To feel let down by friends

[Octonautstotherescue]

DH left. He was violent so it was a relief. Now on own and very lonely. When friends aware it started off with texts of how awful and hope you’re ok but this it has turned to silence. Am I being unreasonable to have wanted more support? They all knew him - wondering if they are actually taking his side.

Completely normal. People are busy in their own lives and haven’t got capacity to engage with your stuff for more than a brief period. Time moves on much quicker for them, and leaves you in an empty abyss.

It’s the same with bereavement - loads of messages and offers of help between the death and the funeral, they all turn up for the service and food, at the wake they talk about meeting, keeping in touch, plenty of hugs, then you never hear again (until the next funeral).

I tried reaching out and being specific with the help that would be really helpful. I just got rejection back “oh I’d love to but … have you tried….” <insert useless suggestion that doesn’t involve any effort on their part>.

People are just crap at this stuff. And it hurts when you’re the sort of person who would put themselves out regardless and go the extra mile.

Hold anyone that “gets it” close, and for the rest, well, I’m afraid any reciprocation on my part may well be limited to the occasional thumbs op on social media.

I’m edging towards maybe I need to just do things myself and not ask for help if people are so unreliable.

I don’t think I’ve ever just turned up somewhere. But if a friend says ‘shall we go for a walk’ or a coffee I’m there in a shot. Try that? Or suggest a film something joyful that you want to see or do? So they are company for you?

well done you for getting rid of that nasty man. Your life is ahead of you and will be brighter for sure x

It’s not demanding. It’s communicating your needs clearly to close friends who love you but are clearly not understanding what you need from them at the moment. People are different. Personally I prefer being left alone to lick my wounds, but I appreciate not everyone does. You have an idea what you’d do if a friend were in your position, but that might not be what she would want at all.

My experience with various crises is peole are really actively caring and concerned for about six weeks and then it suddenly all goes quiet from almost everyone. It's happened to me a few times, so I've decided it must be some kind of innate timescale. My point is, it's not you.

I am really glad you are out of it and safe. DV and abusive relationships mess with your sense of yourself. It's quite likely that your ex isolated you from friendships without knowing. It will take time to recover and rebuild yourself.

People often don't know what to say. Their experience of your partner was probably very different to your - charming, likeable. They may find it hard to believe, or they may feel guilty that they didn't notice, and you are bearing the brunt of that.

I’m sorry that you have been/are going through such a difficult time OP. I think people are helpful and kind in the immediate aftermath but after a while it fades away because people are so caught up in their own lives or sometimes they don’t know what support or help you need. Have you asked to meet up for a catch up? Be it a coffee or a walk or something else.
In my area there are a couple of groups for women who have been in similar situations and I think that it a good way to find support from people who understand and to forge new friendships alongside the older ones.

im at the stage if I did ask for a “walk” or “coffee” they’d have an excuse or run a mile and maybe I need to woman-up and just get on with things without anyone.

Where are these groups??? There’s literally nothing out there

Hi, sorry for what you’ve been through.

I had a bit of a crash down to earth with friends recently and became very aware that most people are journeying through their own life.

I’ve had to reframe my friendships to not feel so let down and accept that modern life with kids, work, so many commitments means well intentioned friends don’t always translate into being there for you.

is there a network of women who have been through similar things you can tap into?

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.bit must be very isolating for you particularly when you're not the guilty party, if that's the right term. You would think your friends would be more understanding, especially as it takes time to heal from such a trauma.

Are these friendships that you socialised with as couples? I found that on divorce a lot of people disappeared from my life. Single female is an awkward dynamic for some people. Add in DV and some would run for the hills as it's beyond their capability or understanding. Some people just want an easy life.

Also the level of support you would give someone in this situation can be very different to what they would think to give. It's disappointing but people can be very self focused. Not everyone is a giver or thoughtful to others like you.

Are you able to access some therapy or counselling @Octonautstotherescue ? Citizens Advice can point you in the right direction. It sounds like you need someone to talk to, to process what's happened to you so you can begin to heal.

In my area they run at local community centres.
I am sure there must be some online options too?

No this is it unfortunately. What a fool I’ve been! Investing in a man who didn’t love me and friends who didn’t give a monkeys 🙈

Octo you sound very down today. Why not try and text them to meet up this week. Be specific. Give it a go. Don’t plan to ‘offload’ on them - do something that brings you joy and distraction - meet for a Xmas film, some mulled wine or whatever.

Oh I’m well practiced in not “offloading” it’s not the done thing around someone who is violent towards you.

Not everyone likes people to just turn up though. Lots feel they need an invite to visit someone. Half of mumsnet don't even answer the door if they're not expecting anyone! So try asking some of them round. Be specific, with a date and a time. Don't expect them to do something, just because it's what you would do.

Have you called these friends for a chat at any point or have you expected them to come to you?

I have a relative having a difficult who I’m more than happy to support but I also have a lot going on with my own family and work. I’d always answer if she called but don’t necessarily think to pick up the phone. She expects everyone to come to her rather than being proactive in getting the support she wants.

Not much help but huge sympathy OP. It does seem to me that apart from isolating the partner from friends, when the break up happens other couples often give a wide berth. It sits at odds with all the supposed concern people feign about DV, but I do think it happens. It seems very old fashioned.

Hi op, what @Lemons1571 says covers my experience too, there with a "hope youre ok" when in crisis, but back away rapidly if it's too much. It was a shock, as I thought more highly of some.

This is hard earned wisdom unfortunately, I found new friends (very surprisingly for me!) and help from unexpected quarters.

In our area we've got quite a few DV charities and charity shops, and also ones linked to shelters, you are absolutely not alone in your experience. At a pinch I'd see if there are online support groups, or ones linked with thongs like the freedom programme? That will put you on touch with more people who get it.

A quote from Alice in Wonderland helped me reframe my relationships from before life hit the skids-
I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

OP you don’t know this - honestly, don’t think the worst here and isolate yourself. Your friends may not know what to do. Just message ‘Hi X, it would be really nice to see you soon and catch up. Would you be free on X?’ I can sense that perhaps you are someone who struggles to reach out and ask for help, which can become a vicious cycle of those around you don’t know you’re struggling.

Ah so I’m some kind of miss havisham?

People react differently to break ups. One of my friends went to ground and became a hermit for a while - she said she'd get in touch when she was able to and she did, several months later. Another seemed to have a peaceful, amicable break up but when I checked her new address it all flooded out and I felt terrible for not supporting her more. Your friends maybe seeing your reactions and imagining your feelings to be different from how they actually are.

Are you waiting for them to get in touch? This is the perfect time of year to suggest meeting for a drink, or a phone/video chat.

How long has it been OP?
Have you been sending messages to your friends or waiting for them to do it?
Before your ex left, what was the usual way for messaging, meeting up etc?
Did you see each other in person regularly?

You seem to think they aren't interested, but if you haven't been in touch either, maybe you should take the first step and see if anyone wants a coffee. Or whatever your meet ups used to be.

If they ignore you, you at least know.
If they have been giving you some space, they might be glad to hear from you.

You can guess all the different reasons why, but you won't know if you don't try.

Op, seriously. I think anytime anyone offers advice you are being very angry and reacting heavily. Ive been also affected by this. Lost my twins at birth last year and people were great initially and then it tapered off. It was particularly hard since it was Christmas and everyone was celebrating while we were burrying my babies. I did have to reach out to people and I'm glad I did. A lot of ppl won't just turn up, they don't want to intrude or feel like a burden. You said if you texted they would run a mile. Has this happened?

Thanks
I’m having counselling. There’s only so much they can do though.