To want to have all the siblings and grandkids together at Christmas

[Pansypath]

Dh is an only child. Both his parents are dead and there are no aunts and uncles that he is close to.

I have one sibling. My parents are alive.

My parents are v funny having us all over together for Christmas Day. They find it too much (six grandkids altogether) and say not enough seats at the table etc. No one stays the night - we are all based in the same region within an hour’s drive of each other.

My sibling would like to do alternate years with my parents and alternate years with their in laws. And determine this by the alternate year schedule they have with their ILs who also only want one of their children and family at a time.

That is, if I went along with it, the years I am allowed to spend Christmas with my parents would be determined, like a buying a house chain, by when my sibling’s SIL can go to her parents.

Anyhow I have said it’s fine to do alternate years - just let me know when you want my parents and we’ll make arrangements to be alone, but that my preference actually would be to all be at my parents on the years they want to see my parents. Why should my kids not see their GPs for Christmas based on someone else’s schedule?

It may seem like an obv solution would be for my or my sibling to host. But my parents want to be in their own house at Christmas.

Aaargh. I grew up thinking we’d all just squeeze into one house. Not like there are loads of us. Would be six adults and six kids all older than 7. Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

When my kids are older they are all welcome at mine with their partners and kids and if necessary we’ll have a buffet and sit on the floor.

Aibu?

Trestle tables, garden chairs and twelve people is my idea of a nightmare.

But you do you.

What do your parents want to do? You might like a manic squish every year, but that doesn't mean they do.

Maybe they want to go away somewhere in their own, but don't feel they can say so?

You need to find out what they would like to do.

Some people don't cope well or even enjoy being squashed in all together and why can't you see your parents Christmas eve on the year they spend Christmas day with your sibling?
Your parents seem to prefer this and it's their house so insisting on visiting because YOU prefer it is imo rude.

As people get older they find coping with more people harder and harder when we were young my parents hosted had both sets of grandparents uncles aunts etc ,but now by Mom is nearer 80 than 70 she prefers to see us in small numbers last time we were all there together was my DF funeral and then my sister and her family stayed in a hotel I would say now 2 overnight guests are the max and 4-6 for dinner. Not everyone likes large groups

It’s nothing to do with your sister, then. Other than which year you get to go. It’s your parents’ preference.

Come up with a plan- your parents come to you for Boxing Day or Christmas Eve on the year you don’t do Christmas Day.

I think alternating is fine but you need to be more proactive with your sibling and make it clear the schedule can’t be dictated by her partner’s parents and you want to be able to have some say as well.

Your parents clearly don’t want 12 guests crowded around a table and lots of noise, and it’s also time to ask them what they’d like.

You have very definite ideas of what you want but can't or won't host yourself.

The plan sounds perfectly sensible, and more to the point your parents aren't willing to host everyone (fair enough) so it won't happen. You need to wrap your head around it. Why not organise a meal out before Christmas.

Once the alternation is set by your sister, then it seems pretty straightforward. That said, your DSis should not be allowed to switch which Christmas she celebrates with your parents whenever she wishes. So, in situations where her ILs may need some flexibility/go away one year/host other relatives she should ideally spend that Christmas at her home rather than being able to switch with you. I think this is fair and should be buttoned down as she is not forced to spend Christmas at home like you. Some people obviously prefer to spend Christmas at home, but clearly neither of you do and this seems like the fairest agreement.

YABU for trying to force your parents to host everyone at once. You need to let this go.

I’ve had no anxiety all year but Squeezing In At Christmas has had me waking up panicking since dec 1st. I’ve only got my favourite people here this year, it’s not them.

It’s not having a single empty room to go in for a breather, feeling claustrophobic in rooms because people are squeezed in on chairs in front of doors, the bathroom ALWAYS having someone in it, the warmth of everyone’s bodies making it stuffy.

I am looking forward to Christmas but these are physical symptoms here. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

It does seem like you have definite ideas about what you want / don’t want. But no mention of you actually hosting so l struggle to take it that seriously

my preference actually would be to all be at my parents

But your parents don't want that.

I don't think this sounds that bad - I imagine lot of families have similar alternating set ups.

Trouble is you want something that all the other parties involved (your sibling and parents) don’t want. You can’t make them have some big squashed together Christmas if they don’t want it and they are not obliged to go along with it so you can have a day like on the TV!

Can you not just have a nice Christmas Day with your husband and children and see the rest of the family another time?

As for the notion that when your children are grown up you’re going to welcome half a dozen adults, maybe half a dozen or more kids and teens to all come and squish in and eat a buffet and sit on the floor - you haven’t reached your parents age and stage yet. You may very well find that idea, and all the cooking, cleaning, clearing up and hosting it entails, much less appealing in your sixties and seventies than you do now.

You can just see your parents every year and only see your sister's family on alternate years.

Why don't you have a party at your house on Boxing Day and your parents and your sister can come along to that? Then your parents can stay as long as they feel comfortable.

Being dictated which year you can and can’t do what is a right pain in the backside. We’ve had this from SIL. They decide in January which set of grandparents they want for Christmas Day and stuff us. We never get an invite (it would only be 3 more people and they do have the space). As a result we barely get to see PiL Christmas Day.

My family are very much the more the merrier, if it ends up with kids on a tiny table then that’s that. Although whilst my parents love as many people as possible, it takes a big toll on my mum who ends up overwhelmed and shouty. Hopefully in the next few years we will be in the position to host (not possible atm due to one elderly relative who can’t travel). Maybe I’ll offer to host at my mums next year and stick her in the lounge with a bottle of sherry.

If you parents can’t cope with everyone you’ll just have to respect it - or maybe offer to host yourself?

I hear you OP. I don't think YABU.

It’s not just about physically fitting in the house though. Too many people to host means noise, more cooking and expense, more tidying. It’s very full on for your parents. But if you hosted, why would they not come to you?

I for one would certainly would not want to 'have a buffet and sit on the floor' for xmas at my mother in laws!

I know it's not the point of the thread, but as a DIL it's what i've taken from it 😂

My own MIL loves to have everyone round at once (we do it just before xmas rather than on the day) and frankly it's a bloody bun fight. It's a bit of a grin and bare it annual event.

The concept is nice in theory (M + FIL, their 4 adult kids, the 4 spouses and all ..... gotta count them ..... 7 cousins) but the reality is that no one gets to talk to MIL at all much because she's fussing in the kitchen for 5 hours, FIL gets pissed as a fart and put on (a very niche type of) music too loud and everyone leaves with a headache because it's so hot and noisy.

Anyway in answer to the actual question - i echo what others are saying - it's up to your parents really. They've already said they don't want everyone at once haven't they?

I mean, this is just normal for us ...we'll be 23 on Xmas day (being hosted at ours this year) 😁 and will be 14 on boxing day. Total chaos and such fun!!

Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

Don’t confuse tv with real life. The sardines scenario is my idea of hell

I'd just ask your parents to try to be more flexible on either having Christmas at home or having more people. Could you otherwise do a Christmas breakfast all together? Or evening so less pressure for sit down meal?

If you want the big Christmas can’t you host?

You’re not unreasonable to feel disappointed that your family doesn’t share the same vision for Christmas as you. When my in laws host Christmas it’s a minimum of ten people. This year it is 16 (15 adults, two kids). They don’t have a massive living area but it’s summer here so we can sit outside as well. It’s good fun and we all make a dish (mostly at home the day before), minimise cleaning as much as possible with paper plates, foil baking trays etc.
Does your sibling never want to spend Christmas with you? If I was you I would host and enjoy the big family Christmas at your house.

MN is full of introverts so you won’t get a lot of support on here I’m afraid. I love a big family Christmas.

YANBU to want it. YWBVU to attempt to make it happen when you've been told nobody else wants it.