To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

Actually I think that to a lot of us childfree people it would be even more of a weighty decision and that poster is obviously insane.

I don't have kids and there's no way I'd do it. I literally chose not to have my own kids, I'm certainly not choosing anyone else's.

The grief and devastation of losing both parents is not a tantrum.

Well if they are half then they are half siblings. I expect she sees them as that.

My dad’s mum was 46 having him. He lost both parents (one to dementia and the other heart failure) before he was 28.

Thats not what I said - I said that I suspect she doesn’t see them as siblings at all as they are only half.

I would take in a full sibling. I would not treat a half sibling as a full sibling except in very particular circumstances.

If parents move on with their life and start another family, they move on.

I would imagine that she doesn't see them as siblings as there is a 21 year age gap between her and the oldest child and a 31 year age gap between her and the youngest child and she sees them twice a year. I think siblings only feel like siblings if they grow up together in the same house, with shared childhood experiences.

Ethically IVF should not be available to women over 50 IMO even if paid privately.

However this is a hypothetical situation so I'd just shrug it off really, it isn't an actual problem or an issue for you right now, and probably will never be.

I find this absolutely bizarre and a bit sad, that just because you don’t share the entirety of DNA you view them as a lesser family member?

But you’re still siblings nonetheless? I think that’s a really sad way of looking at things if she does see it that way of course

But there NOT.

Its a throw away comment over an insane 'what if they both suddenly die' that has zero legal stance.

Do people here really think that say a meteor falls out of the sky and hits only the parents, the courts are going to force her against her will to look after 3 kids.

No, there literally nothing to be offended over, its all entirely made up but you absoloutly NEVER have a say over someone else's fertility.

Yeah, I only have half sibling but they very much ARE my sibling. I have the exact same relationship with them as people I know have with full siblings... why on earth wouldn't I.

My mam had 3 full sibling and 2 half siblings, she only got on with her half siblings.

I love my siblings, I do. But no, I will have done my time raising my own children and me and my husband are planning to go travelling and hopefully spend time with our grandchildren.

Also, these children will need their parents even after adulthood. I needed my mum during my pregnancy, my wedding, other shit that life has thrown at me. I think risking not being there for those big milestones is inherently selfish. But they are very much “money buys love” sort of people so I think that’s the only part they considered really.

Well I haven’t got any step siblings. But for me it isn’t as much about dna as upbringing. I have a number of friends who were, like op, much older half siblings and they were not brought up together in the home. They were essentially visitors to the younger siblings home and in those circumstances I don’t see the presumption that they would take them on in loco parentis as reasonable. I’m assuming op is in a similar situation, given she was shocked by the suggestion.

Where the fuck are you getting this idea that I have a day over someone else’s fertility? You sound literally insane.

The context here is different though. 50 is too old to be starting a family. I am over 50 and started having kids in my mid 30s.

It’s not really a decision though is it - What are the chances that they both pass away and it falls onto you? By the time your dad dies of old age (hopefully) then the children will be grown?

Yeah, it's pretty unlikely that that they would 'both' die before the children reach
adulthood. I'd take them on without a second thought tbh. Good to have children and relatives who will give a shit about you when you get old. You give a shit about them and perhaps they will give a shit about you.

Exactly this x

I think that in order to be clear with your DF, I would put your feelings in writing OP, as if they haven't given any thought to what might happen in this scenario, before having another child, then the chances are that they will just think that they can continue to assume that you would do, what some people would refer to as, 'the right thing'.

It's really not unreasonable not to want to raise someone else's children, siblings or not, and definitely not, when the siblings were deliberately brought into the world after normal child bearing age, and by science rather than nature.

Good grief. What planet is he on?!

Sometimes that applies in the reverse though.

I have friends whose fathers had second families they were a full time dad to. They were really only “sometimes dads” to my friends. To then expect those friends to be full time parents to their father’s Dc would be a cheek if you ask me, after he hadn’t done that for them. Not saying this is on all fours with Op’s situation, but it makes the point that caring and reciprocated care cuts both ways.

I’m not sure the “ by science” bit is fair. Ivf children don’t deserve less consideration than other children. BUT if you are having children later in life ( or actually at any stage) and counting on certain people as fallback should something happen to you, it’s reasonable to at least ask them, and not announce the expectation once the child is in the pipeline.

I'm not sure what you're furious about. They are both in their 50's, average life expectancy is around 80, so the chance of them both dying before the child is grown up is very small.

If any child were unfortunate enough to lose both their parents before they grew up, I'd hope their family members would step up and look after them, rather than let them go into the care of strangers.

@AnnaFrith Not being asked is what the OP is furious about. It's basic manners to ask whether a family member is comfortable with being designated as your children's legal guardian.

I was with you until you referred to the 50s as 'old age'.