a gift then it’s up to him to go and buy it , end of problem .

Orangewinegum8481 · 09/12/2024 01:06

Well, she wouldn't be getting anything from me. She wouldn't even get a Christmas Dinner. Let your DH get his mother a gift, and tell her to bring a packed lunch on Christmas day, since she won't eat anything you make. If she doesn't like she can F off.

Codlingmoths · 09/12/2024 01:06

Put it on you?? How dare he. I would reply well if you’re leaving it with me that’s sorted then, I’m not putting any time or effort into buying your ungrateful mum something.

Guest100 · 09/12/2024 01:06

I agree you should just let DH get her gift. She probably has a very small world, and you don’t create enough drama, and this is the only way she can stir the pot.
She knows it’s you that gets the presents, the time it takes and the mental load. If your DH is likely to not get her anything I would just get a generic voucher to somewhere you will shop with a few years on the use by date. If she gives it back put it aside and give it to her next year. Once it’s close to its date use it yourself.

Gingerbreadloony · 09/12/2024 01:07

Donate to a charity in her name. That way someone will get the benefit of your hard earned cash and if she complains it’ll just confirm what you already know, that she’s a cunt 🤷‍♀️

CelestiaNoctis · 09/12/2024 01:14

I would message her and say, hey so our gifts are usually a miss for you but I'd love to actually get you something you enjoy. Any suggestions of something you want or need? And if she's dismissive then inform her you'll be giving her some money equivalent to a gift you'd usually buy. The end. I would definitely leave it in your partners hands though, no idea why his mum's gift is anything to do with you.

CelestiaNoctis · 09/12/2024 01:15

Also yeah she is a rude cow but I'd give her one last chance with what I said and then after that I'd just not really bother.

Stealthmodemama · 09/12/2024 01:19

Buy the gift you would love.

Give it to her - do not say anything when she gives it back (or do what you have done for the last few years) .. that way if it rudeness she wont twig that you are pleased to get it back

Amazon vouchers - fav drink - snacks you like - go shopping and treat yourself. (I hope you are spending your OH's money to do this) .

OR

Say 'your mum your problem'.