To want to have all the siblings and grandkids together at Christmas

[Pansypath]

Dh is an only child. Both his parents are dead and there are no aunts and uncles that he is close to.

I have one sibling. My parents are alive.

My parents are v funny having us all over together for Christmas Day. They find it too much (six grandkids altogether) and say not enough seats at the table etc. No one stays the night - we are all based in the same region within an hour’s drive of each other.

My sibling would like to do alternate years with my parents and alternate years with their in laws. And determine this by the alternate year schedule they have with their ILs who also only want one of their children and family at a time.

That is, if I went along with it, the years I am allowed to spend Christmas with my parents would be determined, like a buying a house chain, by when my sibling’s SIL can go to her parents.

Anyhow I have said it’s fine to do alternate years - just let me know when you want my parents and we’ll make arrangements to be alone, but that my preference actually would be to all be at my parents on the years they want to see my parents. Why should my kids not see their GPs for Christmas based on someone else’s schedule?

It may seem like an obv solution would be for my or my sibling to host. But my parents want to be in their own house at Christmas.

Aaargh. I grew up thinking we’d all just squeeze into one house. Not like there are loads of us. Would be six adults and six kids all older than 7. Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

When my kids are older they are all welcome at mine with their partners and kids and if necessary we’ll have a buffet and sit on the floor.

Aibu?

Why not invite everyone round to yours on one of the days between Christmas a New Year ?
Your dc spend time with their cousins.
Easier to squeeze more people in with a buffet than a 'proper' Christmas dinner
Can arrange it for when your sister is home from her in-laws
Much less pressure than Christmas day.

People either love or loathe the type of Christmases where you cram in together on trestle tables etc

They are as entitled to their wishes as you are yours.

we have 26 for Christmas. Squished in. Several trestle tables. Lots of noise. I love it. SIL pops in for an hour. That’s her max. She has a quiet Christmas for two and she loves that.

I hear you OP! I’d love a Christmas like you describe too. So would DP. We are both one of three siblings. When we bought our house it was with the plan of being able to host big family gatherings. What are we doing for Christmas this year? Going to friends again! 😆 Siblings all want to just be in their ‘little bubble’ for Christmas (or live abroad in one case) Parents on both sides want to be at home (and want us to travel - again) so we’re spending it with lovely friends who also have family members with rigid ideas of what they will/won’t do! When we were younger, grandparents travelled to us yet both sets of parents here refuse! Despite being fit, healthy, perfectly adequate drivers etc. 8 households. 8 separate Christmases! How miserable! 🙁

They’re miserable for not conforming to what you think is a nice Christmas…?

Trestle tables, garden chairs and squeezing up is my idea of hell. Sounds like everyone in your family but you agrees with this, so you need to come to a compromise.

How is it crap for them? I've never spent a Christmas with any of my cousins. Neither did my husband growing up. In fact the overwhelming majority of people I knew growing up just spent Christmas with just their immediate family. I have wonderful memories of Christmas growing up.

People are entitled to spend Christmas as they see fit. Small family Christmas's are no less magical or enjoyable than a large family one. Not everyone wants to be crammed in like sardines, eating buffet food on the floor or cooking for the 5000. Some people just like a quiet Christmas with immediate family or a small gathering after a busy Christmas season. It doesn't make them miserable or crap, and it's incredibly narrow minded to think the only way to enjoy Christmas is for it to be a large one.

You want a different type of Christmas to your parents - that’s the real issue, not your sister’s in-laws schedule.

Just set a new tradition. On the years your sister is going to your parents, invite them over for Christmas evening to stay over. You can all squish in at your house (minus your parents).

You cannot all have it your own ways, so make a new compromise you’re happy with.

My parents are v funny having us all over together for Christmas Day. They find it too much

This is the only bit that matters seeing as they are the hosts. This isn't just about you.

This is exactly what we do in my house. I'm one of 4. Two is is have children, we all have partners, plus my grandparents. There can be 15 people for my mum to host. That's a lot

You seem to want to dictate what your parents are doing, they're the hosts, it's up to them.

I can't see yiur issue. I hosted for 30 years.

You can go to your mum's every other year and do Christmas with your unit the alternate one.

This year DH and I will be apart because our mothers are so frail. Children are grown up and with their partners.

Christmas is about family and respecting it. I think you need to give yourself a talking to and get on with it.

My XMIL was like you OP. She loved nothing better than everyone “squishing in” and utter chaos. I absolutely hate it. It makes my anxiety sky rocket.

Your parents don’t want your version of Christmas. You may well find that as adults, your own DC don’t want that kind of Christmas either.

I hope you have a wonderful time, but you can’t dictate to anyone else.

The alternative year Christmas thing is pretty common and in my experience way less stressful than trying to squeeze in both sides of the family on the same day. My sister's husband's parents started a three year cycle with their many sons - one with family, one with in-laws and one free. As we are all far flung it works really well - for us it means we travel once every three years and stay local the other two.

Would your sibling like to have Christmas with everyone together / you and your family? If so I'd agree with them that on their year to be with your side of the family they're coming to your house - your parents can then decide whether they join or spend it on their own. I wouldn't let your parents dictate that you never get to have Christmas with your sibling and niblings because they don't want to either host everyone or go to someone else's house.

Of course if your sibling and their family wouldn't actually like to spend Xmas with you and your family you'll just have to accept it and focus on creating the Christmas you want with your family.

Yes. In my opinion! I’m not impolite enough to voice this to them. I invite them every year and when they decline I make other plans. I don’t comment further. However, I think it’s ok to share my opinion on a forum that asks people for their opinions.

Crikey ok. Other kids like to hang out with other kids. It can make it more exciting. Christmas at my grandparents would have been boring without my cousin. That's all, ok?

You’re entitled to your opinion, but it’s a bit rude to call them miserable simply because they don’t like what you do. They are different - not miserable.