To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

[MumofMiniDivas]

My husband comes from a much wealthier background than I do. His family takes five holidays a year, went to private schools, and bought each kid a large London property when they turned 25. I went to grammar school, had 1–2 holidays a year, and while my parents helped with a deposit, they didn’t buy me a house outright (and yes I am aware that this is actually quite a privileged position, I am by no means poor but just explaining the contrast).

DH works for the family business, which his mum technically owns but doesn’t really run anymore—she’s basically retired, travels a lot, and leaves it to DH and his siblings. His sisters help out part-time when it suits them (since they’re looking after young kids), but DH and his brother run it full-time.

He’s super careful about what he says to his mum—she’s “always right,” and he avoids any conflict with her. Apparently, that’s just how it’s always been. Part of me thinks it’s also because they’re all a bit financially dependent on her. If she ever cut them out of the will or the business, their lifestyle would take a big hit.

I work part-time and take care of our daughters, who are 4 and 1, and I’m pregnant with our son. Even if I worked full-time, what I’d earn wouldn’t compare to what DH makes or receives from his family. He covers all the main expenses, and my salary is just for personal things like clothes, dinners with friends, or trips to the hairdresser. At home, DH is lovely: he’s hands-on with the kids, helps with chores, and is super thoughtful when it’s just us.

The issue is his mum. She makes comments that aren’t directly rude but feel like digs. For example, she buys our daughters designer clothes and says things like, “Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,” while I’m standing there in my Zara jumper.

At a family gathering, when people joked about my daughter becoming a vet because she loves animals, MIL said, “That’s such a messy job. Do women even enjoy working? It’s just something you do for money. She’ll have everything she needs—no need to work, especially not a messy job.”

She can also be condescending. When she was talking about her travel plans, she mentioned going to a fancy restaurant with my SIL and added, “I suppose you’ve never been there?” When I said I had, she replied, “Oh, who took you there?”

DH doesn’t really address it, saying it’s just how she is, and bringing it up would cause a big falling out. He tells me to rise above it and not take it personally, but honestly, it’s hard not to when the comments feel so pointed.

Grey rock. She sounds like such a terrible snob that nothing will shift her superficial value system, so I wouldn't even waste emotion on it.

Hahaha my local shop is Aldi!!!

My sister has a great approach to people like this: ‘Just be like the queen - smile and wave. Smile and wave’.

You heavily rely on her so unless you want to upset that balance you’ll have to treat her pointed digs like bon mots. What she thinks of you is nothing to do with you and therefore not relevant. Just take her words at face value, don’t try to impress her, and forget her as soon as you leave the room. She wants a reaction. Don’t give it to her.

tickets to exclusive / expensive events (only for him or children, without me

That is really nasty. Does he pull her up on that?

What's her own relationship with her MIL like?

Who started the business? Did she ever play an active role in growing it?

You know she'd be critical if you spent her son's money on designer clothes - there is no pleasing that woman.

Does your husband own any shares in the business? I'm worried he doesn't have any security at all.

Totally this. My MiL used to bait me with bitchy comments. My DH family was totally emeshed in a similar mindset way to what you describe. His parents tried to merge our finances and accommodation but thankfully we didn’t as my family are the total opposite. everywhere we moved was suddenly where they had always wanted to live. In the end my DH sought some counselling advice. We now totally grey rock and for years gave his Mum a bitch rating for her comments on the way home. It worked a treat. Really left her comments with her and one day we realised we had got home without discussing it! She doesn’t bother much any more as I guess she doesn’t get what she used to get from saying those things.
the thought of living in the set up you’ve got makes me feel all itchy on the inside but hopefully his family isn’t as abusive as my DH’s are. He was slapped and punched as a child by his mother until he was old enough to physically stop her.

She sounds appalling. And your husband works for her? I'd be terrified.
If it were me I'd just make it clear to my husband that minimal contact is required, due to her quite frankly, snobbish behaviour.
Girls should always wear designer clothes? Or what? They won't find a husband who resembled Mohamed 'al' Fayed?
Honestly I couldn't imagine being married to someone who wanted to be employed by their mother who was a classist snob and sexist cow from hell.

YANBU to feel hurt.
You would be very, very foolish to show your hurt in any way - unless you are prepared to give up your current lifestyle.
It is very possible DH would fail to take your side over hers - so if you try to 'fight back' in any way you risk losing DH and becoming a single parent.

Don't fight her, don't answer back with smart comments. Just say nothing, swallow your pride, and change the subject.

Or - give your DH an ultimatum and be prepared to leave him and live alone.

There is not a lot you can do when your lifestyle is so obviously dependent on her financial largesse - she who pays the piper calls the tune. So you either get a thicker skin or continue to seethe - I don't think there is any other option, unless your DH is prepared to fully cut the financial apron strings.

@Shinyandnew1 I didn't marry him for the wealth, in fact for the first year there wasn't really much indication of how rich his family is. I met him when we were both young, at uni, he didn't say a huge amount about family, he flat shared (because he wanted "the uni experience"), yes he dressed well but could in theory be wearing what he wore if he was from a well off family but not crazy rich. Afterwards, even when there were clues as to the fact his family has money in the form of me seeing his family house etc, it wasn't spent on "us" as such (which is and was fine, I married him so clearly wasn't bothered) - we didn't go to particularly expensive restaurants, our holidays were 50/50 and very much on a modest budget.

Even now, it's been made clear that the money isn't to be spent on me. The engagement ring is nothing fancy (probably worth less than an average item of clothing in his wardrobe), for the brief period when I was a SAHM and why I went back to work it was made clear to DH that if I'm not working he's not to pay for any of my clothes / products / give me money for seeing friends etc. So yes my children's clothes are paid for, I live in a nice house but if my aim was to be with someone for the financial benefits then really DH is not the choice to go for!

She sounds exhausting. But….you are in a very fortunate position, it looks like you have a lovely husband and you are both have a great relationship… i would just ignore and try to avoid as much as possible and continue having a life you have

So your husband is an arsehole as well as a drip? What’s in it for you?

Your eldest is 4, and presumably lined up for Granny’s choice of private school? You’d best decide now if this is something you can live with for the next 14 years (minimum) before that happens.

Find one of those articles featuring an old money type talking about how they love to buy high street (to mix with designer, obviously) and leave it on the coffee table.

This has changed my views a little to be honest to what i have posted right before your update.

how it was “made clear to your DH” money is not to be spent on you?

i guess he earns and the money he gets is between you two to decide how to be spent. Does he share his money with you? Is he tight?

BlastedPimples

Except she's a cow.

I would value someone who is kind and who doesn't need to make bitchy comments all the time far far more than someone who was wealthy.

You've just called another women a cow and you value someone who is kind and doesn't need to make bitchy comments eh?

That’s such a messy job. Do women even enjoy working? It’s just something you do for money. She’ll have everything she needs—no need to work, especially not a messy job.

What does she think of midwives I wonder? I'm asking for a friend, obviously, not sat here on a massive high on my lunch break, after a FANTASTIC but particularly bodily-fluids-heavy birth 😁

She sounds like a cow OP. I'd avoid her as much as possible, or give very neutral, factual responses, and enjoy spending her money 🤷🏼‍♀️

made clear the money isn’t to be spent on you?

What the fuck? I would bin him for going along with that. And I would go back to work full time. He will fuck you over in a divorce as he has no assets—all belong to mummy.

That's not an impression I have been left with tbh.

MIL has the whole family by the short and curlies. I would say it's best not to rock the boat in general - though if she starts to make decisions re the children that you don't agree with @MumofMiniDivas, that would be the hill I was prepared to die on.

Your DH is used to this. It's what he's been brought up like, and hopefully for your sake he isn't like this to you. It would be very difficult for him to stand up to her, because she has all the power and the control. I just feel that you are in a bit of a precarious position. She will happily treat your DH and your children while leaving you out. You're just the brood mare for the next generation in her eyes, even if you aren't the breed she would have chosen for her son.

Tread carefully. Your DH needs to be making provision for you. He should be paying pension contributions for a start to give you some financial security in the future.

You need to develop a thicker skin. Grey rock as much as possible. Spend as little time as you can in her company. Point out that even the Princess of Wales mixes high street with high end!! Use little phrases like, "do you think so?" and don't get involved in any of her shitty 'debates'. She's just not a nice person.

Unless he's prepared to get a different job, there's not much you can do - as others have said, the tinkly laugh is probably the best thing.

You will be around, OP, long after she’s gone. She’s the Old School and you’re the New. You ultimately matter more than her, so let her squeak and try not to let it hurt you. I think it does you great credit that you feel hurt rather than disparaging or agressive, it implies you want love rather than status. I don’t know if she’s affectionate to you at all, or if you are affectionate to her. She’s a product of her training, and may not have any self awareness or ability to think outside her box. Is she an ice queen or would she melt if you were tender to her this Christmas? It could well be that trying to crack her shell would be an even more disappointing interaction for you.

She often says people need to be put in their place from time to time, "in life you're either pushing others around or get pushed around".

There you go then. Why don't you put her in her place? Op you have two options here, address it with her and make clear to her your boundaries or, accept that this is your life.
Otherwise you'll spend your life being irritated every time you're around her and wishing you could say something.

If you want to say something, say it.

I disagree @adriftinadenofvipers - unless I’ve misunderstood the last post, she was a SAHM looking after their children and he refused access to money because mummy told him so. Financial abuse IMO

I despise wealthy people who look down on cleaners/gardeners/restaurant staff and feel the need to 'put them in their place'.

I hope you are banking your money.
Your husband sounds like a child and a scared mummy's boy.

I would avoid his mother like the plague, and I would avoid your husband too.

What business is it of his mothers what he spends his salary on?
Not allowed to spend it on you?

Sorry OP but you are a bit messed up yourself if you think this is in any way normal.

Rather than let her irritate you, become amused by how much she's trying to annoy you and just nod and smile over enthusiastically and say of course and leave it at that. Absolutely don't give her any rise from her comments, as itl annoy her more to get no reaction.