She isn't worth it, is she?

[RedIvy18]

I have a friend (A) who I've known for 25 years, she is part of a group from school (Myself, A, B, C and D.) We would occasionally do things collectively but I would usually see A and the other girls individually. A and I have been close over the years and haven't had any fallouts.

In April of this year I confronted one of the group (B) about her behaviour because she is really horrible about people (saying nasty, judgemental things about people's parenting, children and achievements.) B had broken my trust a few years ago by talking behind my back, and my tolerance had worn down. B has said some awful things about A as recently as this year, but A doesnt know - I didn't tell A what B had said because I didn't want to see A hurt. B and I haven't spoken since the exchange in April and are unlikely to again.

In May there was a situation where B refused to take her kids to the same birthday party as my child was going to (I was happy to go and be civil but then said that I wouldn't go to try to make things easier but B was still insisting that my child, aged 2, and her children, 4 and 2 couldn't be there together), resulting in the host (our mutual friend C) uninviting everyone from the friendship group, including A.

After this, in early June, A refused to come my child's birthday party because no one had been able to go to C's child's. It felt like A was blaming me for what had happened when it was B who tried to force C to choose which children to have at her child's party. C didn't blame me at all and brought her child to my child's party.

A told me said that she needed space, this was the beginning of June. I then messaged her a month later to see how she was and she didn't respond. I then left it and sent her a birthday message in September, again no response. Last night I was thinking about A and I looked at our WhatsApp chat. It looks as though she blocked me a while ago and the birthday message didn't go through. I think that I'm still blocked because I can't see I can't see her profile photo. I texted her last night (maybe I shouldn't have!!), to check in but yet again no response.

A has behaved completely differently to C and D, who have acknowledged that B can be really really awful about people. While C and D are upset with the changes caused by my and B's relationship breakdown, they do understand and respect my decision. I have seen both of them recently and we are in regular contact.

AIBU to think that A has been unreasonable, and that she isn't a good friend?

Why so that so hard to believe? In all
my friendships over the years, there’s only one friend I had to confront for bad behaviour. All other times I was able to distance myself and stop a friendship developing.

Oh wow I had no idea

@denidenimstork8 Before you continue to sneer at me can I point out that all of my previous posts have been about this situation. If you had actually read my posts you would see that the scenarios are the same and relate to exactly the same occasion and people.

I have found it all very difficult and to an extent posting on here is a bit of an outlet for me. It has been helpful.

I have a career and a family and don't talk about stuff this in real life.

OP, it is simple. You and B are incompatible, you know that. She talks badly about people and you do not like it. Despite of what some are telling you here, nothing wrong with how you feel about it. I am pro setting boundaries clear. You set yours when you had enough. She set hers. C and D are more like you. Keep them. A is like B. You may have not noticed it before, but A is same as B. She is better friends with B. A and B should not be in your life.
It is a shame that you may miss some times with C and D because of that, but they are worthy friends.
Do not worry about A.

No. It's the same people. It's not really ongoing either, there was the initial confrontation, an incident where one of Bs friends who I know well had blanked me, then the party. Everything has been quiet for a few months until now when I have been wondering about A. To clarify I haven't used the same letters for people in each post which is why it may seen like lots more people are involved!

This all sounds so exhausting!
move on.

OP you sound totally reasonable and this thread is sadly full of arseholes who love sticking the knife in. Ignore them. In reality you did nothing wrong.

If someone is being nasty to other people then one of the consequences is they may have to deal with people telling them so. If they don't like it, we'll they shouldn't treat people so badly and expect you to be a party to it.

Although it's difficult letting go after all this time, it's likely B has poisoned A against you.

Time to move on.

I can see it’s the same people. Ultimately you wanted to distance yourself from someone who was being nasty a lot of the time and now you have. For your other friends it’s up to them what they do or how they handle the situation. If they want to stay friends with everyone and see people separately or prefer to no longer be friends with you or the person you’ve cut ties with they can do that too.
I can not in a million years envisage a situation where I (or one of my friends) would refuse to go to an event because another person was there and tell the organiser. If I really felt that strongly about not seeing someone I’d politely decline the invite with an excuse. On the whole it’s best to let the friendship go and work on cultivating other ones. In future it’s probably also better to just see someone less/do less with them/not tell them anything confidential if you don’t like or trust them.

Mumsnet: don't be spineless, call people out on their bad behaviour or you're complicit if they're slagging people off

Mumsnet on this thread: you should have just listened to her bitch about mutual friends, why did you call her out, no one likes drama, you are as bad as her. There must be stuff you've not told us

Going on this thread, you've not done anything wrong. B sounded horrible. It sounded like you told her multiple times that you didn't like what she was saying and she didn't listen, so you had to tell her in a different way.

It was probably naive though to think your friendship group would be unaffected. A has clearly taken sides which is a shit thing to do without at least hearing you out. So she wasn't a good friend after all

Have C or D ever spoken to her about it?

It’s bad form to keep posting the same thread multiple times.

You also seem to vary the details in each one (e.g. sending DH to the party) so no one knows what’s true and what’s made up).

If you have so many friends why are you so fixated on 2 people who don’t have much do do with you anymore?

If A and B are both out of your life it’s time to put this to bed.

This.

I also dont think there was anything wrong in offering to stay away from the party yourself.

It was clearly an attempt to diffuse the situation which backfired. But you couldn't have known that would happen in advance. B clearly decided to dig her heels in and make an unnecessary point. There was nothing you could have done at that stage.

Except perhaps not offered in the first place and then just let B refuse to go but then someone would think you should have offered to stay away and let your husband take the kids and accuse you of creating drama anyway!

Unfortunately, there are those who pander to difficult personalities and tolerate poor behaviour and those who don't. Those who consider woman standing up for themselves as others as troublesome and those who think it's necessary.

They rarely make for comfortable bedfellows.

Keep your friendships with C and D safe from this by not discussing it with them (no one wants to feel caught in the middle).

A may well come to regret her decision one day.

@RedIvy18 sounds like B has got in A's ear! being fake best friends now I presume? hopefully, B will show her true colours soon to A and A will open her eyes and realise that you arent the baddie in all this/

Grown women behaving like nursery ages children!

It's really bad form to post links to OP's other threads, and in the old days of MN your posts would get deleted and you'd have been piled on @denimstork8

OP, I think you need to accept that you've lost the friendship of A, but from what you've written on this thread, that's no loss.

Sorry, I have just posted as different things have come up as a result of the original situation, so the posts have focused on different questions ultimately. I don't think that I've been inconsistent in the details. I have made a few mistypes or left stuff out which may have confused people.

The reason why I'm posting and want to talk about it is that I would say that A,B C and D are my oldest friends. I met A on the first day of secondary school 24-25 years ago! So it is a significant friendship. She has clearly lost that sense of value in the friendship along the way though so yes I agree, time to put it to bed. I'm totally at peace with B not being around. These things take time I think. It's silly but I feel a sense of grief about it all.

"but was I just supposed to allow someone to be horrendous about people without confronting them"

Yes.

She was being ‘horrendous’. That’s on her not you.
You weren’t obliged to listen to her horrendous stories. You could have put a little distance between the two of you, or changed the subject, or made a polite excuse to walk away and determined to give her wide berth in future, all whilst keeping your counsel.
She would have maybe got the message eventually without a big bust up. Especially if A, C and D also had to listen to her being horrendous. Or was being horrendous saved just for you?
If so, a slow fade wouldn’t have been a bad thing for you.

It wasn’t your job to take it upon yourself to suddenly confront her without warning after absorbing all her horrendousness for all those years. She thought she had a partner in crime with you to off-load to. So cut you off the minute she realised she was mistaken and then ran to A to get her story in first.

It’s unfortunate that you lost friend A as a result of your decision to confront her.
Friendships wax and wane…don’t spend too more much time feeling upset and offended by it all. These little injustices are all part of life.

No idea.