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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

337 replies

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
ClicketyClickPlusOne · 09/12/2024 09:58

She does sound very… singular in her behaviour. Declining to visit or eat elsewhere etc.

It may be that she sees giving it back as a kindness to you? Some people do not react to gifts in the same way. None of DH’s family ever open gifts in front of the giver, or say thank you. But they also shower us with gifts, Different cultural background.

None of which makes it easier to think of a gift, or change the fact that this is DH’s job.

But I’d give her a voucher that says you will pay her Car MOT fee or something.

Or a book token.

Tagyoureit · 09/12/2024 10:08

FestiveFruitloop · 09/12/2024 08:38

Agreed. But surely if she doesn't want something she could just say thank you like a normal person, keep it and then quietly regift it?

I can see people might have their reasons for refusing a gift, but to me it's very rude, I'd never do it.

Show quote history

Or just be adults and say let's not bother with gifts for each other this year and just focus on the kids. That way no one has to bother with gifts for fellow adults. Much easier all round.

Bamboozledbylife · 09/12/2024 10:10

Definable buy her something you like and cross your fingers it comes back to you 😊

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 09/12/2024 10:11

Yes that's a good idea too. But in this case that will cause loads of complaining and whining from MIL about how hurt she is. Which DH apparently can't tolerate...which is why he should buy the bloody gift himself and not make it his wife's burden!!

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 09/12/2024 10:11

Tagyoureit · 09/12/2024 10:08

Or just be adults and say let's not bother with gifts for each other this year and just focus on the kids. That way no one has to bother with gifts for fellow adults. Much easier all round.

Show quote history

Above in reply to this comment.

Oodydoody · 09/12/2024 10:12

Why on earth are you allowing your lazy useless husband to make this a you problem?
Unbelievable🙄

lovelysunshine22 · 09/12/2024 10:13

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

What a great idea, definitely do this OP!

stayathomer · 09/12/2024 10:14

TunaTheSilverTabbyCat

JMSA*
'Dear M-I-L, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I feel I never quite get it right with your presents. Would be great to get you something you'd like/use/need. Can you think of anything? Or is there a certain charity you'd like us to donate to on your behalf?'
Nah.... this is just playing into her hands
who cares if it stops any further thought?!

Tagyoureit · 09/12/2024 10:16

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 09/12/2024 10:11

Yes that's a good idea too. But in this case that will cause loads of complaining and whining from MIL about how hurt she is. Which DH apparently can't tolerate...which is why he should buy the bloody gift himself and not make it his wife's burden!!

Very true!!

LazyArsedMagician · 09/12/2024 10:30

YABU to not just tell him it's his mother, he can sort it, and stop thinking about it.

Yes she's rude but he's obviously cut from the same cloth as he's just decided to pass the buck to you!

whatcanthematterbe81 · 09/12/2024 10:37

lol, absolutely fuck that

C152 · 09/12/2024 11:06

I'm shocked this has been going on for as long as it has without you telling her how rude she is. Personally, I would ask her exactly what she would like and if she can't specify, just give her a card and that's it. If she does tell you what she would like and then gives it back, don't buy anything for her again.

But none of this should be your problem anyway. This isn't your mother. It's not your job to buy her a gift, especially if she's ungrateful and rude about it. Just tell your DH that if he wants to get her a gift, he'll have to put the time, effort and thought into doing it himself.

5128gap · 09/12/2024 11:13

Tell your OH to 'work on' her Christmas present himself if he wants her to have one. Personally I think she's giving very clear signals she neither wants or needs anything you give to her, so if I were HIM I'd ask her whether she wanted to name something she did want or if she'd prefer nothing. If I were YOU I'd tell him it was no longer something I was prepared to 'work on'.

Aligirlbear · 09/12/2024 12:31

Either :

  1. buy something you would like so it's a win win when she gives it back

  2. Give a donation to the local Donkey sanctuary ( or what ever charity) in her name and give her the certificate

  3. Tell your DH it's his problem to sort !

JHound · 09/12/2024 12:39

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

I am always flabbergasted when husbands expect their wives to sort out their family’s gifts for him.
I would refuse. She sounds like a nightmare and she is not your mother. He can deal with his battle axe mother.

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 13:32

JHound · 09/12/2024 12:39

I am always flabbergasted when husbands expect their wives to sort out their family’s gifts for him.
I would refuse. She sounds like a nightmare and she is not your mother. He can deal with his battle axe mother.

Show quote history

I am always flabbergasted when posters quote the whole OP.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/12/2024 13:43

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 13:32

I am always flabbergasted when posters quote the whole OP.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

Bettysnow · 09/12/2024 14:26

A card with £20 in it and she can keep it or give it to charity. Any complaints and she should be told there's no point buying her anything as she doesn't accept it.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 09/12/2024 14:48

JohnTheRevelator · 09/12/2024 00:25

Sorry,but I couldn't get past the bit where you said 'She opens it and gives it back saying 'Oh no thank you,you can keep that'. What a rude woman!

I was stunned when i read that bit.

I can easily imagine the mortifying tableau.

JHound · 09/12/2024 15:12

Bettysnow · 09/12/2024 14:26

A card with £20 in it and she can keep it or give it to charity. Any complaints and she should be told there's no point buying her anything as she doesn't accept it.

Yep I was thinking that - cash or vouchers.

But really I would simply refuse to expend the emotional labour and tell my husband to do it.

GridlockonMain · 09/12/2024 15:18

Yes, she’s rude!

For some people, the gift of feeling misunderstood and hard done by is worth more than any item or experience could be. From now on, your husband should get her something nice but generic which requires little effort or thought on his part and accept that what he’s really giving her is the joy of being a Martyr, which is what she actually wants.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/12/2024 15:22

Get her a charity donation - goats or school equipment (to the value that you would give her) so that at least someone who genuinely wants and needs something is getting it.

She can hand back stuff but she is being rude doing that. If she doesn't want or need for anything, then she just doesn't want or need anything. You can't change that. You can change what you give her as a gift though so that someone who does want and need something gets it.

toucheee · 09/12/2024 15:24

Just get her something cheap:

long hot water bottle
silk scrunchie set
silk eye mask
Rituals body wash
Warm scarf

Don't kill yourself trying to be original, she needs something to open and discard. She is a weirdo.

BUT ideally you will tell DH to sort his own mum out, you are not his secretary.

Mandylovescandy · 09/12/2024 16:43

Your OH should not put it on you but I would buy something you would love to have and look forward to being able to keep/use it