Son still won’t work

[Lostmum8279]

My son is 22 years old and still can’t keep a job. Should I give him money when he asks? I feel guilty if I don’t but it is not really helping him I know. I don’t know what to do

I doubt if his work coach will allow that to be happening for long.

The OP needs to tell him to sign on and make it clear that if he's sanctioned he can find somewhere else to live.

If he’s not voluntarily looking for jibs, then you need to be proactive with him. Sit him down and adk him what he wants from life. Help him compile a cv, apply for jobs etc. Also, help him apply for any benefits, although this could be counterproductive, because if he gets enough money for socialising then there’s no incentive to work.

I’m guessing he’s not paying any rent, so I would also stop doing his washing etc. Don’t make life easy for him, and stop giving him money. He should be giving you done fur living there!

He's not, is he? He's just loafing about.

I don’t know what is going on with UC I think because he didn’t get a job they stopped it.

You don't get much as a young single person on UC. And the OP needs to take board out of whatever he gets.

Failure to Launch: Why Your Twentysomething Hasn't Grown Up...and What to Do about It by Mark McConville - could be worth a read for advice

So he's not so anxious that he can't go out doing stuff with his mates....he's playing you. What does he do with his mates drink, drugs?

He dropped out of college, he is not studying, he had a great job for about 6 months he loves it, he was up with a nudge every now and then but he did it and we thought we had turned a corner. Then they made cut backs and it was last in first out and then he went downhill again.

No doesn’t drink and no drugs just hangs out with friends driving around in their cars

If you’re worried he’s not eating then provide food. Not money

Thank you I will read it.

I do, the cupboards and fridge always have weekly dinners and lunch. We just don’t buy takeaways as they are expensive for a family

Of course not, you're enabling him. He's not a small child, he can figure out the relationship between job/benefits and having money.

When my 17yrold DS thought this was a good game to play, I got social services involved, told him he had until his 18th birthday to get a job and pay his way or he could go to the hostel SS had lined up.

Full time job a week before his 18th birthday, moved out with GF when he was 19, now own their own home since 24 and they both have fantastic careers.

I'm so very proud of him.

But never gave him money, never enabled and and refused to be walked over. I couldn't afford to be as a single mum and he had a younger brother.

You have to sit him down, give him a deadline and stick to it.

Tell him it’s time to pay rent and if he can’t he is out. Sorry, it’s tough love time I’m afraid. No cash given out and he pays his way. Stop babying him.

I’m not sure what the AIBU is-but NO
You should not be giving him money op. He’s 22.

By subbing him constantly you’re enabling him to not work.

As hard as you might find it, the only correct way to deal with this is to firmly say “no, you’re 22, get a job if you need money”

Cruel to be kind op. Otherwise you’ll end up with a 40 year old man child in 18 years that still lives out of mummy’s purse

Most? I don’t think so, even the average uni student has graduated at 21.

They’re doing something with their lives and not just leeching off others

Why isn't he getting benefits/has n
he not applied? If he is capable of work, the job centre will have a system in place to help him into work. My thoughts are he should apply for benefits and see how he gets on. He can't just leech off you indefinitely. Good luck

He sounds a little lost, but giving him money will mean it's easier for him to stay like this. You need to stop. Keep thinking of him like this in 10 years, you don't want that for him. Has he got any ADHD symptoms? It's just that it sounds like he needs lots of stimulation and doesn't stick at things, but I'm probably leaping to a conclusion.

No then. You should let him know how much HE needs to pay YOU each month towards the bills.

You say he has anxiety. It can be debilitating. Has he seen the GP? That way you can get more of an idea about whether he's struggling or just cba.

No, they're not

Don't be giving him any money. Does he pay rent out of his universal credit?

I wouldn't dole out cash, but I would pay for some counselling or careers advice. I think people struggling to find/keep work need help, not punishment.