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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay together after an affair?

96 replies

svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 19:51

Hello,
I’m a first-time poster with three children under 4, so I am tired - please be gentle with me! Also apologies because english isn’t my first language (although I have lived in the UK for a while)
I’m 29, married to DH, 43. (I know, age gap)
We have 3DC, twins age 1 and a son age 3. We’ve been together since I was 25. I led on the relationship, and we have been happy together
However, earlier this year my DH slept with another woman, while away travelling for work.
I was obviously upset at the time, but we love each other and we have been clear we would stay together. However, reading on threads here, and sometimes speaking to people in real life, some women seem to say - ‘LTB’. As if it’s so easy and simple.
I really don’t want to break up my marriage. Does (especially women older than me) anyone have stories about moving through infidelity?

OP posts:
Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 19:53

Sorry, my screen was glitching.
For context:
My DH is quite wealthy, and I have been considered as a silly younger trophy wife. I’m a model (amongst some other freelance work in his profession). So people in his /now our circle have implied I married him for money - this isn’t true but it feels like it complicates things somehow… please be patient because I have not had much sleep recently:)

OP posts:
exhaustedpigeon101 · 07/12/2024 19:56

I think a lot of people will say 'LTB'

But, if you can work it out, you trust him, and you have the correct steps in place then it can work. I think that sometimes relationships go through such turmoil that it happens. I'm not saying it's right, at all, but it does happen. If you are happy, and you don't think it will happen again, then it doesn't matter what anyone else says.

I hope someone who has been through this can offer more advice.

RobertaFirmino · 07/12/2024 19:58

There is nothing positive I can say here. A future of paranoia and bitterness awaits. Seeing as though you do not want to LTB, the only advice I can give you is to make sure your contraception is watertight as you'd be an absolute fool to have any more children with this man.I
I'm sorry I haven't got anything better to tell you but you deserve honesty. Don't forget that.

parietal · 07/12/2024 19:59

Plenty of people stay in a marriage after infidelity or have an open marriage and that can work.

Don't leave in a hurry but do build your independence (separate savings account he can't access, get a job once the kids are big enough). So that if in 5 years you find you do need to leave, you are able to.

BestMammyEver · 07/12/2024 20:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:01

exhaustedpigeon101 · 07/12/2024 19:56

I think a lot of people will say 'LTB'

But, if you can work it out, you trust him, and you have the correct steps in place then it can work. I think that sometimes relationships go through such turmoil that it happens. I'm not saying it's right, at all, but it does happen. If you are happy, and you don't think it will happen again, then it doesn't matter what anyone else says.

I hope someone who has been through this can offer more advice.

Thank you, that is my sense too - that sometimes relationships might go through ups and downs. However, because I am young-er at 29, I am aware I have less life perspective / experience etc. That’s why I would really value other women’s thoughts.
A lot of my friends who are my age are not even in relationships, let alone children, so it’s harder for them to understand.

OP posts:
ElatedShark · 07/12/2024 20:02

No offense but can you actually afford to leave? With 3 kids under 5??
In a country where you say you have a poor grasp of the language?

I wouldn't listen to older (often) bitter women who may be jealous of your lifestyle.
You said you forgave him already move on from it or seek marriage counselling

silentpool · 07/12/2024 20:03

I would build your independence and then leave when it suits you. Some people do stay after an affair but you will never really trust him again.

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:04

parietal · 07/12/2024 19:59

Plenty of people stay in a marriage after infidelity or have an open marriage and that can work.

Don't leave in a hurry but do build your independence (separate savings account he can't access, get a job once the kids are big enough). So that if in 5 years you find you do need to leave, you are able to.

Yes - I think in the future I will need to build more independence, even if just for myself. The other issue is that I am trying to build more of a career in a profession where he is very established (not modelling/ fashion), and people will reject me / turn me down because of me being his wife :( it’s quite tricky as most of my opportunities so far have been through him trying to help

OP posts:
Thinkonmadam · 07/12/2024 20:08

How did you find out he had cheated? If he ‘confessed’ then he’s either an idiot or a narcissist who is testing the waters to see what he can get away with.

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I found out because he did tell me. I know he loves me ; he had a very significant love-life before me, but changed his lifestyle hugely when he was ready to settle down with me. He is naturally a bit flirtatious and he is very charming, but (as he points out) he is middle-aged and overweight now - he’s very handsome but not exactly in his ‘salad days’ any more!

OP posts:
Verydemure · 07/12/2024 20:11

Op- do you still like your husband? Does he treat you well? What is your relationship like otherwise?

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:13

ElatedShark · 07/12/2024 20:02

No offense but can you actually afford to leave? With 3 kids under 5??
In a country where you say you have a poor grasp of the language?

I wouldn't listen to older (often) bitter women who may be jealous of your lifestyle.
You said you forgave him already move on from it or seek marriage counselling

I think we are going to pursue some counselling. He has suggested it.
I’m not exactly blaming myself, but I will say that I really pulled away from him after we had children. I’m more introverted and I’ve just really been nesting and wanting to be with our little ones. He’s struggled more with the transition, but also I haven’t really made an effort. Or maybe I’m being hard on myself? I can’t tell.

OP posts:
Verydemure · 07/12/2024 20:13

Why did he tell you? Was it because you caught him out? Or do you think he could be saying this to upset you?

I ask this because he should be full or remorse right now and working hard to make the relationship work

Julia34 · 07/12/2024 20:16

I will never stay together with cheater even If I had 20 kids to look after I will.leave him. I leave my daughter dad years ago when he cheat on me. I was not think even second about it. Prefer to be single mom.that doing stuff for cheaters and sleep in the same bed with him

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:17

Verydemure · 07/12/2024 20:11

Op- do you still like your husband? Does he treat you well? What is your relationship like otherwise?

I realise I haven’t been very positive in this thread!
I really love my DH. I’ve never felt more happy, safe, fulfilled than with him.
I pursued the relationship when he thought he was a bit old for me.
We have very strong shared interests as well as both wanting to start a family at the same time as well.
He’s given me an amazing lifestyle, which I’ve tried to keep in perspective / keep seperate from the way I feel about him
For context if it’s relevant at all. In my modelling days, I was a survivor of sexual harrassment and violence. My DH was so incredibly kind, gentle, sensitive with me and made me feel whole again. (I also did work on myself in that time).
But this has made me feel a bit vulnerable again I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:21

Verydemure · 07/12/2024 20:13

Why did he tell you? Was it because you caught him out? Or do you think he could be saying this to upset you?

I ask this because he should be full or remorse right now and working hard to make the relationship work

He told me because he felt terrible. He has been full of regret and he is trying to work to support me.

I’m not always the best at expressing my emotions in person, which is why I also wanted to come here; it kind of helps me to practice a bit.
I don’t think I want an open relationship - not that he has suggested this, but he’s done it in the past.
I think I find it strange maybe knowing that he has had a whole past life before me - e.g. when I meet previous girlfriends of his. I’ve never really liked that, but I try to not be jealous. They’re nice about him.

OP posts:
Brainded · 07/12/2024 20:22

svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:11

I found out because he did tell me. I know he loves me ; he had a very significant love-life before me, but changed his lifestyle hugely when he was ready to settle down with me. He is naturally a bit flirtatious and he is very charming, but (as he points out) he is middle-aged and overweight now - he’s very handsome but not exactly in his ‘salad days’ any more!

Show quote history

You’ve been together for four years and you have 3 year old…@svenskalondon I hate to say this but it hardly seems like it was a decision to settle down by him and if ot was then that decision was made very fast no? Or did he just decide to “settle” because you fell pregnant quite quickly?

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:23

ElatedShark · 07/12/2024 20:02

No offense but can you actually afford to leave? With 3 kids under 5??
In a country where you say you have a poor grasp of the language?

I wouldn't listen to older (often) bitter women who may be jealous of your lifestyle.
You said you forgave him already move on from it or seek marriage counselling

Well, yes - even if I really wanted to, it would be a massive life change. I don’t currently really earn any money, and it’s not exactly straightforward to go back into modelling, and I’m trying to move on from this as well

OP posts:
Tiredandneedtogotobed · 07/12/2024 20:33

I think counselling would be a good idea. It’s common for women to pay more attention to their babies …because they are babies and not fully grown adult men. This is perfectly natural.

he is old enough to know better tbh and if he was feeling “neglected” he should have spoken to you.

My worry from what you have written would be:
a) he is feeling older and fatter and so needs assurance from women to make him feel good about himself / this could mean he could stray again in future
b) he didn’t talk to you when he had a problem - he slept with someone else.

i think if he is willing to work through these issues and figure out the whys then there could be a chance?

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 20:34

Dear OP if you can feel happy and trust him again in your marriage then that’s really all that matters. Yes, people do stay together after infidelity. Many don’t but some do.
Be kind to yourself.xx

username299 · 07/12/2024 20:34

Firstly it depends why he cheated and whether it was a one off. Second, if you think you can move past it and third if he's willing to put the work in to rectify the marriage.

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:35

Brainded · 07/12/2024 20:22

You’ve been together for four years and you have 3 year old…@svenskalondon I hate to say this but it hardly seems like it was a decision to settle down by him and if ot was then that decision was made very fast no? Or did he just decide to “settle” because you fell pregnant quite quickly?

Show quote history

that’s also my mistake for mistyping!
we actually first started seeing each other very casually, not exclusively at all, when I was 23 and he was 37. I did get pregnant quite quickly after we properly got together, but we did know that both of us wanted children. Since he was already around 40 then, we both felt we would rather go ahead, even through it was quite soon in. He was very much guided by me and would have supported me either way. however, looking back, I can see that it was a big and quite rapid life change for both of us; him going from a globetrotting bachelor life, me going from being a young woman to being a mother of three.
I wouldn’t change it, but yes it would have been easier and simpler if it had all been neatly and perfectly planned, and we’d both been in our early 30s!
That’s why I’m finding it somewhat hard to discuss in my personal life, as my friends haven’t been in a similar life situation.

OP posts:
SoManyTshirts · 07/12/2024 20:35

As an older woman, I’m aware of couples where an affair has been discovered (or even declared, in one case), forgiven, and the marriage is happy decades later.

Not my stories to tell, so I won’t go into details.

Hayley1256 · 07/12/2024 20:39

I think only you know if you canv get through it. Do you trust him? Will you bring it up in future arguments? Are you only staying with him now because of the lifestyle he offers you? If he goes on a night out or business trip will you be worried he's cheating? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

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