Son still won’t work

[Lostmum8279]

My son is 22 years old and still can’t keep a job. Should I give him money when he asks? I feel guilty if I don’t but it is not really helping him I know. I don’t know what to do

Has everyone missed that he did have a job - a job that he enjoyed and that he was getting on with. Then he got 'let go' and hasn't found another one yet.

It's not that easy out there at the moment - there are very few full time entry level jobs for people with minimal work history.

It's not clear how long ago this job was and how he's been since then - it can really knock your confidence to be made redundant.

And that means he can't sign on because...?

He had a job. He can get another job. Any job. It’s easier to get work whilst employed.

Sorry - I misunderstood.

I don't think I'd bother keeping a job if I could get my Mum to give me money instead.

Obviously don’t give him money. If he lives at home at this age he needs to hold down a job and pay you some rent.

I think cut him a little bit of slack. His frontal lobe hasn't developed yet, 22 year olds today are far more childlike than those of previous generations, particularly if they don't have experience living away from home.

Charge him rent and tell him he is in massive debt to you?

His frontal lobe is fine. You are quoting junk science. Brains continue to develop and change throughout our life.

For goodness sake. That doesn't stop him getting a job. He's already had one.

22 year olds today are far more childlike than those of previous generations

Let's say for a moment that that's true. Why? Have we undergone some sort of substantial reverse evolution in a couple of decades?

No. If 22yos are childlike, which I am not asserting, it's because other adult are enabling and coddling them and stunting their growth. And the resolution to that isn't to... coddle them some more, for the love of God. People grow up by growing up. By dealing with grown-up-sized challenges without an endless safety net. People can absolutely go to their graves as stunted emotional children if sufficiently enabled to so do.

Back to OP. Genuine question, OP, what are you hoping we will say?

Nothing will change until you change it. It's fairly unlikely that he'll wake up some day in the near future and decide to proactively look for a job, or engage with treatment for his "anxiety". He'll carry on like he is until you stop letting him, in all likelihood, and the longer he's enabled to do nothing the harder it will be for him to change.

I would recommend you start enforcing adult expectations. If he expects to be cut slack because of his mental health, he goes to the GP, gets an actual diagnosis, and tries some treatment options. If he expects to live under your roof as an adult, he contributes financially and he respects the house rules and the other residents. Taking away his key is no solution. You don't get anywhere by treating an adult like a wayward child; if an adult co-resident's behaviour is that harmful to the other people who live in the home, the adult solution is that he can't live there any more. Where he gets the money to pay you rent is his problem to solve as an adult. He can claim benefits or work, his choice.

Obviously not.

It's not that easy out there at the moment - there are very few full time entry level jobs for people with minimal work history.

Plenty of seasonal work, if he'd looked for it - hospitality, warehouse work. Any work experience is better than none. Possibly too late for this year now, though.

Don't you see the difference between what your parents were supporting and what OP is supporting?

OP's son isn't even looking for his feet, and he's unlikely to find them hanging around with his mates and doing nowt else.

You do know what to do, you're just not willing to do it.

He doesn’t have a key because he had lost so many and we have had to replace the lock many times. If he wants to come in he texts or knocks. We tried to make him realise that he can’t just wander in and out when he likes when he pays nothing towards living here and thought it might force him to grow up and get working

Yes I know, I am scared. I feel like a failure but I know deep down I am failing him more by not doing something.

Yes I was, my husband and I moved in to a council house I was 20 he was 23. We had 2 children and both worked hard. Eventually we were able to buy our house and raise our family. The only benefit we have ever claimed is child benefit.

nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/find-a-course/the-skills-toolkit

OP there are so many free courses and bootcamps available for our adolescents now.

Maybe he just hasn't found his thing yet. Perhaps he can look through the lists and see if anything interests him.

I work for a global software company, we also have a scheme that is free in the government scheme. It's a 13 week bootcamp that we fund for ND or minority groups who didn't fair well in traditional education but want to get into IT.

So many resources out there for him to look at.

That is the benefits part of the meeting. The person has title "job coach" and will give you print outs of pages of companies etc who you could apply to (not actual vacancies) including education courses at level 2 (DD has integrated masters which the person knows about)
She was then shown some vacancies totally out of her sphere (driving, labourer - she is 5ft and skinny, building needing various certificates) so told to return a couple of weeks later by which time she had been offered a career job to start in the autumn and a temp job in hospitality.
She couldn't resist saying to the job coach - actually I could do your job, seems simple enough.
We are paying these people a lot of money (£35,000 much more than OPs son would get on UC) to not actually do anything - I can see why the government thinks the civil service is broken.

MissRoseDurward · Yesterday 22:25

It's not that easy out there at the moment - there are very few full time entry level jobs for people with minimal work history

Our 21 year old has a first class degree in his chosen field. He’s happily working full time in a fast food outlet until he can find a position. It gives him independence and he’s able to run a car.

Hospitality and retail are desperate for staff. It’s very easy.

Seriously?! But he isn't studying, is he?

Sounds like a real catch.

Tell him to sign up online for job seekers allowance. They’ll make him keep to job searching. He’ll stop asking you for money.

I honestly think you should be prodding him out of the nest. Look for houseshares nearby to get started.

Have an “enough is enough, time to grow up, you’re going to be just fine, you this is just what you do now” approach to it.