AIBU or are all MIL’s intolerable?

[SunnyPinkMouse]

I’ll be honest, I simply cannot stand my MIL. I find it so hard to be in her company. I think she is the most miserable person I have ever met. Even her own daughter said the same. She’s just such a negative person and no matter what you say, she has a negative outlook.
What annoys me the most is that she is a poor role model for my other half. She doesn’t encourage him, inspire him, or even out right suggest/advise him. She just lets him drift and now I have to take on this man who whilst I love dearly, is lazy and totally lacks motivation for anything in life. I’m the opposite and I am finding it hard recently to not let him or her rub off on me.
I don’t know if it should make a difference but they are Italian and I am not. My other half was born in England but very much an Italian.

is lazy and totally lacks motivation for anything in life

Why are you blaming his mother? Does he have a father? And it was your choice 'to take him on'.

YAB SOOOOO U for blaming his mother for his shortcomings.

My MIL is intolerable for different reasons. She interferes in our relationship, stirs shit, and snaps at me when DH’s back is turned. Sick of her now.

Why does your MIL being annoying mean they all are?

now I have to take on this man who whilst I love dearly, is lazy and totally lacks motivation for anything in life

Who put a gun to your head?

Probably won't be long until you can't stand your husband either.

Also this.

I mean, my MIL is a toxic person - "annoying" would be a colossal understatement - but I do acknowledge that decent MILs exist!

You didn't have to take on an absolute pathetic excuse of a man. You picked badly and are now blaming another woman for your poor choice.

Do you have children?

My MIL is a wonderful woman and your sweeping statement is ridiculous.

1. You are not being unreasonable for disliking your mil. You can't help how you feel about someone and we can't all be everyone's cup of tea. Mostly people are negative because they have had crap life experiences. Few people because they have actual personality disorders.

1. You are being unreasonable to an extent for blaming her for your partner's lack of motivation. He is presumably a grown man and should be able to stop himself from "drifting".

You will NEVER change either of them. You have two choices. You either dig deeper into their personalities and see if you can gain some understanding as to why they are the way they are and decide if there are enough good traits to overlook the bad. Or you cut your losses and move on. You and your partner have different values and motivations- only you can know if you can live with that. But you can't hope he'll change or stay with him for the man you think he can become. You'll be doing yourself and him a great disservice.

P.s. my MIL is an absolute doll. I love her dearly.

You don't have to 'take on' anything or anyone, OP. You know there are problems in your relationship, so don't get deeper into this.

And no, not all MiLs are intolerable. Many, many women who happen to be MiLs (or DiLs) are absolutely lovely, and giving, and generous of spirit; but tend not to be posted about, or to post, on MN.

Why on earth is it your MIL's problem to stop her presumably adult son from drifting?

And why would you be with someone that is lazy and lacks motivation? You "have to take him on" - why? Were you awarded custody?

Get out now and stop judging an entire nationality on the basis of one example.

First rule of misogyny - women are to blame for what men do. 🙄

Have you ever bothered to ask her why she’s miserable?

I really don't think your MIL is to blame for her son being lazy and lacking in motivation, that'll be his personality.

You aren't suited, so just move on, with the added benefit you get shot or your MIL.

Also stop being ageist, sexist and racist. No all Mils aren't awful, no Southern Europeans aren't any lazier than anyone else. People are individuals, on the basis of this post I'm not sure you're a stellar model yourself.

So you married someone you’re incompatible with and that’s his mother’s fault? Does he have a father?

Read your other thread. You have problems. Don't blame his mother.

No they aren’t all awful, I adore my MIL. I really lucked out. She’s always been the most loving, kind, fun and supportive presence.

I’m sorry yours is such a misery. It’s the luck of the draw sadly. But I agree with PP that focusing on blaming her for your partner being hopeless is avoidant.

YABU.
My own late MIL was a really delightful person.
Not all MILs are like yours.

And all Dils are angels? I think not

I do think some mil's are unfairly maligned, some of my exes had lovely wonderful mothers and I still speak to one and I stopped dating her son over 20 years ago! However, my MIL is a pain in the backside and I no longer speak to her (so many reasons, not enough time to list).

Yours sounds dreadful. However, your husband sounds like a bum and as an adult he makes choices and his choice is to be a lazy bum. That's on him.

That MIL is also a mother to her DD and your DH. By extension does that mean all DMs are intolerable.

If your DH is useless that is down to him

Where is his dad in all this?

Maybe she's miserable because she spent so long raising lazy, drifting, unmotivated son 😅.

Honestly though I get it, one of the main things that really made me resent my ex husband was that his mother was such a witch and he never had the spine to stand up to her, even as she commented on my weight, appearance anything she could while I was pregnant, she is also horrible to my ex BIL, ex hubby was the golden child.

Current partner is estranged from his parents, he is also lazy when it comes to housework etc but I don't blame his parents for it, I 100% blame him 😂 I've just accepted that everyone has flaws and I need to decide what I can live with and what I can't, and I can live with doing laundry and dishes.

So much in your post is unreasonable I can't be arsed to spell it out but yeah YABU.

Are you married or thinking of marrying this man? If it's the latter then take a giant step back!
I really can't see why you're blaming his DM for his shortcomings. Surely she's not the only influence in his life. You might actually be describing the similarities between them.

You’re being ridiculous- no one made you “take on” this lazy mummy’s boy, you chose to marry him and make a life with him. You have free will and so does he- he can choose to sort himself out and be better and he hasn’t.

as an aside, my exMIL was and is a cunt. Racist, homophobic and stupid. Really stupid. My current MIL is wonderful. We disagree sometimes. MIL are people. Like all people some will be twats and some won’t.

That poor man
Needs a woman to sort him out
His mother hasn't
He needs external motivation
By you
Mummy 2

Just make sure you keep him well fed and watered.. there's no need to also fuck the patriarchy

Please don't breed with him. Ever.