To stay together after an affair?

[svenskalondon]

Hello,
I’m a first-time poster with three children under 4, so I am tired - please be gentle with me! Also apologies because english isn’t my first language (although I have lived in the UK for a while)
I’m 29, married to DH, 43. (I know, age gap)
We have 3DC, twins age 1 and a son age 3. We’ve been together since I was 25. I led on the relationship, and we have been happy together
However, earlier this year my DH slept with another woman, while away travelling for work.
I was obviously upset at the time, but we love each other and we have been clear we would stay together. However, reading on threads here, and sometimes speaking to people in real life, some women seem to say - ‘LTB’. As if it’s so easy and simple.
I really don’t want to break up my marriage. Does (especially women older than me) anyone have stories about moving through infidelity?

Thank you - I’m going to watch that tonight when I inevitably am up with the children!

Yes, thinking about it all now.
He’s a very loving and good partner. He’s the best person I've ever been with.
Other men I’ve dated have just treated me as a sexual conquest or have been jealous of any attention I get.
He’s not the perfect father with small children, but he’s very devoted + loving and involved, just not as much as me.
My lifestyle with him is basically perfect, but I am very conscious of not wanting to be seen as a kind of trophy girlfriend .

When you say he changed his "lifestyle" what do you mean? In relation to women, sex and relationships what was he doing before you two got married....
He's suggested counseling... has he actively booked something to start .. has he booked something for you both or himself? Has he spoken to you about it and started working kn himself or just told you to ease his guilt, a bit like confession ?
Why are you seeking to work in his field .. is it related to modleling at all,...do you have qualifications or expertise in the field, or are you using him to ease you in to a world you know little about? If so I'd advise finding your own career independent of him in which you can thrive and grow as a separate and independent person. Its too much to be repaint on him financially and now for your own career development.

I recommend watching or reading esther perel or the couple therapy series as a starter to think about how and why you two find yourselves together and struggling so soon into the relationship. You barely know each other and finding it out in this situation is hard. You are young still and its a good idea to forge a path that allows you to leave if you want to, rather than end up totally dependent.

Good luck

The only thing you can do is to take it one step at a time and see how it goes. Some people can recognise their mistakes and are capable of learning from them.

After the first affair, I felt under tremendous pressure. To re-establish a sexual connection , friendship and trust.

Did my best, worked at it. Thought he was trying, too.

Only to find that he was happy to have me "keep the home fires burning" while he regarded it as part of his life-style to have other women.

He did the same tohis second wife, and his third.

I never expected serial infidelity, no. ( And the three I know of aren't necessarily the only ones he cheated on he with.)

He might very well be a narc, but I think you forget the part where possibly he did it and then felt huge guilt…

Our friends to whom this happened were in their late 40s. They had two early teen kids, and the H was travelling constantly all over the world in a high level job. She was the trailing spouse, without the language skills or visas to have her own career and change jobs every two years with a change of country too. He strayed, over an extended period with an OW who was quite seriously predatory. When it came to light, it was misery all around. Followed by a corporate shake out. The couple had to make big family decisions. They decided to try and rescue the family they had made for 15 years, and very happily, seem to have succeeded. I could not possibly ask if the relationship is fully restored but their children have never found out the truth, and everyone assumes that they are the happiest of families. Perhaps there are still some misgivings and regrets, but life has mysteries and some messes are best left alone. It looks and probably is much better in real life than screaming blue murder and tossing the toys out of the pram.

yes, that’s the other thing.
It’s a lot to have tiny children. We’ve argued a bit / disagreed because I feel anxious and guilty about letting anyone look after our children, but he wants to pay for a nanny at least part time.
After having two pregnancies including a twin pregnancy, plus one miscarriage, I’ve felt very protective of my body. I’ve started doing some yoga recently and I’m moving away from my modelling career, where my body was naturally the focus. Plus, sexual harassment etc when I was younger, and still being seen as a sexual object now by some men.
I feel like I just don’t want any sexual contact at the moment really. my DH has not been pressuring me, but I know he would like to have sex with me.
I’m not even remotely interested in the young fitter men my age who are in my friendship circles - even when people flirt with me.
So I’m finding it extra hard to even ‘get’ that drive towards sex. I understand theoretically, I just can’t even imagine it at the moment.
Has anyone had that experience of needing to reunite with their own body first after pregnancy?
Sorry if that was totally off-topic!

The thing is OP, he married a much younger beautiful woman, and it still wasn't enough....you are only together a few years, and he still went off with someone else.
What happens in years to come when you get older or hit menopause etc. It doesn't bode well does it? How are you going to trust him again?

If you do choose to stay with him, I would prioritise having your own money/ career again to enable you to leave in the future if you have to, don't be stuck. If he is wealthy, then he can share some of his wealth to make you feel more secure.

I am a bit older than you at 45. I have never been able to get over infidelity, always left, but I know people who have. If he feels bad about it and you want to keep trying, then therapy is the only way. Personally, I would ask him to put his money where his mouth is and put away some money for me and the kids every month, just in case it happens again, so you don’t feel manipulated and forced into a situation you are not happy with in the future. Having kids changes so much, and I can see why you wouldn’t want to just leave without trying.oh and I can’t see how an open relationship would work when you’re looking after young kids, surely not very “even”.

“State of affairs” is also good in terms of understanding why people cheat and how to get back from it.

My ex cheated on me and we did separate but actually I could have got over the affair. I don’t think it’s necessarily the worst thing you can do in a relationship - what I couldn’t get over was my ex refusing to contribute with the children / house etc. And the affair is often though not always a symptom of an issue rather than the issue in itself.

Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts.
It’s in the art world where he is successful, and art is my main interest so I don’t want to give it up because of him - I just know my career (which is barely in existence) is being so overshadowed by his name.

He just had a lot of relationships / flings / sex etc in the 20 years before we got married. But, he did want to get married and have children. We then met at the time when he was moving into that.

The couples counselling was his idea. I think i’m a bit resistant because I’m just getting used to it all. He’s a lot better at being open, articulate, able to discuss things than I am. But I suppose I would just have to trust that an experienced counsellor would be able to work with us both, even when I am a bit anxious.

He had a past, he wanted a family, he missed his past so he slept with someone. Once they’ve done it once it’s easy to do it again, and again, especially knowing that you’re tied to him via the lifestyle he’s given you.

sorry OP, I don’t believe for a moment he won’t do it again. My ex was the same, that’s why he’s an ex, he then did it to the next wife, and subsequent partners.

"And the affair is often though not always a symptom of an issue rather than the issue in itself."
Obviously he has been the one to cheat, but this is how I see it really. I think there is probably more to explore. It’s a bit frustrating when people just say - oh it’s just him and obviuosly he’s terrible. So I appreciate this

If you get the chance, look up Esther Perel. Books & podcasts. She has some really interesting insights into infidelity, why it happens, and how to move on from it. It may or may not align with your views, but it really helped me look at things differently. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

I think you need to work out what will make you happier

• staying in a family with a man who sleeps with other women
• potentially meeting a new faithful man (and being provided for well with your divorce settlement probably)
• living alone with the kids (perhaps he'll have them 50/50 hit unlikely if he works away a lot) with a lot of child maintenance money to live off.

The answer to your question is not whether you can get over it ... but it's whether he can.
That sounds wierd so let me explain. I think there are 2 types (.maybe more( of unfaithful people. Those who do and don't care and those who do and regret.

The problem is it's not easy to tell the difference and the second regretful group can't just regret and move on. They need to do some actual painful work on themselves in order to get through. This is the key. Is your DH willing to examine, with a therapist or similar, why he did this and how he can not do it again. Because frankly if he isn't then it doesn't matter what you think or do, hes not done his part and it will never work.

Now it doesn't automatically mean if he does his work that you can and should forgive and move past it. That's an entirely different topic and other women can advise on that front. But if he isn't doing or willing to do work on himself then there's no hope either way. So that's why I say that's the first step.

Good luck

Thank you.

Re money: he’s offered previously (in a tactful way) to just make a direct transfer or to set up an account in my name, but I’ve refused because I haven’t wanted to feel like a ‘kept’ woman. But maybe I should have accepted! We also have joint accounts etc. He’s very easy about these matters

I’m just going to try sleep for a bit while my children are sleeping, but I will continue to read your messages. THank you so much, you’ve made me feel much less crazy!

Well, it seems like there are many benefits that would be lost to you and your children if you walked away.

As another poster said, if you can reach a place of acceptance then you could continue on and have a good life.

I have 2 friends who have worked through it, one with children, one without. In both cases their husbands actually left them for the other woman then came back. I would say their marriages are actually stronger than before now. It is possible but it needs a lot of work.

On MN the default position is to tell women to leave their husbands but it’s easier to say that anonymously behind a screen than to actually do it in real life, especially where kids are involved and you don’t want to break up your little family.

All the best to you OP, hope it works out for you.

Then maybe you should take him up on this offer - think of it as investing in your and your children's future. Even if you stay with him and work things out, it would be good to have your own money for security.

It sounds as though you are somehow trying to prove that you are not a gold digger, and therefore putting yourself and your children in a precarious position.

Also, you could look at retraining into something else if you don't want to go back to modelling. I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to decide whether you will forgive him just now. But maybe take this as a catalyst to make some changes in your relationship.

I often wonder how many MNers who say LTB would actually take their own advice? Leaving is hard when there are children involved. I'm not sure i could do it, especially when my DH is such a good father.

People make mistakes OP. Only you can make make the decision to forgive. My only advice would be, if you do forgive then try to move on. I have a friend who stayed after an affair and she constantly held it against her DH. It was bought up regularly, even infront of friends, and she was incredibly bitter about it. It was a horrible atmosphere for the children and they eventually split a year later.

How did you find out ?

What has he done since to repair ?

Honestly, I think that HOW it happened would Impact my decision to stay or go. Do you know the details? I dont know I think cheating takes lots of decisions. Someone didn't accidentally fall on his dick. I just think I could forgive a drunken one off mistake but I couldn't forgive I'd it was planned, arranged, discussed. I couldn't forgive the Intimate sharing of information or friendship. I think an emotional affair is much more damaging than a drunken fuck.