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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or are all MIL’s intolerable?

98 replies

SunnyPinkMouse · 07/12/2024 23:35

I’ll be honest, I simply cannot stand my MIL. I find it so hard to be in her company. I think she is the most miserable person I have ever met. Even her own daughter said the same. She’s just such a negative person and no matter what you say, she has a negative outlook.
What annoys me the most is that she is a poor role model for my other half. She doesn’t encourage him, inspire him, or even out right suggest/advise him. She just lets him drift and now I have to take on this man who whilst I love dearly, is lazy and totally lacks motivation for anything in life. I’m the opposite and I am finding it hard recently to not let him or her rub off on me.
I don’t know if it should make a difference but they are Italian and I am not. My other half was born in England but very much an Italian.

OP posts:
everychildmatters · 07/12/2024 23:51

My ex-husband's MIL was evil and totally off her tree...bit like my ex!!
My now MIL is lovely and I am very grateful to her for bringing up her son so well ❤️

captainPugwashh · 07/12/2024 23:55

No. Mine is incredible

AnotherEmma · 07/12/2024 23:56

I hope you're not still TTC with this man, OP.

HellofromJohnCraven · 07/12/2024 23:57

My mil was adorable. Taught me loads, like how to value your kids equally.

Sanguinello · 07/12/2024 23:58

My mum's awful but MIL was lovely

TallNeckedGiraffe · 07/12/2024 23:59

Please don't breed with him. Ever.

Too late. She has. And inflicted him on her older child from a previous relationship.
But it’s all his mother’s fault 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
SunnyPinkMouse · 08/12/2024 00:01

@PureBoggin good advice. People give up so easy these days but I don’t want to give up. I think you’re right, I think trying to understand why they both are the way they are and then accepting them as they are will help me

OP posts:
Tortielady · 08/12/2024 00:50

My husband hit it off with his MiL as soon as he met her, which would be forty years ago now. Mine, may her memory be a blessing was harder work and one reason I say that was her assumption that women are in some way responsible for adult men. I made it very clear to him first, but also to her, that I was not going to raise Mummy's Little Diddums. He accepted it very happily as he didn't (and still doesn't) want that sort of relationship. It took her longer to come to terms with it and I'm not sure she ever really did. My DM however, praised my boundary-setting and says she wishes she'd taken a similar line with my Dad (and his DM!)

Pallisers · 08/12/2024 00:57

You pick a pretty crap partner - and then blame it on his mother.

Seriously? That is your choice.

I love my MIL and all of my sisters in law do too (family of brothers). She is great. That doesn't make my marriage work though - that we are compatible, match in values, are decent human beings, love each other - that makes our marriage work.

Stop expecting your MIL to suddenly change and change your lazy partner at the same time. Ridiculous.

JingleB · 08/12/2024 01:03

So his father had no part in raising this lazy-arsed bloke and it is all his mother’s fault?

Can you hear yourself?

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 08/12/2024 01:05

No. My MIL is absolutely amazing, I really enjoy her company and she is great fun, a very wise woman and very generous indeed with her love and affections.

but you can't have her, she's mine 😂

DancingOctopus · 08/12/2024 01:14

Mine was wonderful.

Meadowfinch · 08/12/2024 01:24

YABU. I've had two mils. The first was a nasty interfering witch. The second was as kind as any human I have ever met.

Peanutssuck · 08/12/2024 01:31

I am an awful MIL and I freely admit it. However my DIL is 100 times worse. I often wish that the OPs of these MIL bashing threads looked at themselves first

Pinkpurpletulips · 08/12/2024 01:39

You say OH so I presume you're not married. Why do you have to take on a mama's boy? If she was guiding, inspiring and advising, bearing in mind he's a grown man with a partner, you'd be complaining about that too. I think it might be best to consider whether you are compatible.

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/12/2024 02:29

Mine is lovely

Edingril · 08/12/2024 02:31

You take have to 'take him on' he is not a puppy

And no not all MIL are the same just because you hate yours

Ans if you already did not already know just because someone has an issue with someone does not make the whole world the same

caringcarer · 08/12/2024 02:40

Not all MiL's are bad. I love my MiL. She doesn't have any daughters just sons. She has always been very kind to me and I reciprocate. I invited her to come to choose my wedding dress with me and she was so happy she cried and told me she never thought she'd get to do that because she had sons. My DH says she loves me more than him.

CrispieCake · 08/12/2024 03:28

The MIL-DIL relationship is a really weird dynamic. You're forced into this odd relationship with another woman which often involves sharing personal space and infringing on each other's routines. And it's not as if you've chosen to be close, this is just by virtue of being in a relationship with their child. And men often don't help the situation by being incredibly lazy.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't mind my MIL - she's not someone I'd necessarily choose to have a close relationship with but she's a thoroughly decent person and she loves my DC, so all in all she's fine by me. She's been staying lately and it's thrown up a few tensions just by virtue of the fact that we do things differently and have different priorities and routines. For example, my DH occasionally takes the kids to stay with his parents for a few days during half-terms/holidays, and it's become apparent that he entirely abdicates parenting and parenting decisions to MIL while in their house, while FIL is on entertainment duty. So when we're both around, things like whether the DC can have a second ice-cream or whether they've eaten enough food to leave the table or whether they can have TV become a bit tricky, because MIL and I are both used to making decisions for the kids and sometimes we think differently on various issues and it's a bit awkward. I don't blame my MIL though, I just try to go with the flow. Ultimately, she works hard and so do I and she has her own ways of doing things and so do I, so mutual tolerance and accepting that occasionally we're going to grate on each other is the best way forward.

Monty27 · 08/12/2024 03:33

@SunnyPinkMouse there's always the door. Use it and take your negativity with you.

GridlockonMain · 08/12/2024 04:55

Your partner is a grown man. It’s not his mother’s job to inspire, guide or advise him and if he’s lazy and directionless it’s his own fault / responsibility. Don’t you see that it’s unfair for you to love him dearly while holding her entirely responsible for the failings you don’t like in him?

Not sure what you’re insinuating re her being Italian, what would that have to do with anything?

I’m not disputing that she may be miserable and difficult to be around, some people obviously are. But you should start holding your partner accountable for his own issues instead of deflecting blame onto her.

(And no, it’s not all MILs! Mine is a wonderful woman and I love her very dearly).

AnOldCynic · 08/12/2024 05:13

YABU. You've ignored the fact you've partnered up with a useless man and are trying to blame his mother rather than admit you made a mistake.

SaagAloopa · 08/12/2024 06:09

How many MILS have you had that you can generalise like that?

Squirrelsnut · 08/12/2024 06:10

Pandasnacks · 07/12/2024 23:39

Why does your MIL being annoying mean they all are?

This.

Porcuporpoise · 08/12/2024 06:13

That's right OP - every woman becomes intolerable the moment her children marry.