She isn't worth it, is she?

[RedIvy18]

I have a friend (A) who I've known for 25 years, she is part of a group from school (Myself, A, B, C and D.) We would occasionally do things collectively but I would usually see A and the other girls individually. A and I have been close over the years and haven't had any fallouts.

In April of this year I confronted one of the group (B) about her behaviour because she is really horrible about people (saying nasty, judgemental things about people's parenting, children and achievements.) B had broken my trust a few years ago by talking behind my back, and my tolerance had worn down. B has said some awful things about A as recently as this year, but A doesnt know - I didn't tell A what B had said because I didn't want to see A hurt. B and I haven't spoken since the exchange in April and are unlikely to again.

In May there was a situation where B refused to take her kids to the same birthday party as my child was going to (I was happy to go and be civil but then said that I wouldn't go to try to make things easier but B was still insisting that my child, aged 2, and her children, 4 and 2 couldn't be there together), resulting in the host (our mutual friend C) uninviting everyone from the friendship group, including A.

After this, in early June, A refused to come my child's birthday party because no one had been able to go to C's child's. It felt like A was blaming me for what had happened when it was B who tried to force C to choose which children to have at her child's party. C didn't blame me at all and brought her child to my child's party.

A told me said that she needed space, this was the beginning of June. I then messaged her a month later to see how she was and she didn't respond. I then left it and sent her a birthday message in September, again no response. Last night I was thinking about A and I looked at our WhatsApp chat. It looks as though she blocked me a while ago and the birthday message didn't go through. I think that I'm still blocked because I can't see I can't see her profile photo. I texted her last night (maybe I shouldn't have!!), to check in but yet again no response.

A has behaved completely differently to C and D, who have acknowledged that B can be really really awful about people. While C and D are upset with the changes caused by my and B's relationship breakdown, they do understand and respect my decision. I have seen both of them recently and we are in regular contact.

AIBU to think that A has been unreasonable, and that she isn't a good friend?

I think if a friend is really bitchy/negative, then you just stop speaking to them - no need to have all the drama of 'having it out with them' etc. I do think you've created some drama and A probably doesn't agree with it

You've written a very one-sided account and it seems as though your friend (who obviously knows both sides), has weighed it up and blocked you.

In May there was a situation where B refused to take her kids to the same birthday party as my child was going to (I was happy to go and be civil but then said that I wouldn't go to try to make things easier

No, this sounds like you also threw your toys out of the pram and makes you just as bad as her.

I don't blame your friend for blocking either of you, I've seen more maturity at toddler groups.

@MsCactus I totally agree with you, however B and I live a few houses apart so it would have been very difficult/awkward to get that distance if I'd just stopped talking to her. I think that in this unique scenario the only way to ensure that I didn't have to deal with her to confront her. She doubled down and said 'this is who I am' so there was no chance of reconciliation.

She clearly has a different POV on this situation then you though and thinks you bear more responsibility then you’re willing to admit.

Oh, and this is all really childish btw.

Honestly I’m so sorry but a might easily think you created the drama because you were more knee deep in it

@smalllchange A doesnt know both sides, she doesn't know half of the things that B has said or done, including awful things said about A. Unlike my other friends A has never listened to my account/reasoning. My other friends C and D get it because we have talked in depth after the fact, and they have seen how horrible B can be.

Can you just clarify re me throwing my toys out of the pram re the party? I'm not sure what I could have done differently...

Can you just clarify re me throwing my toys out of the pram re the party? I'm not sure what I could have done differently...

How was it not clear? I even put it in bold for you?

You didn't have to join in with all the 'Well I won't go to the party then' nonsense.

That just puts the host in an awkward position and makes you as bad as B.

@smalllchange Sorry I think I mistyped that bit on the original post!
For clarity...C invited us to the party and I was planning to go with my DH and child. B and her family were also invited. B started saying to C that they wouldn't be going if we were there. C told me this and was upset so I said no problem, I won't go to try to calm things. I wanted C and her child to have the best day possible and for all of the kids to be there. C then went back to B and said that I wasn't going but B still refused to go if my DH and child were there .C then uninvited everyone from the group. B refused to speak to C after it but C and I were fine.

Yes, there's no need to explain it, honestly.

I stand by what I said.

You said you'd go so you should've gone, instead of joining in with the "Oh I won't go then" nonsense.

Bloody hell, isn’t this stuff supposed to stop once we leave school?

The only sensible course of action now is to do nothing. Your friendship with A is now as dead as your friendship with B. Whatever her issue with you is, she didn’t value you enough to speak to you and try to resolve things. So let her go. All that will happen is that she’ll probably get closer to B and eventually B will piss her off and she’ll realise she picked the wrong friend.

Is it possible that B has made up a load of spiteful stuff about you to turn A against you? Could C or D talk to her if they are still in touch?

I would, and have, cut out people who are messy, confrontational, and like to start drama. I have zero tolerance or patience for it. Especially when it takes the form of a personal attack against the other person, which it sounds like this did. There is absolutely no reason for grown adults to start pontificating to one another about their perceived personal faults and character flaws. It will obviously never result in anything but a falling out and all it does is make the person that started it look like a bully.

So no, I don’t think A is unreasonable regardless of what B is or isn’t like. She probably just doesn’t have any tolerance for this sort of immature conflict.

FML, I couldn't be doing with any of this. And sounds like you've come to that conclusion too OP. Forget A and enjoy your other, straightforward friendships x

I would suspect that B has twisted things and got in there first and told A that the things she had said about A, you have said instead. It would explain the frostiness and blocking you. I’ve had family members do that to me.

A and B aren’t worth the drama they bring. Concentrate on C and D instead. There is nothing you can do to make A unblock you if she’s that childish and her mind is made up.

@smalllchange bit harsh! I was trying to support C by stepping aside. C was relieved when I offered not to go and just send my child and DH. But B still refused to go with them there.

C is wary of B because she knows how horrible she can be, I know C very well (for 24 years!) and she is very conflict-averse: she wouldn't have had my family at the party and but not B's (even though B was invited and refused to go) as B would see it as C choosing one over the other. That's why C uninvited us all when B confirmed that she wasn't going. I totally respected C's decision and told her that. C was really upset, worrying that B would be talking about he behind her back. B refused to speak to her after.

The whole thing is ridiculous and childish I know and I can honestly say that of all the friendships I have (I'm lucky to have quite a few) from school, uni, and various jobs, B's has been the singlemost problematic and toxic. I have never been involved in anything else like it. I hung in there with her for far too long I think for various reasons. We have a lot of shared history and I have been quite vulnerable in the past due to certain life experiences. I think that made me more susceptible to putting up with crappy treatment by B and not advocating for myself or others.

Possibly, I wouldn't put it past B. The whole thing stinks of A taking sides.

Re; C and D I wouldn't involve them at all as they both hate conflict and it wouldn't be fair on them.

I really don't get people going on about how this is you participating in 'drama'. OP, I'm the same as you and I would have told B what I thought of her.

I'd also have poiinted out to C that her spinelessness had contribnuted to the situation for not putting B in her place by uninviting her and her children as soon as she started causing trouble. But I'd have been ditching anyone who was putting up with B the second she started the acting out shenanigans. It's the people who are staying friendly with B who are the drama-perpetuators, because she's the one who is creating the drama.

Few enjoy conflict, but there's actually far less conflict if people have the guts to hold their friends to a decent standard of behaviour. Leaving C and D to deal with B is the best way for them to learn that their unthinking 'fear' of conflict only leads to them losing good friends and being left with the dross who DO enjoy conflict and drama.

It's better to have a small group of good friends who have eachother's backs than a wider circle of people who create endless drama through their need to put everyone on a level playing field, even people who insist on using a golf club to create divots everywhere.

I don't think you did anything wrong by speaking to B about her conduct either tbh. It depends how it was done, of course, but people are saying to you that should have both not said anything at all or shut her down at the time and accused you of drama.

I assume you didn't say anything at individual times because you were trying to avoid drama but then, on that one occasion, it just went too far?

It's the people who are staying friendly with B who are the drama-perpetuators, because she's the one who is creating the drama.

I agree.

If you'd posted here about B's behaviour before confronting her, you'd have had an equal number of people telling you to keep quiet, step away from the friendship group or say something to her. As adults, we are often told to challenge behaviour about others.

I've known people like B and, in my experience, once they've been challenged, they will do anything to preserve their position, which involves getting rid of the person who they feel threatens it. Usually by lying about them if there isn't anything more tangible.

I had some issues a few years ago and posted on here about it. A 57 year old woman who had recently joined a friendship group took a dislike to me because I dated a boy at school when I was 17 who she had a crush on (he was mid 40s by this point). She spread rumours about me saying that I was sleeping with a married man amongst various other things. She told a mutual friend that she was going to run me out of town. And people on here still accused me of being immature and causing drama.

It's a shame for you it's ended this way but there's not much you can do about it, unfortunately.

I would suspect that B has twisted things and got in there first and told A that the things she had said about A, you have said instead. It would explain the frostiness and blocking you.

That was my first thought.

I also think B has made stuff about you to A.

You should have told A what B was saying about her.

Anyway, if A does believe anything bad of you, then she’s not the friend you thought she was. I would forget A and B and invite C and D to things and concentrate on those friendships.

B sounds like a nightmare, A doesn’t sound that great. She didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt did she.
Life’s too short for all this nonsense - forget A and B and just see C and D.