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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay together after an affair?

96 replies

svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 19:51

Hello,
I’m a first-time poster with three children under 4, so I am tired - please be gentle with me! Also apologies because english isn’t my first language (although I have lived in the UK for a while)
I’m 29, married to DH, 43. (I know, age gap)
We have 3DC, twins age 1 and a son age 3. We’ve been together since I was 25. I led on the relationship, and we have been happy together
However, earlier this year my DH slept with another woman, while away travelling for work.
I was obviously upset at the time, but we love each other and we have been clear we would stay together. However, reading on threads here, and sometimes speaking to people in real life, some women seem to say - ‘LTB’. As if it’s so easy and simple.
I really don’t want to break up my marriage. Does (especially women older than me) anyone have stories about moving through infidelity?

OP posts:
Foostit · 07/12/2024 20:46

ElatedShark · 07/12/2024 20:02

No offense but can you actually afford to leave? With 3 kids under 5??
In a country where you say you have a poor grasp of the language?

I wouldn't listen to older (often) bitter women who may be jealous of your lifestyle.
You said you forgave him already move on from it or seek marriage counselling

I’m sorry but what a ridiculous response! Completely batshit to suggest that people trying to offer supportive advice to the OP might be bitter and ‘jealous’ especially when she’s specifically asked for the opinions of older people who have been through similar!
I’m neither bitter or remotely jealous (remember exactly how shit it felt and I never want to feel that way again) but my one regret was not getting out straight away. You may forgive but you never forget and you’re setting yourself up for a future of lack of trust and feeling inadequate. I also acknowledge it’s difficult to do. The best advice I’ve seen on here is from the poster who advised starting to create an escape plan/funds etc. If you can’t handle how you feel in a few years then you will find it easier to leave.

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:48

Tiredandneedtogotobed · 07/12/2024 20:33

I think counselling would be a good idea. It’s common for women to pay more attention to their babies …because they are babies and not fully grown adult men. This is perfectly natural.

he is old enough to know better tbh and if he was feeling “neglected” he should have spoken to you.

My worry from what you have written would be:
a) he is feeling older and fatter and so needs assurance from women to make him feel good about himself / this could mean he could stray again in future
b) he didn’t talk to you when he had a problem - he slept with someone else.

i think if he is willing to work through these issues and figure out the whys then there could be a chance?

Thank you very much for your message, you’ve really 'nailed it.'

We bonded initially in quite a fun and flirtatious way, but since getting pregnant I’ve just really wanted to be immersed in our children’s world. I think a bit too much at times - I’ve also tried to push myself a bit to go out occasionally and to sometimes go out of this ‘mama’ mode.
But he has always been more keen to still go on dates (etc…)

He’s always been a bit overweight, and has been a bit sensitive about this since I’m naturally quite thin. He’s put on weight since ‘settling’ with me and I think he’s been feeling less attractive probably.

He has tried to talk to me about these things but it’s true that I have been a bit less attracted to him, and as I mentioned before, I think I need to learn to communicate and be a bit more open. That’s why it’s really helping me to be here, to articulate things.

OP posts:
BestMammyEver · 07/12/2024 20:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 20:50

Hayley1256 · 07/12/2024 20:39

I think only you know if you canv get through it. Do you trust him? Will you bring it up in future arguments? Are you only staying with him now because of the lifestyle he offers you? If he goes on a night out or business trip will you be worried he's cheating? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Thank you for those thoughts, all things that are very valuable for me to reflect on.

OP posts:
Papyrophile · 07/12/2024 20:53

Relationships can recover from infidelity, but it takes a lot of kindness and understanding to do so, and to rebuild the trust again. I've seen it happen, so I know it is possible, but it isn't as easy as saying "don't do it again".

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/12/2024 20:53

Ask yourself

do you forgive him ?
will you forgive him
will you ever forget his infidelity

do you trust him

Julia34 · 07/12/2024 20:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I already feel sick if I imagine man go cheat on me and I still cook for him,clean his mess and had still sex with him Oh My God this will be the biggest self no respect ever in my life I will shoot myself if I ever stupid like that 😅

PixelatedLunchbox · 07/12/2024 20:54

ElatedShark · 07/12/2024 20:02

No offense but can you actually afford to leave? With 3 kids under 5??
In a country where you say you have a poor grasp of the language?

I wouldn't listen to older (often) bitter women who may be jealous of your lifestyle.
You said you forgave him already move on from it or seek marriage counselling

Nasty ageist comment Envy

Reddog1 · 07/12/2024 20:54

Stick around with your portly middle-aged millionaire but make sure you have plenty of money in accounts in your name, and find yourself a handsome side piece with youth and abs for sex. Job done. 🤷‍♀️

Julia34 · 07/12/2024 20:58

PixelatedLunchbox · 07/12/2024 20:54

Nasty ageist comment Envy

Show quote history

I will.leave any chetear even if I have to live on the street. I live my ex with my daughter having no where to go had only handbag with me cause I run away from him when he cheat on me and I was given help my women aid and put in hostel after that I get my house 2 years later. I will never stay with cheater I rather die that be under one roof with cheater and maybe serve him dinners 😅

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 21:00

Papyrophile · 07/12/2024 20:53

Relationships can recover from infidelity, but it takes a lot of kindness and understanding to do so, and to rebuild the trust again. I've seen it happen, so I know it is possible, but it isn't as easy as saying "don't do it again".

Thank you for your message. I’ve had one other person in ‘real life’ tell me that she had moved past an affair, and she is in her 70s.
The difficulty I’m finding is that people my age in England can be very black and white / politically correct about these things. On the other hand, in Sweden people are often super open and ‘matter of fact’ about sex. I’m somewhere in the middle, but don’t really fit in to either camp.
Then, women who are his age or his friends are slightly acting as if I should have known better, as if i’m a bit naive, because they knew him when he was younger, pre-marriage and children.
So I’m feeling a bit lost really with these opinions.

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 07/12/2024 21:00

Nope, he doesn't respect you so why would you stay with someone who doesn't respect you? Don't be a mug, he'll be laughing know he's got away with it and most do it again.

PixelatedLunchbox · 07/12/2024 21:01

@svenskalondon I agree with previous posters that him telling you of his own accord is huge. If you love him and want to work on it, do so.

But quietly and consistently, make positive moves towards securing a future for yourself should you decide in the years ahead that you can't forget and you are living waiting in anxious suspicious of him doing it again.

Be careful of accepting too much culpability in HIS decision to cheat. That's on him, not on you.

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 21:01

If anyone does have stories about rebuilding trust I would appreciate it. Because I’m not naturally paranoid about these things. Is it valuable for it to be a more ‘formal’ process do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 21:02

Reddog1 · 07/12/2024 20:54

Stick around with your portly middle-aged millionaire but make sure you have plenty of money in accounts in your name, and find yourself a handsome side piece with youth and abs for sex. Job done. 🤷‍♀️

I am taking my own situation seriously, but … your comment did make me laugh a bit. Thank you.

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 07/12/2024 21:02

I did. Forgave him.

And things were uncomfortable. But we got it back ( Inthought).

Then he did it again. Citing the fact that he did it because things were uncomfortable at home, and he needed somewhere to feel
comfortable.

Third time.....I gave up.

How long are you going to give this mature man to shape up?

Plumedenom · 07/12/2024 21:03

Let me tell you all about your husband. He has lived a life for many years getting pussy where he wants because he was young and successful. He started to get scared he was becoming old and fat so it was time to settle down and have kids with a young, attractive wife. Now he will spend the next 15 years seeking external validation through sex outside his marriage whenever he has the opportunity.
It's not that he doesn't love you, but it's all about him and his ego.
You are in a difficult situation now, finding this out. As a forty year old woman, my approach at this point would be to say you're ok with an open marriage, but that it works both ways. That way when he is 60 and can't get it up, and you're 40 something and have a queue of men who'd like strings free sex with a married woman, you can make up for lost time. I would also play out this scenario for him so you can truly revel in it for many years. No way would I accept his confession, I'd just make it clear he obviously thinks it's ok to have sexual partners who are not your wife and that this will be the rule for everyone from now on.

Original poster
svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 21:04

Rhaidimiddim · 07/12/2024 21:02

I did. Forgave him.

And things were uncomfortable. But we got it back ( Inthought).

Then he did it again. Citing the fact that he did it because things were uncomfortable at home, and he needed somewhere to feel
comfortable.

Third time.....I gave up.

How long are you going to give this mature man to shape up?

Thank you for sharing this, I do appreciate it.
can I ask - the second time, did you feel things were ‘uncomfortable’? Did you expect that to happen?

OP posts:
teatoast8 · 07/12/2024 21:04

I couldn't stay with a cheater. Someone who cheats doesn't love you!

Createausername1970 · 07/12/2024 21:04

You have to weigh it up.

One one side of the scales you have the infidelity (the one that you know about -there may be others).

What's on the other side of the scales? Good dad? good partner? good lifestyle?

Where does the balance lie? Does one side definitely outweigh the other. If there are many good aspects to your relationship, then you may decide you can put the infidelity to one side and carry on and enjoy all the other aspects/benefits. If he is wealthy and you have a good life, then there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep this, at least until the children are through education.

But if you do, protect yourself. Either a stash of money or jewellery that could be sold etc., in case it goes tits up in the future.

2025willbemytime · 07/12/2024 21:05

My h had an affair and we stayed together for nine more years. I did divorce him but it wasn't because of his affair. Do what you want to do. No one else has to live your life and only you needs to be happy with your choices. Anyone who criticises you for doing what you want is no friend.

Some comments are just awful. Remember @svenskalondon they are just opinions, not facts. They don't know him or you.

Hankunamatata · 07/12/2024 21:05

Counselling is the way to go. Not many marriages do cope well with a 3 yr old and 1 yr old twins without some additional support

Jazzicatz · 07/12/2024 21:09

svenskalondon · 07/12/2024 21:01

If anyone does have stories about rebuilding trust I would appreciate it. Because I’m not naturally paranoid about these things. Is it valuable for it to be a more ‘formal’ process do you think?

Your husband has shown you the man he is, listen to that and decide whether you can accept that he will probably do it again. Rather than trying to rebuild trust, you would be better on working on either accepting he will cheat and therefore getting to a place of acceptance or leaving him because you don’t want to be in a relationship where you are treated like this.

2ndtimeluck · 07/12/2024 21:11

Have a look at Esther Perel, especially the 'rethinking infidelity' Ted talk.

Lubilu02 · 07/12/2024 21:11

When you say you were very upset at the time, I hope your reaction was enough to really sting him. My fear would be that you possibly didn't go hard enough on him the first time for him not want to even entertain the idea of doing it again. Only you know that.

I think if you really made him realise in a painful way what he would lose, and he seemed really genuinely remorseful, then I think you can safely move ahead and be happy together.

I hope he saw the error of his ways and decided to be more like you and put the family first. You need to also be on the same page or i think you may run into trouble with him again.

Good luck to you, you sound like a doting mother. That's lovely and he is very lucky to have you!