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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She isn't worth it, is she?

88 replies

RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:04

I have a friend (A) who I've known for 25 years, she is part of a group from school (Myself, A, B, C and D.) We would occasionally do things collectively but I would usually see A and the other girls individually. A and I have been close over the years and haven't had any fallouts.

In April of this year I confronted one of the group (B) about her behaviour because she is really horrible about people (saying nasty, judgemental things about people's parenting, children and achievements.) B had broken my trust a few years ago by talking behind my back, and my tolerance had worn down. B has said some awful things about A as recently as this year, but A doesnt know - I didn't tell A what B had said because I didn't want to see A hurt. B and I haven't spoken since the exchange in April and are unlikely to again.

In May there was a situation where B refused to take her kids to the same birthday party as my child was going to (I was happy to go and be civil but then said that I wouldn't go to try to make things easier but B was still insisting that my child, aged 2, and her children, 4 and 2 couldn't be there together), resulting in the host (our mutual friend C) uninviting everyone from the friendship group, including A.

After this, in early June, A refused to come my child's birthday party because no one had been able to go to C's child's. It felt like A was blaming me for what had happened when it was B who tried to force C to choose which children to have at her child's party. C didn't blame me at all and brought her child to my child's party.

A told me said that she needed space, this was the beginning of June. I then messaged her a month later to see how she was and she didn't respond. I then left it and sent her a birthday message in September, again no response. Last night I was thinking about A and I looked at our WhatsApp chat. It looks as though she blocked me a while ago and the birthday message didn't go through. I think that I'm still blocked because I can't see I can't see her profile photo. I texted her last night (maybe I shouldn't have!!), to check in but yet again no response.

A has behaved completely differently to C and D, who have acknowledged that B can be really really awful about people. While C and D are upset with the changes caused by my and B's relationship breakdown, they do understand and respect my decision. I have seen both of them recently and we are in regular contact.

AIBU to think that A has been unreasonable, and that she isn't a good friend?

OP posts:
BustyMcgoober · 05/12/2024 17:07

If you are any older than about 15 you are too old for this level of drama.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 05/12/2024 17:07

To be honest I would block the pair of you as well, I couldn't be arsed with all the dramas.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:10

@InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom @BustyMcgoober I take on board what you are saying, but was I just supposed to allow someone to be horrendous about people without confronting them? I have never been in a situation like this before.

OP posts:
ObtuseMoose · 05/12/2024 17:11

If you're old enough to have children you're also old enough not to engage in this nonsense.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 05/12/2024 17:13

RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:10

@InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom @BustyMcgoober I take on board what you are saying, but was I just supposed to allow someone to be horrendous about people without confronting them? I have never been in a situation like this before.

Just shut down each conversation as it's happening, rather than listen to it multiple times for years and then decide to confront her.

Vaxtable · 05/12/2024 17:16

I would just tell A what B had said about her

Nc546888 · 05/12/2024 17:16

Couldn’t read this all gave me a headache and too much effort - everyone needs to get along a bit more or make new friends

2024onwardsandup · 05/12/2024 17:17

Sounds like you’ve fucked up the friendship group

you should have just taken a step back from b. What were you hoping to achieve by confronting her.

people don’t like drama…

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:18

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 05/12/2024 17:13

Just shut down each conversation as it's happening, rather than listen to it multiple times for years and then decide to confront her.

Show quote history

I told B multiple time that I didnt agree with her views and l would change the subject a lot. I do regret forgiving her for betraying my trust a few years ago, if I'd just cut my losses then we wouldn't have this situation!

OP posts:
whydoieven · 05/12/2024 17:19

Time to get some dignity back and ignore A and B. Your friends C and D sound reasonable. You never know, A may realise that B isn't all that nice, someday. Don't hold your breath though.

Nikitaspearlearring · 05/12/2024 17:19

I couldn't follow it all but she has blocked you. Sounds a bit unfair, but her decision, her reasons. You've made approaches but she isn't interested. Forget about her/them and move on. Friendship groups drift. Sounds as if the group was becoming unpleasant anyway. You sound nice so I hope you find some nicer grown up friends.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 05/12/2024 17:20

RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:18

I told B multiple time that I didnt agree with her views and l would change the subject a lot. I do regret forgiving her for betraying my trust a few years ago, if I'd just cut my losses then we wouldn't have this situation!

Show quote history

So why the big confrontation if you shut down conversations at the time and chose to forgive her?

ManhattanPopcorn · 05/12/2024 17:20

"but was I just supposed to allow someone to be horrendous about people without confronting them"

Here's a question - what did confronting them achieve?

Notimeforaname · 05/12/2024 17:21

No, get on with your life.. stop being annoyed/offended on behalf of people that don't even know they're supposed to be annoyed/offended

Calamitousness · 05/12/2024 17:24

A is better friends with B. They are talking about you and this will be all your fault. You will not win, cut them both out.

FoxtonFoxton · 05/12/2024 17:25

Shit like this makes me so glad I have an incredibly small and casual friend group. It's just too intense and too dramatic.
She's probably blocked you and clearly isn't interested in maintaining a friendship. Leave it at that and get on with your life. Don't text her anymore, she's not going to answer.

ManhattanPopcorn · 05/12/2024 17:25

You don't like B, so don't spend time with her. It's not your job to confront her and show her the error of her ways.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:29

@InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom
B continued to be horrible about people and I lost all sense of trust in her. She killed the relationship. The thing that pushed me over the edge was that she told me some really personal, upsetting stuff about someone we both know. Just like she did to me a few years before. This person would not want me to know that information. Then, in the same conversation she said tha someone else we know has had too many children and can't cope with them, and tha their 6 year old child is 'spiteful and sly'. As I said, B isn't nice at all.

OP posts:
Gettoachiro · 05/12/2024 17:31

A isn't your friend if she has treated you like this. Drop trying to contact them, it's not worth it.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 05/12/2024 17:34

RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:29

@InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom
B continued to be horrible about people and I lost all sense of trust in her. She killed the relationship. The thing that pushed me over the edge was that she told me some really personal, upsetting stuff about someone we both know. Just like she did to me a few years before. This person would not want me to know that information. Then, in the same conversation she said tha someone else we know has had too many children and can't cope with them, and tha their 6 year old child is 'spiteful and sly'. As I said, B isn't nice at all.

Edited

You clearly sat and listened to it all, and then went away, got yourself worked up, confronted her, and blew apart the friendship group.

B doesn't sound nice, but you do sound as though you like a drama, and if I were A I wouldn't be getting involved either.

A seems to have just quietly removed herself from all the dramatics, which is exactly what you should have done.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/12/2024 17:36

I agree to tell A what B said about her and that is why you have cut off ties with B. If A is fine with that then so be it.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:37

@ManhattanPopcorn weirdly I feel much better for having confronted B and not having to deal with her at all anymore! I has been difficult but definitely positive for me.

C and D are great and I do have lots of other friends as well as close family.

It's just sad as I feel that A has turned on me, after 25 years of friendship. As I said we were so close (or I felt we were!)

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 05/12/2024 17:38

Just get new friends.

Unless this is actually fun for you, I can't imagine why you would keep pursuing this person.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:41

@LonginesPrime it really isn't fun at all. This post may be my way of trying to process the fact that I need to move on. I won't be contacting A again.

OP posts:
unclebuck · 05/12/2024 17:52

This happened to me.
One person slated another - I told them they were out of order and guess who ended up being cut out?
It has saved me loads of bother tbh - I didn't realise how pathetic and exhausting they all were until I had some distance.