To stay together after an affair?

[svenskalondon]

Hello,
I’m a first-time poster with three children under 4, so I am tired - please be gentle with me! Also apologies because english isn’t my first language (although I have lived in the UK for a while)
I’m 29, married to DH, 43. (I know, age gap)
We have 3DC, twins age 1 and a son age 3. We’ve been together since I was 25. I led on the relationship, and we have been happy together
However, earlier this year my DH slept with another woman, while away travelling for work.
I was obviously upset at the time, but we love each other and we have been clear we would stay together. However, reading on threads here, and sometimes speaking to people in real life, some women seem to say - ‘LTB’. As if it’s so easy and simple.
I really don’t want to break up my marriage. Does (especially women older than me) anyone have stories about moving through infidelity?

As someone older than you, with children (but def not bitter or jealous 😂), I would say LTB. He will have to give you a decent amount of money in the divorce settlement and you’re young enough to start again.

I also married young and have now been married for almost 20 years. Trust is absolutely key and I could never cheat on him, nor would he cheat on me. If he ever did though, the trust would be broken and I would rather be alone than with someone who could do that to me. Don’t you also deserve someone who wouldn’t look elsewhere whenever he feels bored or horny?

So many circumstances to consider. Some will say LTB straightaway, because they did and things worked our great. But then I worry that it tends to be the women who left their unfaithful partners and moved on to a better life - often meeting a lovely guy who is delighted to step into a step-parent role for her children - who are more likely to share their stories, skewing experiences somewhat.

You also get the 'I'd never stay with a cheater,' often from people who have never been cheated on as a SAHM bringing up little ones. Some of them are likely thinking complacently to themselves, 'it could never happen to me anyway, though', and might change their tune if it did!

Well-meaning people will also see your situation through the prism of their situation and tell you that he will cheat again and/or you will always feel bitter/lack trust - but you are not them and your spouse is not the same as their spouse. Some cheaters are once a cheater always a cheater types, but many aren't.

Best thing for you and your children is to bide your time, and don't rush into any life-changing decisions. Hope for the best but plan for the worst: build yourself up, think about taking up work/study again as soon you are able to increase your independence and if he offers to put some money aside for you because he feels bad TAKE IT! and then invest it in your name. You are not earning but are working hard bringing up your shared children.

All the very best OP whatever you decide!

Are you referring to me?

What makes you think I am bitter and jealous of OP?

Infidelity is nothing to be envied, plus I have my own money. I was definitely bitter when I stayed with the cheater but that was over 20 years ago and I have since married a smashing fella. I wouldn't wish those feelings of paranoia and anger on anybody, it is one of the loneliest places in the world and that's why I left. You are far more alone with an untrustworthy man than you are as a single woman.

Can I suggest you check out the surviving infidelity forum.

You can recover from the affair but it will take a lot of work - from both of you.

Was this a once off and is the woman still in his life?

This is a very dear older friends story, I have her permission to share.

Her husband cheated when her children were under 5. He confessed. They had faith based counselling (both individually and together) somewhat unusual at the time but it was the one thing she insisted on. He felt like he had "lost himself" in the changes from single bloke to married dad. They rebuilt their relationship, had another child, and she trusted him again.

She loved him. He was a hands-on father in an age where that was unusual. He didn't smoke, gamble, or drink heavily. She was financially dependent on him. Separation/divorce was looked down on. She also thought that she'd not find anyone else/anyone better.

Within 5 years he did it again. He blamed stress from the death of both his parents in a short period of time. She still stayed. They did counselling again. He agreed to some changes such as moving closer to her family, no overnights apart. They rebuilt their relationship, she tried to trust him, but doubt lingered - she felt paranoid over any missing time/overtime, found herself constantly on edge looking for any signs of an affair. It would calm down for a few months then her anxiety would flair up again. She ended up on antidepressants/anxiety meds, which among other side effects, killed her sex drive and made it basically impossible for her to orgasm. She did go back to work, and she started saving - called it her car fund. She felt trapped by circumstances, that leaving would be difficult and she'd be breaking up the family.

When all their kids were teenagers, one of them was seriously ill, in and out of hospital and my friend would often be away overnight. He cheated again, and this time the other woman was pregnant and keeping it. Blamed the stress of the sick child and the lack of attention and affection from my friend. Wanted to be an involved father to the affair baby.

This time she left, using the 'car fund' savings.
And only when she and her kids were safely away, did she find out from each of the kids separately that they had been emotionally blackmailed, threatened, and otherwise used as a verbal punching bag by her ex to hide his cheating. One of her kids barely speaks to her now, and blames her for not protecting the kids by leaving the arsehole earlier. She also discovered that friends and family all knew him to have a wandering eye, and wandering hands.

She's quite outspoken that she wishes she'd left the first time it happened, or at the very least set herself up with an exit plan before the second time. Not so much for her own sake, even though her confidence and self esteem have taken quite a battering, but for her kids.

Sorry this isn't the positive story you were wanting to read.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
When someone shows you how little they care about you, pay attention.
What you allow will continue.

If you do stay, decide on your hard boundaries now - any of which if crossed is the end of the relationship, no if and or buts.

And sort out a serious exit plan - have money in your name he can't access, figure out what you would need to do to move out or kick him out, how much you would need in savings, which solicitor you would need, have copies or originals of important documents stored safely for you and your children.

Sorry, OP, but if you want people to be brutally honest, I don’t think this marriage is going to work out for you.

The facts don’t reflect well on him – he’s an older guy who had something casual with a young 20-something, then who got pregnant unplanned. The whole of your short relationship has been child rearing and then 3yrs in, barely anytime at all, and he’s banging someone else – when he has three babies no less.

This isn’t the picture of a marriage that survives infidelity – and they are exceedingly rare at that.

If he is messing with your mental health he is not the love of your life.

Thank you for your thoughts.
I think part of it also is that (as I mentioned above) I’ve been going on a bit of a journey to try reconnect with my body and myself, after modelling / sexual harassment/ sexual objectification / pregnancy / miscarriage.
Actually he has been a big support throughout this. He is the only person I’ve been able to speak to about my sexual harassment experiences.
I think i’ve shut off a lot of intimacy - not just sexual. I think i just am trying to be patient with myself (especially with small children) and I am going to try to be more open and involve him more. He always tries to talk to me more about feelings and so on and I have a tendency to be a bit more introverted, with everyone.

Absolutely depressing as fuck that women can be a 29 year old model and their fuckwit faithless H's will still cheat

And when you have 3 tiny kids as well. He is an absolute wanker

Leave and don't look back. You're too good for him x

You were in a casual relationship, that became more serious, and you became pregnant. You weren't properly together very long before your oldest child was born. Now you have twins that are a year old. Your husband has a younger, beautiful wife and 3 children, yet cheated. Before you had children, your focus was solely on your husband. He was the centre of your life. Now, your focus is on your children, as it should be. The problem is, your husband wants your attention to be more on him, than the children. Of course he wants to hire a nanny, because then, you will be focusing on him more and not the children. You have a man that has a rather fragile ego, who requires validation from you that he's the most important person in your life. Your focus was on your very young children, he wasn't getting the validation from you he needs, so he went elsewhere for it. Unfortunately, unless he seeks counselling for the reasons why he cheated, and why he feels he needs to be your sole focus, then in my opinion, he will cheat again. He's been used to the single life; within a very short space of time, his entire life has changed. Absolutely agree to having him transfer money to a bank account, that's solely in your own name. You need to make sure that if you need to leave in the future, that you have money of your own.

Sorry but this response made me giggle 😂

Was going to suggest the same!

Bloody charming! Just because older women have more experience than you, it doesn't make them bitter or jealous, anymore than it makes you an idiot. What a misogynistic, nasty thing to say.

OP, personally I couldn't stay with a cheat, I know I'd be paranoid about it happening again and i dont want to spend my life policing someone, but i know people have and gone on to be happy (and i say that from experience, not hypothetical). I don't believe you should let your choice be influenced by outsiders painting you as a gold digger, it doesn't matter what they think, they dont have to, Iive your life. What has he suggested in terms of fixing things? What would you need from him?

I wouldn’t necessarily leave however, at some point in the future I would expect him to trade me in for a younger model again. I mean it takes a certain type of man to cheat on his wife so soon after giving him three beautiful children. From your updates you are apologising for your lack of intimacy which shows he is also adept at manipulation too. It is almost like your past abuse has made you think you deserve to be treated like this. You don’t. Nobody does. Mistakes happen. But whether his infidelity was a genuine mistake or a pattern is something you have yet to find out if you decide to move forward.

He has played you. He may still be playing you or maybe he is genuine.

Make the rules in your own life he doesn’t have to know all the cards you are carrying does he?

I’d divorce him, it’s a good time to do it when the children are so young. As you’re not working and he is wealthy you will get a good settlement. You’re so young, you’re attractive, you will easily replace this fat middle aged cheater. You know deep down he won’t be able to keep it in his pants over the long term. Good luck.

Only you know what is right. I know of marriages that have broken up due to the partners moving apart. I also know of marriages that have survived an affair.

I am not saying she shouldn’t leave him, but realistically she may not easily “replace” him. At least not anytime soon. Whether she can replace him or not shouldn’t even be a factor in her decision

However realistically speaking most decent men her age don’t want to be in a relationship which leads to them being saddled with 3 kids that aren’t theirs.

I emphasise decent men because actually a lot of predatory men would like her situation as they often target single parents.

I think if OP chooses to leave she needs to focus on healing from her trauma and standing on her two feet rather than even begin to think about having a partner again for a very long time. This will also be safer for her children.
.

Thank you very much for all your thoughts, I really appreciate them. Including some of the stronger opinions, because it’s good hearing a range of voices.
When I mentioned about me struggling a bit with intimacy, I don’t mean exactly that I’m blaming myself. But I am trying to open up more - I have a tendency to shut down a bit, which I guess I probably need more support with separately.
We’ve started to make some more plans, including talking to my DH’s business partner about changing around his schedule so he is out less in the evenings, etc. Plus counselling. And i’ve ordered the Esther Perel book to listen to.
I know he has been really bad, but I also know that he is a good person - it’s just complicated.
His mum came round to also give him a talking-to today which our children enjoyed…and me!
I know I have other options and you have made me feel more confident in this.. I also am friends / friendly with men my age, but they also remind me that I do want a more secure / family focused relationship; I’m not interested in casual dating at all.
Thank you again, I hope that this will be useful for other people in the future as well.

“Most decent men her age don’t want to be in a relationship which leads to them being saddled with 3 kids that aren’t theirs.”
Yes this - when I was dating before, most men my age seemed scared of even mentioning children. This was one of the benefits of an age-gap relationship for me - late 30s men seem more realistic about at least talking about children. (Although, it wasn’t planned, I just mean that with hindsight).

Small children are exhausting and you have three 🙂. You have lots of different but intertwined issues happening at the same time and that's hard too. How you feeling about yourself, how your husband feels about himself, infidelity, the pressure of tiny children. I would say that you need to rest and regroup and then maybe the way forward will be a bit clearer. Why don't you get some help with the children in your home and take some time for yourself? Sleep, yoga, a nice walk. When it comes down to it only you know how you feel about your husband sleeping with an other woman. Some counselling may help crystallise those thought. Try not to fall into the trap though of thinking that this relationship is the only one there can ever be. In a way what you describe seems like a gilded cage but cages have doors. You don't have to stay if you don't want to.

Infidelity is my red line.