To want to have all the siblings and grandkids together at Christmas

[Pansypath]

Dh is an only child. Both his parents are dead and there are no aunts and uncles that he is close to.

I have one sibling. My parents are alive.

My parents are v funny having us all over together for Christmas Day. They find it too much (six grandkids altogether) and say not enough seats at the table etc. No one stays the night - we are all based in the same region within an hour’s drive of each other.

My sibling would like to do alternate years with my parents and alternate years with their in laws. And determine this by the alternate year schedule they have with their ILs who also only want one of their children and family at a time.

That is, if I went along with it, the years I am allowed to spend Christmas with my parents would be determined, like a buying a house chain, by when my sibling’s SIL can go to her parents.

Anyhow I have said it’s fine to do alternate years - just let me know when you want my parents and we’ll make arrangements to be alone, but that my preference actually would be to all be at my parents on the years they want to see my parents. Why should my kids not see their GPs for Christmas based on someone else’s schedule?

It may seem like an obv solution would be for my or my sibling to host. But my parents want to be in their own house at Christmas.

Aaargh. I grew up thinking we’d all just squeeze into one house. Not like there are loads of us. Would be six adults and six kids all older than 7. Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

When my kids are older they are all welcome at mine with their partners and kids and if necessary we’ll have a buffet and sit on the floor.

Aibu?

I agree with you OP. If I've understood your post correctly, the kids will never spend Christmas day with their cousins, which is a bit crap for them. Have you discussed having your parents to yours and arranging for them to be driven home afterwards?

You can’t make them host you all if they don’t want to. You host a different party on a different day and invite everyone. I love all my family together , but people have lives and in-laws or cba with a sit down dinner for 14 on a trestle table. Your whole family party doesn’t need to be on Xmas day.

YANBU to "want" anything at all.

But YABU to think that other people should change the way they want to host, to suit you.
As so many others have said, many people find hosting that many people completely overwhelming. Not just older people. Lots of people would.

You have unreasonable expectations, particularly as you aren't even the one doing the hosting.

I am an introvert but there is no way my whole family wouldn’t be welcome at Christmas (bar serious illness, disability etc). We used to sit on the end of armchairs at my own Gran’s tiny bungalow. It also sucks to feel that what you do is determined by people who feel their plans are more important than yours! YANBU to feel disappointed.

It could be something totally daft like not enough matching crockery or wine glasses. Too much noise, kids squeeling and shrieking.

Maybe too late for this year but would all of you going out for Xmas lunch work?

No I think the OP could invite their sibling plus family on the year they’re not with their in laws if that’s really important.

This is a good point I think

You've got rose tinted glasses on.

We always have a big Christmas and it's a fucking nightmare.

My nan loves it. All her children and grandchildren, meanwhile the house is too hot there's no where to sit, family politics and people talking out of their arseholes like they're the fountain of knowledge, kids complaining, presents getting mixed up because there's nowhere to put them out of the way, so much noise, tears from at least one person and not necessarily a child, performative gratitude, something getting broken, either feeling like you're not helping and you're being judged or helping and being in the way, someone is always in the bathroom every goddamn time you're busting, kids/men piss on the seat or around the toilet and/or don't flush, guests outstanding their welcome, feeling like you want to pull your hair out and stand atop a large hill with a megaphone and scream into it, and being too knackered to enjoy the day.

I'm sure this isn't a unique experience in our house. Perhaps your parents are just as sick at the thought as I am?

I get what you’re saying. I think you’re going to have to speak to your sister and parents and say that you are sad that your children won’t see each other on the alternate years and you’ll never get to spend time with your sister.. I’d say that you think it better if YOU host Xmas on those years and you will pick up your parents if need be. You might have to be firm and not go to your parents if they don’t agree.

You might have to be firm and not go to your parents if they don’t agree.

The parents don’t agree, and they appear to be fine with, indeed encouraging, the OP and her family not going to their house every Christmas, so not sure what “firmness” here is trying to solve.

I agree, I think the OPs parents will be delighted to be left to have a quiet Christmas Day, they don’t want a stressful noisy houseful of guests and that’s totally up to them.

I mean she and her sister might have to be firm about not going to the parents and having Christmas at her house instead - to which the parents are invited to but they’d have to leave their house. It sounds like the only way they’ll have a big family Xmas. Her parents might even like not having to cook etc if they tried it. But it might mean the parents have Christmas alone at first too.

I think it sounds like this is what the parents want anyway, they don’t want everyone at their house and they don’t want to go anywhere - they’re asking (around the houses) to have a quiet Christmas on their own.

Why not invite everyone to yours for Boxing Day?

I personally find it really odd that they don't want to be all together - my parents just love it when everyone is able to get together. I wonder why they would not be willing to come to you, seems unusual. I don't think you are unreasonable.

She mentions hosting herself but says that her parents only want Christmas in their own house.

Maybe your parents are done hosting but won’t come out and say it.

They don’t want you all together, they don’t want to leave their home. Maybe they want peace.

Maybe you should just Im hosting. Everyone is invited. Come or don’t.

Also don’t expect that your sister wants the same Christmas as you either. My children would love to not have their cousins there on the times we do Christmas with grandparents it’s the cousins that make them not want to go.

Yes, OP clearly addresses this issue.

To that end, I agree with the posters who've suggested speaking to Dsis about doing Christmas together at one of your houses. It's fair enough for the parents not to want everyone at theirs at once, but they don't then get to specify that it has to happen there. It's one or the other. And who knows, maybe DPs will be ok with it sometimes?

Aaargh. I grew up thinking we’d all just squeeze into one house. Not like there are loads of us. Would be six adults and six kids all older than 7. Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

Walton's Mountain and Droitwich are 2 very different places...
Everyone on TV/in films (esp USA) only eat mashed potato. They never spill a drink when they are passing tureens full of veg to each other and it's 'chaotic' until everyone has a full plate.
(Obvs, I am using Droitwich as an e.g. - I have no idea where you live!)

@Pansypath as a grandmother in my relatively early 60s, my heart says 'I want the whole family here at the same time' but my head says 'don't be so ridiculous, there's no way you can manage all that and it won't be fun at all'.

Perhaps your parents feel the same way?

When you host, you can dictate!
I have adult dc, and a teen, and an elderly parent,and a grandchild.
It's lovely for them when they all come. For me it's 3 day at the domestic coalface.
Invite everyone go yours.

I'm with you OP but people are weird

Or how about suggesting you book to go out? Then everyone gets a proper chair and all that. Your parents might be more inclined to leave their home if they knew they could go back to it and have a rest in peace and quiet afterwards 😀

I’m with you, I have a tiny family and was always jealous of my friends who would have big family Christmas days. However I think the idea people have given previously that you and your sibling say that you’re all having Christmas at yours or their house and you parents are welcome to come.

What did you mum say when you said you were sad you wouldn’t get to see each other on Christmas?

I’m a bit confused with what your suggestion is. You can’t have 3 families together at once because your parents refuse not because your sibling want to alternate with his in laws.
If your parents don’t want all of you for Xmas day - it’s not possible.
If your parents don’t want to go to you on Xmas day - it’s not possible. If your parents want you and your sibling to go to them on a different days - you go on a different days if you want to see them, if you don’t want to see them you don’t go at all.

Do your parents want to see only one of you for the WHOLE Christmas period and won’t accept one coming on 25th and the other coming on 27th? Is that why you are upset about possibility of children not seeing grandparents on alternate years?