Son still won’t work

[Lostmum8279]

My son is 22 years old and still can’t keep a job. Should I give him money when he asks? I feel guilty if I don’t but it is not really helping him I know. I don’t know what to do

Has he seen a doctor?

We can all come back in 10 years for the sequel: “My DP is 32 and won’t contribute financially, I work full time and we have a 2 year old but we’re now in arrears with the rent. He says there’s no job out there for him and thinks I could maybe take some overtime if I’m worried.”

For what?

Lazyitis perhaps?

I’m not sure why it is the tax payer’s responsibility to fund him. It isn’t as if the country can really afford it.

Ruthar · Today 19:24
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Bless, give him a bit of breathing space. Most are still studying at 22

Can only assume that’s sarcasm.

If not, and OP is in the UK, no they’re not. Unless they’re taking a 4 or 5 year course. Most are 3.

Irrelevant though because he isn’t studying.

The taxpayer really shouldn't have to fund a healthy 22 year old for very long. He should be perfectly capable of getting a job.

People who suggest claiming benefits as a lifestyle alternative to working really do my head in. Total abuse of the system that we taxpayers pay into.

I was just asking as I took medication for 25+ years and couldn't have worked without it

even then, some days I'd get off the bus fearing I'd be sick - I wasn't but I suppose the anxiety made me think it

i didn't want to assume he was faking I guess. Some of us bust a gut to get on with life so it's automatic to me - that kind of person- to think it's real.

Ok
He is an adult
Start charging him money

I hope the OP was working, supporting herself and making her own money when she was 22 otherwise it's going to be all a bit double standards....

I didn't. It's not an alternative to working. It should be a very temporary stop gap until he gets into employment.
He shouldn't be leeching off his mother either.

penelopelondon · Today 20:50
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I hope the OP was working, supporting herself and making her own money when she was 22 otherwise it's going to be all a bit double standards...

Most parents to 22 year olds were.

Oh, no, I know. It was actually in reference to the person you quoted, agree with your reply to them completely. 😀

I always find the responses to these posts odd, I graduated from a red brick uni and moved back home until 24 when I moved in with my now husband (I am 33). My parents helped me out during and after university while I found my feet and whilst I had a part time job in 6th form.
Why do all these children need to be kicked to curb so young? I have a 3 yo and 6 mo and will support them when they need me. Very odd and upsetting mentality.

He’s spending his time going out with his pals, the OP says. Unless he’s magically turning that anxiety on and off so that he can do what he wants socially but cannot face employment, he’s at it.

I think the OP even said he plays on the apparent anxiety.

Marscleo · Today 20:57

I always find the responses to these posts odd, I graduated from a red brick uni and moved back home until 24 when I moved in with my now husband (I am 33). My parents helped me out during and after university while I found my feet and whilst I had a part time job in 6th form.
Why do all these children need to be kicked to curb so young? I have a 3 yo and 6 mo and will support them when they need me. Very odd and upsetting mentality.

You are very fortunate, as are your children. Not everyone can afford to support adult offspring.

@Kibble29 yes, I'm probably just slow today. It's just so frustrating to have diagnosed medical stuff that others abuse. I suppose I'd rather think it was real.

Whilst you were in 6th form is moot. You were still a child. As for after university, you graduated then got a job I presume. This guy has been mooching for ages. In the time that you spent 2 years 6th form and 3+ years at university, he went to college for a while and dropped out then had a job lasting 6 months.

Have you considered if he could be neuro divergent? It doesn't excuse it but it could explain why someone who appears they should otherwise be capable, isn't. It's not uncommon for undiagnosed adults to really struggle as you come to the end of school/routine and then fall behind your peers. Somewhere like the princes trust might help with guiding him towards a future.
Other than that, clearly appropriate boundaries. At minimum you expect him to have at least a part time job and he has to show evidence over the next week's of him applying.

Ah he's anxious

Not anxious about not having a job and paying his way though

Have you considered if he could be neuro divergent

^

Here we go

He's taking the piss and you're enabling him. Tell him he has to get a job or move out

My DD has moderate to severe anxiety (60mgs of fluoxetine daily so not insignificant) and has managed to hold down various (thoroughly shitty) part time jobs whilst studying.

She's on her third "real job" at 25. She's steadily increased her salary (she'll be out earning me in the next year or two) and has just been diagnosed with ADHD.

You need to get serious with your son. Anxiety, MH, being ND aren't excuses to fail. I've always supported DD emotionally and she knows I'm her safety net but she also knows I'd give her hell if she asked for money after not doing her best.

I believe as parents it’s as important to step back and allow them to become adults as it was to nurture and care for them through their childhood. One day you won’t be here and if you are always treating your adult children as though they are infants they won’t be able to cope with life. He has to learn that no job equals no money, lots of people suffer with their mental health and still go to work. You can’t infantile him nor let him manipulate you into feeling sorry for him to extract money from you as it will cause more harm than good in the long term.