Son still won’t work

[Lostmum8279]

My son is 22 years old and still can’t keep a job. Should I give him money when he asks? I feel guilty if I don’t but it is not really helping him I know. I don’t know what to do

I have debilitating mental health conditions from a fucked up childhood and still work. The world isn’t divided up into workers with good mental health and the unemployed with bad mental health. The criteria for receiving ESA and PIP are really high - plenty of people with serious problems aren’t eligible so have to work, especially if they’re single because JSA isn’t enough to survive.

I was in abject poverty for a decade but worked my arse off to re-qualify and now have a good job.

Loads of people say that it I could do that my mental health was fine, well, I know otherwise.

It’s reality - he’s a single man who won’t get enough to live on unless he works. He needs to figure that out asap.

You are holding him back from growing up to take responsibilities he'll have to face as an adult.

Apply tough love--kick him out!
Remember: By applying tough love, you are helping him to grow up (vs. holding him back)

There's plenty out there, I got made redundant last year and I got a job within a month, I have no formal qualifications - it's actually somewhat easier to get a job in that scenario as you can afford to be less picky and aren't seen as "over qualified."

Don't enable him. No job = no money or you'll never get him back on track.

No money for food or mobile phone either, if he hasn't eaten, he can have toast not £10.

Could you get a lockbox for the door key?

Is he actually receiving treatment for anxiety?

My ds only left uni this year at 23 he's still finding his way and is 24 in 3 weeks but I know that's older than alot.

I believe in trying to work and pushing yourself with mental health but you should never compare yourself to others everybody's a individual.

Tough love needed, Stop enabling, stop giving him money, and then he might get a job. He needs to do that.

When my DS was out of work age 22, I did not give him any money.
He claimed JSA until after 6 months he got a job in a pub, evenings.
So, although I did not give him money, he had some from the JSA.

always find the responses to these posts odd, I graduated from a red brick uni and moved back home until 24 when I moved in with my now husband (I am 33). My parents helped me out during and after university while I found my feet and whilst I had a part time job in 6th form.
Why do all these children need to be kicked to curb so young? I have a 3 yo and 6 mo and will support them when they need me. Very odd and upsetting mentality.'

Totally agree. Some very harsh comments on here. He might actually be really struggling.

I am not sure how 'Kicking him to the curb is what is being suggested. Getting off his bum and doing something productive is the issue. He has no problem going out so he can do something other than scrounge from his mother and the state.

Sorry to quote a long post but work coaches are not on 35 grand. There are also good ones and not so good ones but the thing to remember is that see the young person for 10 or 20 mins every week or fortnight so the bonus is on the job seeker to actually do that with guidance where needed for cv, how to job search and job openings they may be aware of. They can't wave a wand and find them a job. And of course your daughter could probably do that job as she has obviously bright so she should check the civil service website for that but do let her know it's much better 30 grand in pay.

Different situations. You went to university and gained a degree between the ages of 18 and 22, and prior to that you had a job in six form. In the same four year period, op’s son has had a job for six months in total.

In the two years before moving in with your boyfriend, did you work? Make plans for the future etc? Or just went out with friends?

Sorry about typos. Hope it makes sense.

Whether there's a lot of jobs or few, that doesn't matter. My kids went around to every house in the neighborhood & asked if they wanted them to cut grass for them/rake leaves &/or shovel for them. They came back with a good amt. of money! (<--like $50/day!)

If you’re worried he isn’t eating offer to cook him a meal whilst cooking for yourself, I wouldn’t give him money

Good point. Where I live, in a very poor town, we see grown men still dressed like teenagers, walking or cycling the streets in the day with their friends, all look gaunt and unhealthy. These are the kids that didn’t bother after school. Nothing changed for them except age and it’s incredibly sad.

You need to tell him how his life could be without money and how it could be with money. When it’s laid out in front of you the choice is obvious.

I agree. When young there are opportunities to upskill if you missed out at school. There are apprenticeships. There are also a lot of starter jobs which may not pay well or even have many hours initially but he has to start somewhere otherwise he will make himself unemployable and turn into one of those sad long term unemployed blokes.Get him to do some courses whilst job hunting so he has something to show for this period of unemployment.

You are facilitating his poor attitude to work. Time to try some tough love.

Should any 22yr old who won’t work really be able to claim benefits?

So sponge off the tax payers instead?

I made it clear way upthread that claiming benefits in his position should only need to be very temporary.

It's really hard, but you are doing Ds no favours by enabling him to opt out of becoming an adult and remaining a child.
If not now, when will he accept responsibility for himself? At 25, 30, 35?
It won't get any easier, in fact the longer this goes on, the tougher it will be for change to happen.
Tough love, I'm afraid.
It won't be easy, but it is necessary.
Good luck!

YANBU to be worried or to not know what's out there for those in his position. He's chosen not to complete his college course and you're supporting him by providing everything he needs. It's a shame he was made redundant from his previous role but as you don't seem to require rent etc. from him, he is in the fortunate position of being able to take on voluntary work and/or do some shadowing so he's making more of his time.

Does he have a CV? Does he have GCSE maths and English? Perhaps you could spend some time with him helping him sign up for some employment agencies, teaching assistant agencies and responding to adverts for volunteers.

My DC1 is a bit younger and after finishing an art foundation course has chosen not to go to university. They have a zero hours job (from which they pay the equivalent of one shift's wages as 'rent') and apply for a handful of jobs each week. It's disheartening when they don't hear back from most of them but if nothing else, submitting applications gives some purpose to the day.