To feel let down by friends

[Octonautstotherescue]

DH left. He was violent so it was a relief. Now on own and very lonely. When friends aware it started off with texts of how awful and hope you’re ok but this it has turned to silence. Am I being unreasonable to have wanted more support? They all knew him - wondering if they are actually taking his side.

I am wondering if they are giving you a bit of space, perhaps you could try a simple message asking if anyone is free to meet up soon for coffee and catch-up, and go from there: if no response they were fair-weather friends, sadly, but at least you will know

im at the stage if I did ask for a “walk” or “coffee” they’d have an excuse or run a mile and maybe I need to woman-up and just get on with things without anyone.

How on earth do you know that they'd have an excuse or run a mile? You haven't asked. You're writing them off completely simply because they haven't turned up out of the blue, which is something no friend I've ever had has done, and I have lots of decent mates. There is honestly zero shame or awkwardness in messaging someone to ask them for a "walk" or "coffee", and even if they were busy, it'd not necessarily an excuse or a sign the friendship is meaningless. I think you sound very down, which is understandable after what you've been through, but you'll only get worse stewing on it and overthinking. You don't need to woman-up and get on without anyone. You just need to send a few messages checking in and making arrangements to meet up. Not dropping hints or setting tests to prove to yourself that your friends are all terrible and against you.

That's not the case

A dear friend lost her husband. She and the rest of us have relatively busy lives (we;re older so no small children)

A group of us are in constant communication by WhatsApp. We meet once a week where possible. And it's all sorts of chat, not about her situation specifically
We get together with our husbands (at her agreement/suggestion) from time to time as we always used to.
She is very clear about what she needs so we can respond where and when we can.

There is no 'just turning up' and wasn't from the start. But we are still incredibly close

I was going to sughest this - meet up to do something cheerful (fake it til you make it) and just enjoy being with people. Then it might come up in conversation - if not this time, next time you meet.

It sounds like you're at a stage where you can be receptive to a whole bunch of great new people entering your life, which is a good thing from the sounds of it since your old friends have been a bit crap. It's just thinking about where you can find people who have similar interests to you that's the hard part.

Have you looked at meetup or eventbrite for things local to you? Or maybe some volunteer opportunity sites that suit your interests?

It's totally normal to share problems with friends once they're established ones, especially if they're sharing with you and it's reciprocal, in the meantime the counselling stuff should see you through. It could also be worth reaching out to your old closest friend and explicitly explain you're struggling and a chat would mean a lot to you.

You're adjusting to a lot, OP. Everything has shifted for you and it takes time to process. You do seem to be reacting angrily to posters on here and seeing a hidden, offensive meaning to what people are saying. That's probably learned behaviour from experiencing violence in a relationship.

Well done for getting out. It's the start of the rest of your life and i wish you the very best. Sometimes people don't react in ways that we would- I'd be a 'turn up and pitch in' person like you but some of my friends would see that as overstepping and would worry about getting in the way. So, if you can, it's worth being clear and asking your friends for what you need.

You have been so brave to get away from that horrible excuse of a human who hurt you and I think the pain from your trauma is so deep that everything outside of your suffering looks very confusing right now. You are misreading peoples comments here as an attack on you.

No one here thinks you need to drag "your sorry ass" and get out there. But like I said so many people are going through stuff that sadly people do move on after other people's trauma and you do have to reach out to be remembered. It's sadly part of life. As i said in my post earlier, I burried my baby twin sons this time last year and hardly anyone bar family mentions them much. People just keep going forward. Please don't see people's responses here as criticism. You have two choices here: keep things as they are and stay angry and miserable. Or get onto your friends, see what the story is. You've nothing to lose.

Sometimes group messages don't get a response as everyone waits to see who will jump in. I would try one person at a time. Suggest a specific plan for meeting up.

I agree “just turn up” people are rare these days. A thing of novels and tv shows, mostly.

Sometimes seen in the “How do I gently get rid of this friend” threads 😆

No I was very careful not to mention it so not to worry them or be a burden.

Thanks for all your replies. I won’t take up any more time of your time and will sign off now. Enjoy your Sunday.

Keep posting OP. You, understandably, are obviously suffering with very low mood. Have you seen your GP?

Nobody here is trying to make you feel worse, just offering different perspectives and possible insights as to how your friends may feel. I hope that things improve for you over the coming weeks and months

Please stay OP. You won't always get the answer you're looking for but people can empathise. You've made good progress in leaving this guy. There is a better future ahead even if it doesn't look like it now. You can vent here if there's no outlet for it IRL

But have you asked? Or are you just assuming?

No, that’s not what was said. The overall consensus is that you have to communicate your needs to others, and not be afraid to ask for help/time.

You’re angry, I get it, but your tendency to be obdurate is not going to help you come to terms with your situation, either past or present.

I think it can be difficult to know how people want to be supported

I have friends who want to be comforted and want their sadness acknowledged, but other friends whose strategy is to hunker down, power through on their own. And, their needs can change, depending how they feel at the time

I doubt they're "taking his side" - I hope not, especially if we're talking about women. No - I guess they are just getting on with their lives, especially at this time of year.
Hope you can make new friends as well - maybe thru mn.

It’s a pity OP that people on this thread could help you to understand the situation better but you completely misunderstood all posts and refused to explain in details what’s going on. Not that you owed any of us answers to our questions but it’s you who started this thread and asked for an advice.

@Octonautstotherescue Take care OP 💐

Sorry for what you've been through. I think people have their own busy lives, and if you have managed to get on with moving forward, they might think you are ok or some people's don't like asking/prying about relationships. I even had my mum tell me (after massive deceit by ExH) that she'd pretend I hadn't mentioned anything if w stayed together - I think people divorces are quite jarring for a lot of people as it makes them question their own lives.

Perhaps move on from the ones who have not been helpful, but continue to talk to those who gave been.

Im sorry you feel let down. I'd reach out and try to arrange meet ups or people to come around. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. Tbh December is crazy schedule on our house.

Life isn't like a rom com or show where friends seem to have unlimited free time to nurse you through trauma, grief, breakups etc. It's a bit like princes in disney films, real life feels like a letdown in comparison
People are busy, having the odd text check in is the most I expect or just being around with a nice message if I reach out. And when it's the other way around, I know I don't have time to be available too much.

If they don't know the extent of what you've been through they are even less likely to psychically know the extent of the support you now need.