She isn't worth it, is she?

[RedIvy18]

I have a friend (A) who I've known for 25 years, she is part of a group from school (Myself, A, B, C and D.) We would occasionally do things collectively but I would usually see A and the other girls individually. A and I have been close over the years and haven't had any fallouts.

In April of this year I confronted one of the group (B) about her behaviour because she is really horrible about people (saying nasty, judgemental things about people's parenting, children and achievements.) B had broken my trust a few years ago by talking behind my back, and my tolerance had worn down. B has said some awful things about A as recently as this year, but A doesnt know - I didn't tell A what B had said because I didn't want to see A hurt. B and I haven't spoken since the exchange in April and are unlikely to again.

In May there was a situation where B refused to take her kids to the same birthday party as my child was going to (I was happy to go and be civil but then said that I wouldn't go to try to make things easier but B was still insisting that my child, aged 2, and her children, 4 and 2 couldn't be there together), resulting in the host (our mutual friend C) uninviting everyone from the friendship group, including A.

After this, in early June, A refused to come my child's birthday party because no one had been able to go to C's child's. It felt like A was blaming me for what had happened when it was B who tried to force C to choose which children to have at her child's party. C didn't blame me at all and brought her child to my child's party.

A told me said that she needed space, this was the beginning of June. I then messaged her a month later to see how she was and she didn't respond. I then left it and sent her a birthday message in September, again no response. Last night I was thinking about A and I looked at our WhatsApp chat. It looks as though she blocked me a while ago and the birthday message didn't go through. I think that I'm still blocked because I can't see I can't see her profile photo. I texted her last night (maybe I shouldn't have!!), to check in but yet again no response.

A has behaved completely differently to C and D, who have acknowledged that B can be really really awful about people. While C and D are upset with the changes caused by my and B's relationship breakdown, they do understand and respect my decision. I have seen both of them recently and we are in regular contact.

AIBU to think that A has been unreasonable, and that she isn't a good friend?

This ⬆️

I haven't wanted to bring A up to C and D because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable.

C and A aren't that close so I wouldn't imagine that they have seen each other much if at all (I used to initiate the group meetups mostly and that is the only time where they would cross paths.) D will have seen A but won't want to get involved which is totally understandable. I doubt A will have told D anything because she probably knows that D and I are still in contact

One thing I haven't really mentioned about A (people have probably picked up on this though) is that she does have a bit of edge compared to C and D. Nowhere near as bad as B though. A has been known to go along with B, even joining in with the bitchiness. They both have some resentment toward C (I think that they are jealous of her) and seemed to talk about her, although I have only picked up on hints of it. One thing that stands out is that A and B behaved really badly at Cs wedding, sitting in the corner and not getting up to dance or make an effort at all, then making an excuse to leave early and laughing about it after.

That said A wasn't bitchy when she and I were one on one (that's how we would usually see each other.) However a small part of me isn't surprised that she has sided with B as she is somewhat easily led.

The more I think back on some of mine and A's interactions, especially in the past year, the more I start to think that maybe she and B were talking about me too. I have sensed negativity and there have been a couple of incidents where there was an possibly an undertone. A and B deserve each other I think!

I have other close friends, family and my DH is fantastic. I have talked to them about it previously but not recently. I don't want to seem negative plus there is so much other stuff going on in people's lives.

Tbh I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm dealing with this sort of drama/childishness at 35...so there are some less close friends who I haven't mentioned it to at all! As mentioned being on here is a bit of an outlet. Perhaps I should consider counselling or something too!

Reading and trying to keep up with the drama was more than enough for me. I had similar behaviour in my high school friendship group, which stayed together for a few years after we left school, and I wish I had left it sooner rather than persisting for even a few years.
If it were me, I wouldn't bother trying to handle it anymore. Leaving my old group felt great, so much less stress and drama which I don't need on top of work, kids and everything else. For the last few years I have kept my close friends and see and talk to them regularly, which is so much better.

Sorry who does who have?

Yes they have. Although they know B (and don't like her v much/weren't sure of her) so are glad that I stood up to her.

Honestly I have gone quite a while without thinking about it all. I am very much focused on my child, family, work and other friends. I think me coming to terms with the A friendship being dead is the last chapter of this palaver. I have been through much worse but the ending of two very long friendships has felt significant and a bit of a blow.