To feel let down by friends

[Octonautstotherescue]

DH left. He was violent so it was a relief. Now on own and very lonely. When friends aware it started off with texts of how awful and hope you’re ok but this it has turned to silence. Am I being unreasonable to have wanted more support? They all knew him - wondering if they are actually taking his side.

Are you waiting for a flood of “are you ok?” texts? Are you contacting them? It might be worth messaging and saying what you want - to talk/company/distraction/whatever.

Perhaps seek out specialist DV support so that you can have input from someone who understands what you’ve been through.

How long ago did H leave?

I think it's s a case of life moving on for them. The initial 'drama' is over and they just aren't thinking to check on you.

Are you messaging them? Are they actually ignoring you?

I just naively thought they might do more…come round or phone or just check up on me. I think I’d have done that.

specialist DV support?? Honestly there is none.

How long ago are we talking?

Tbh I'd expect the initial flurry of texts to die down fairly soon. Only so many times you can ask someone whether they're okay before it turns into an empty exercise, and it can be that people feel awkward around these kind of situations.

If they're otherwise good friends and you're close, I'd take the initiative and message suggesting a catch up

Yes lovely to think that I’m just a “drama” and friends for over 20 years can just “move on”

I lost two close friends who were very sympathetic to my ex, despite how nasty he was to me and his lying and cheating that went on. I stopped seeing them in the end, after they were so judgemental of me and made me feel like a failure for having the courage to leave. I have new friends, lovely friends. You don’t need them, move on.

How have you responded to the messages? Do you often meet up for coffee/nights out, meet at each others houses?

Have you asked them to? They may well feel that your crisis is past, as your violent DH is gone. It’s possible they think you’re relieved and happy more than lonely.

There will be trauma-experienced therapists.

Some arsehole responses on here, how about a bit of empathy? I'm sorry for what you've been through OP and sorry that your friends aren't stepping up

YANBU to feel hurt to not receive the amount of emotional support and community you would give/think is right for the situation.

however it seems people are really busy these days so perhaps being specific to some of your closer ones and organising meet ups.

also they can’t be your full emotional support so if not already counselling would be good, so when you’re with them you can start forming new experiences rather than talking about the past.

I’m glad you’re safe OP, what an ordeal you must have gone through. Sometimes people aren’t great at knowing how to offer support so you have to let them know what you need, what about suggesting a catch up soon? Take care of yourself OP.

Adult friendships can be tricky. In one of my friend groups 3 out of 4 of us have had what id call major challenges this year, another has had a low level but long term health issue. We want to be there for each other, and are as much as possible, but sometimes your own life and immediate family takes a higher priority. It might be something similar or they may just not know what you need and assume you need space or time to heal. Sometimes people stay away because they don't know what to say. Not excuses BUT if they're good friends reach out and ask for what you need. Invite them round for coffee or ask them out for drinks, I appreciate you want them to make the first move but sometimes as adults we just have to say what we need, others can't always read between the lines.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, and appreciate the healing journey can be challenging so stay strong and definitely do reach out to people.

Thanks I was beginning to think I was the problem! I’ve given a lot of time and effort and sympathetic ear to these friends over the years. It’s sad to see when you’ve been there for them they can’t be there for you. It’s almost like I’ve become persona non grata because I’ve had “issues”

I'm really sorry OP. I'm glad you're out.

The truth is everyone has their own lives and things that will take priority over you and your breakup. I'm not saying that to be mean, but it's just the way things are. It's not necessarily wrong of them either, it's human and a given that their own lives will and should take priority (I.e their kids, their families, their jobs etc). And people get tired, and need to rest, so even free time can be taken up by that.

It's amazing you got out. Please stay out of course. The police are probably better to ring than your friends if your ex starts bothering you.

Thanks ☺️ I’m trying my best on self care.
i would feel awkward now to invite them round now that they’ve been so distant.

Yes, you often need to be explicit about what you need from others.

Oh the police did get him out. It wasn’t straightforward. But sad that you’ve got to rely on them before your friends
and also sad that I just don’t feature in their lives anymore.

But it’s less ‘inviting them’ in a hostessy way than just saying ‘I’m lonely — could you come over tomorrow?’

Why? That would feel demanding. I would just like what I would do - turn up, help out and listen.

It might feel awkward but do it anyway - it’ll just get more awkward as time goes by, and you really need the support. I reckon things would be a lot better in person. Often messaging just leads itself to misunderstandings and prolonged silence, that wouldn’t happen in person.

I know what you mean, I am the sort of person who would just turn up - however I’ve learnt that the majority of people won’t, and you really need to make it clear what you need.