To want to have all the siblings and grandkids together at Christmas

[Pansypath]

Dh is an only child. Both his parents are dead and there are no aunts and uncles that he is close to.

I have one sibling. My parents are alive.

My parents are v funny having us all over together for Christmas Day. They find it too much (six grandkids altogether) and say not enough seats at the table etc. No one stays the night - we are all based in the same region within an hour’s drive of each other.

My sibling would like to do alternate years with my parents and alternate years with their in laws. And determine this by the alternate year schedule they have with their ILs who also only want one of their children and family at a time.

That is, if I went along with it, the years I am allowed to spend Christmas with my parents would be determined, like a buying a house chain, by when my sibling’s SIL can go to her parents.

Anyhow I have said it’s fine to do alternate years - just let me know when you want my parents and we’ll make arrangements to be alone, but that my preference actually would be to all be at my parents on the years they want to see my parents. Why should my kids not see their GPs for Christmas based on someone else’s schedule?

It may seem like an obv solution would be for my or my sibling to host. But my parents want to be in their own house at Christmas.

Aaargh. I grew up thinking we’d all just squeeze into one house. Not like there are loads of us. Would be six adults and six kids all older than 7. Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

When my kids are older they are all welcome at mine with their partners and kids and if necessary we’ll have a buffet and sit on the floor.

Aibu?

Mine too. Especially if I was the one hosting. I'd find it far too stressful and it would take any and all enjoyment out of Christmas for me.

Surely even a fervent extrovert understands that you shouldn't force people to host bigger events than they're happy with just to please you?

I’ve read more of the comments now and see there is a chorus of stressed people who think a big Christmas is hell. Ignore them is my advice 😂They’re probably the same people who won’t answer the door to a stranger and in an emergency wouldn’t have a single friend or acquaintance to pick their kids up from school.
The big family Christmas is actually less work for you! Unless there are unreasonable expectations from people about being waited on it massively reduces the workload.

Er, but the OP isn't hosting. She wants others to take on the stress. I'd love a big family Christmas but as no one owns a property big enough to facilitate it then it just can't happen.

OP can obviously ignore people's views here, but she can't ignore her PIL's views, unless she's planning on turning up uninvited.

Thing is this is real life,not an Asda,advert! Cooking for 10 sounds hard work. Fine if you can .but pil in their 70s can find it a bit much!

You can host and then you can choose.

I think it's pretty normal to alternate Christmas with DPs and In-laws. My DCs do it with their in-laws and they chat to each other to make sure we all get a chance to get together.

Most of this is your expectation and what you want OP but it doesn't seem to be what everyone else wants. You're going to have to challenge your own expectations here I think. Fair enough too if your parents feel all of you is too much at once. If that's what they feel then you should really honour that even if you don't feel the same.
Perhaps one year you could suggest you all get together somewhere else, rent a big old house somewhere or go away for a few days in a place that is big enough to accommodate you all. If there's no budget for that then wait til summer and have a party in the garden where you can all get together. There is always a compromise to be had and when you have family dynamics and opinions you need to be content and prepared to find a compromise otherwise you'll be feeling disappointed.

Same, I absolutely hate all being squished in.

Yes to waiting til you are grandparents ages! I’m always happy to go along with what ever my adult children/stepchildren/grandchildren want to do re coming here/there/everywhere. No set pattern just go with the flow BUT now I’m older, I’m secretly relieved when they decide to make short visits and not all at the same time!
However I’m hoping I’ll not get to the point where I don’t want to host at all.
My adult children are all extremely considerate and would instinctively know if it was all getting too much for me

I love having people round but don’t like cramming people in and causing everyone discomfort. I am not an introvert, I always answer the door and have a nice circle of friends.

I can understand wanting to all be together. But if your parents dont want to host, and won't come to you, it can't happen.

Can you suggest something less intense than them hosting a Christmas dinner, like you all get together to do presents and a game, before you head home. Or turn up after dinner for mince pies and watching a film.

6 adults, 4 young children and 2 dogs in a 2 bed terrace house is my idea of hell, particularly if everyone stays overnight.

You can't make people do what they don't want to, though. At least you get your parents for Christmas every other year. My MIL would love nothing more than all kids and grandkids together but since one sibling relocated abroad, it happens once in a blue moon. Maybe your parents will be persuaded to come to you in time when hosting gets too much.

Nobody seems to have read that the OP has said they would be happy to host everyone but their parents want to stay in their own house so refused! It does seem sad yes as our kids love getting together with all their cousins at Christmas and I’d want to see my own siblings. However, we rarely do this on actual Christmas Day with everyone having different plans. Could you perhaps host something in early December or even January where everyone comes to you and you have the big family celebration you have in mind?

Loads of posters telling OP she needs to host ignoring the bit in the OP that says she would but her parents have also said they only want to be at home.

YANBU to be disappointed OP. I would be if my parents refused to either host us all every few years or come to us with everyone as well. But sadly you can't do anything about it. You can't make them want it too and you can't make them host. It is sad though.

I can understand your frustration, but I can’t really see what you can do if others don’t want it. Maybe host a big family get together in a not Christmas Day? Birthday celebrations instead? I think sometimes there’s too much pressure on Christmas Day.

the OP said, they don’t like all the family there at the same time. So really she doesn’t have a leg to stand on, as the hosts don’t want to do it in the first place, regardless of siblings-in-law plans!

OMG only on MN is 12 immediate family members on Christmas Day insanely crowded and overwhelming. YANBU OP having your family together on Christmas is perfectly normal.

Once elderly parents can’t cope with hosting their own children and grandchildren then it’s time for hosting responsibilities to move to the next generation.

The solution surely is one year you are all together at either yours or your sibling’s house. Then the next year your sibling goes to their ILs and either you host your parents or they host you.

That isn't "the solution" though, is it, because OP's parents have been very clear that they don't want to spend Christmas away from their own home. People aren't chess pieces, you can't just move them around to suit yourself.

"Why should my kids not see their GPs for Christmas based on someone else’s schedule?"

I don't really get this - your parents don't want you there every year, so your kids aren't seeing their GPs for Christmas every year anyway?

That is, if I went along with it, the years I am allowed to spend Christmas with my parents would be determined, like a buying a house chain, by when my sibling’s SIL can go to her parents.

It doesn’t sound like it’s about when you’re ‘allowed’ to see your parents as much as when you’re actually invited, I think your family is trying to gently tell you to have your own Christmas with your DH and kids & let them do the same.

It may seem like an obv solution would be for my or my sibling to host. But my parents want to be in their own house at Christmas.

Do your parents want you to all descend on them for Christmas at all? It sounds like you’re really not taking the hint here that your parents don’t seem to enjoy these big busy Christmas ideas you have and would prefer a quiet day alone.

Is it just Christmas Day they want alone? Would they come to you Boxing Day?

Not everyone has enough space to comfortably seat 12 people for a big Christmas dinner, I wouldn’t enjoy having that many people in my house, it’d be claustrophobic.

The OP has said her parents don’t want to go to her, sounds like OP needs to take the hint to do her own thing and stop imposing on family who just want a quiet day.

The reality is that you cannot and should not volunteer others (in this case, your parents) to host a Christmas they are not happy with.

Since they're hosting, they decide what suits them and extend the invitation (to your or your sibling). You then get to either accept or decline depending on what suits you.

The good news is that, living fairly close by, even if Christmas day doesn't work out, you can either host/visit them on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day, both of which are just as much fun and less pressure imo than Christmas Day.

I think the awnser is for you to host something on Christmas eve, boxing day or new years and invite all the people you want to that.