Need a hand hold part 4

[Imbluedalale]

Hi spoonies .
Welcome to season 4 xxx

Hi @Munchyseeds2 , just wanted to say what a lovely thoughtful person you are to get dd’s friend such lovely gifts. I promise you that she will appreciate so much that she has been in your thoughts xx

I will wear my green coat. How else will we be able to identify ourselves! What will @Malbecfan wear? 😆

It’s kind of you to help your son. We know why he did it don’t we. Unfortunately he’s not got a good role model in his dad. Fortunately he’s got a good one in you. I doesn’t escape my notice that he came to you when he needed help, not his dad xxx

Well I was hoping you’d both be taking your spoons with you 🤣🤣🤣
Yes you’re right about my son and his lack of respect for women. One thing that’s different with him and ex is that son realises he’s massively messed up so hopefully he’ll learn from it. Unfortunately I think that after letting go that ex slept with my sister I helped to enable his behaviour so he kept doing it. It’s really strange how flashbacks pop up when you least expect it. I was washing pots earlier and a vivid flashback popped into my head and it made me feel so angry with myself xx

Just imagining you both walking down the street, spoons held aloft to identify each other with @Apolloneuro in her green coat 😂😂😂

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

That’s so lively that you live near each other @Malbecfan and @Apolloneuro ! So lovely if you can meet. One of my best friends is someone I met on MN around 10 years ago and we go on holiday with our sons each year who are also good friends 😍. I love the idea of the green coat and spoons held aloft to identify yourselves 😁.

Ah, I’m sorry for your sons gf @Imbluedalale and also for him even though he realises he made a mistake! I’m also thinking it’s really revealing that he came to you for help and I can’t help but wonder if, when any wheels fall off, your children will ultimately turn to you. That’s so lovely that you got her some gifts. Maybe this will be an important learning point for your son 🤞. Please don’t think you enabled your ex in any way. He made his shitty choices and that’s all on him not you even if you were generous enough to forgive him. The cheating is a hard one, I have to see why my ex did it without blaming myself or excusing him, it’s such a difficult one to get both of those through your mind at the same time!

@Munchyseeds2 those sound such lively presents for your daughters friend. I’m sure she’ll appreciate the care 💕.

Hope you’re ok and having a better evening @Apolloneuro 💕.

Evening @RaspberryBeretxx , how’s your day been? Good I hope.
That’s so lovely that you met one of your best friends on here and that you go on holiday together . I love that ❤️
I gave my sons ex her gifts this evening , she didn’t seem particularly thrilled with them tbh and I can’t blame her . She got upset and it broke my heart that my son has done this to somebody. She said when she gets stressed she struggles to eat and she’s absolutely tiny anyway so that worried me. Why do people cheat? I’ll never get it , it’s one of the worst betrayals .
I have been having this bad memory of ex today, after I had my youngest I fell pregnant again and ex demanded I have an abortion as he didn’t want anymore. I went with what he said but I had to have a surgical termination and a week or so later I got really poorly with high fever , shivering and bleeding loads so they did another scan and I had some of the pregnancy still inside so had to have another procedure where they used a vacuum. This procedure gave me a prolapse as straight away afterwards I knew something was wrong so had to have an operation and staples put in my womb which was awful. Anyway as soon as I had the first procedure ex called me a baby killer and a murderer and kept calling me it for years even though he decided he didn’t want another baby. I remember leaving the clinic still really dazed after the anaesthetic and he was hungry so had to go sit in a pub so he could have some food and like an idiot I sat there for 2 hours waiting for him . I’m not sure why that memory has come back today but it’s one of the hardest flash backs I’ve had so far xx

That flashback sounds awful. I hope you know it wasn’t your fault in any way shape or form and you’re absolutely not a baby killer. It was just another way for your ex to twist things to make you to blame. Another way for him to make you feel bad. He’s a truly horrible abusive man. And all the horrible procedures you had to go through - I massively feel for you 💕. Maybe your brain is just trying to make sense of these horrible times your ex put you through. You’ve done nothing wrong. He was just a monster and unfortunately you were his victim but you’re out now and can process it all slowly and come to terms with it. Keep talking on here or to your mental health team as we can confirm that he’s an absolute arsehole!

Youve done all you can to help your son and now it’s up to his gf. She will be ok and make the right decision for her and your son will be ok too in the end. I’m glad at least you can be there for him and he can see that.

my day has been nice thanks. I ordered a present that my son wanted to get his gf and I’m currently watching black dove with DP but he’s snoring so I’m replying here instead of watching!

Thank you @RaspberryBeretxx , thank you for saying that because I’ve lived with the guilt for a long time but put it in a box because I couldn’t deal with it. When I had the flash back today it literally took my breath away and I had to sit down for a while.
Im glad you’ve had a nice day , what present did you order for your son’s girlfriend?I love buying gifts for people, it gives me great pleasure. Is black dove any good?xx

Laura, this is how coercive control works. Whatever you did would have been wrong, and he would have abused you over it. You did nothing wrong, you were being controlled by him and that is how the abuser keeps you down. This is just your brain allowing you to process things you have locked away for so long. Probably you are remembering now because you are in a safe place now. Don’t perpetuate his abuse by blaming yourself or feeling guilty, otherwise he is still controlling you. You are doing amazingly well, especially considering what he has put you through.
So glad your son came to you, he clearly knows you are the better parent to speak to about it, even though what he did wasn’t good.
Sending hugs 🤗🤗

Morning spoonies! Sorry been a bit quiet been poorly but on the mend.
Just caught up on the thread would love to be part of a WhatsApp group if you will have me?
Have a lovely Fortnum and Mason tea caddy decoration on my tree to represent our @Imbluedalale and her spoony journey, as a spoon means a lovely cuppa to me!

Hi Laura and all - it's going to take a long time to process the awful years with despicable ex and gruesome gran. My first marriage broke up over 35 years ago and I still wonder if my clothes aren't a bit tarty for example - very, very rarely though and it's like a different life altogether mostly that's like a (bad) TV show. The horrible memories will fade, and already it's suggested you are good to help others in your situation- which is amazing. Even on this thread your experience gives insight and helps others - this 'experience' being passed on for me is a great thing, it's how we make sense of what happened and use it for some good. It's so super raw for you still though you must be kind to yourself. You'd never have pleased the ex - some guys, maybe people, just relish finding anything and everything to beat another person with even when it's beyond irrational.
You've shown your kids you are better than to accept shite behaviour and also you can do amazing stuff solo. Sadly your son may learn more if his g/f refuses to try again - but you have handled it really well - you're so empathetic and kind.
Anyway I've been absent partly as I'm carp at keeping up with stuff but also Santa came early with a new grandchild - so that's been keeping us busy and happy.
I didn't get them a spoon stupidly - but I have got one of kids a cake slice which says 'happiness is cake' so that's my poor attempt at being a bit of a spoonie 🙈
I believe that I was born where you live Laura though moved early on, or was moved as I was a few weeks old, to the Weston Park city - not so far from you - it's a small world on here but mostly we never realise.
Wishing you and all of you a lovely and peaceful day full of nice things - and cake!

Good Morning Spoonies. While I avoid group chats like the plague and find them a huge responsibility I shall of course follow you lot wherever you end up!
I totally understand the reasoning though @Apolloneuro as this is the only thread I've ever been active on. I could count on one hand how many posts I've shared on here as once it's out there you can't take it back and I'm quite a private person with little to no online presence. I've been shocked at the slipping behaviour standards on MN and the sheer level of anger many keyboard warriors seem to possess. They even try to justify it when called out. It's definitely not the place I joined over 10 years ago.

@Imbluedalale so much trauma to process. My admiration of you only grows. Laura I really don't think many would have survived to tell the tale but I am so very glad you did 😍

@MsJinks Congratulations on the new arrival. There's nothing quite like the happiness a new birth brings.

One week to go now, I hope you are all prepared.........I've nothing major left to get, maybe a plant or some flowers for Mum and my Aunt which can wait for the weekend. LIdl have Christmas things due in store tomorrow so I might have a look at that.

Good morning @AdmittowearingCrocs , how are you today? Are you all sorted to go to your son’s house for Christmas? I can’t wait to hear all about it, I’m excited for you ❤️
My daughter stayed last night and she spent the afternoon with me but she was a bit grumpy as she was tired and said I talk too much. I said to her I was excited to see her and I spend a lot of time on my own so when I get company especially when it’s my children I get excited. Anyway she apologised to me for being mardy before she went to bed and said she’s tired. Also her grandma (exs mum) kept ringing her all afternoon wanting to ‘talk to her’. It must have really pained her that she was with me.
I slept terribly last night as I had stuff going round and round my head so I’ve been up since 5am cleaning. My mum and dad coming later and we are going to M&S for lunch which I’m looking forward to.
I do think it’s my mind trying to process everything hence me keep getting flashbacks . All I can do is keep trying to move forward and process it all as and when I can. It does help writing it down, I don’t know how but it does. I was reading this other thread the other day about worst thing your ex has done and it was a harrowing read. It’s crazy how many evil people there are out there xx

Good morning lovely, how are you today? So glad you’re starting to feel better. Sending big hugs.
Course your welcome in the wattsapp group you don’t even need to ask.
Thats so lovely and special that you have a tree decoration in mine and the spoonies honour 🥹🥹🥹🥹. Next year I’m definitely having a spoon tree and it’s going to look amazing in honour of all you spoonies xx

Good morning @MsJinks , how are you today?
Can you believe a week today is going to be Christmas Day?
Thank you for sharing your experience with me, that truly means a lot. I’m sorry you went through crap too but look at you now helping and supporting me .I hope one day I’ll be able to do the same.
I understand about the tarty comment, my ex hated me showing any cleavage so I’m so paranoid now and always wear high neck tops. He used to always say he was a bum man and I wasn’t blessed in that area. It’s horrible how stuff still affects you , I’m glad to hear that the memories do slowly start to fade. He completely made me into a shell of the person I was yet complained constantly and said I’ve changed ???
Nothing I did was ever good enough, I was too fat, then too thin then too loud then boring then putting too much effort into my appearance then not making enough effort . It was exhausting.
Thank you for your lovely comments , they truly mean a lot. When you’re constantly questioning yourself it’s nice to know that people think I have some good qualities. Thank you 🙏
Omg congrats on your new grandchild I bet you are thrilled.
I love that you got a cake slice , you’re definitely a spoonie.
Did you used to live in Sheffield?xx

Good morning @nornironlady , how are you today? Is your DS excited about Christmas? I was reading a thread earlier which has now been deleted and the OP was saying her son has been told off by school for swearing and she doesn’t know where he gets it from. Somebody made a comment and she replied ‘fuck off’ then called all the MN’s ‘fiat mulpiple whoppers’ I did have to google that 🤦‍♀️.
I truly believe I survived these last few months because I found all you lovely people on here. You all were the only people there for me when I was at rock bottom and your still there. You haven’t left me and I’m so truly thankful. I’ve got friends again and it feels amazing xx

Well @Imbluedalale my son is in total state of anxiety about getting up early enough on Christmas morning as well as his scooter being charged and ready to go for 6am!
It doesn't matter how much I tell him it will be here and ready, he can't believe until he sees it.
I'm over the moon about the turn of events yesterday. When the chips were down the children came to you. They clearly understand they can't get that support at home.

Such a turnaround from where you thought you were at last week. It's a pity your little one is just a bit too young to make these choices himself but I have hope for you. Lots of it.
I read advice on here one time about just not doing anything and seeing how things play out and I think it's a good idea sometimes. It's worked for your older two at least. 2 out of 3 ain't bad!

Awww bless him, that’s so cute ☺️. It’s a good job your an early riser 😂. Make sure that scooter is all charged !
My son sent me this last night, I think it’s the nicest thing he’s ever said to me …xx

@Imbluedalale Your relationship with the older two is probably also in transition of always being Mum to now becoming a friend and confidante. I've said to you before that I remember it myself at about 17 after years of hating it if my Mum breathed to thinking, I quite like her! Teenage emotions are so complex. Completing lacking in self awareness too! What a difference a day makes 😄

Phil mitchel and Ian Beale have arrived along with Marv from home alone digging into hell again xx

Thank you @nornironlady , I did get a few Huffs and eye rolls off my daughter yesterday but it was lovely seeing her nevertheless xx

Morning. I was just thinking yesterday we hadn’t seen you for a while @PeggyMitchellsCameo. I hope you’re feeling better. Good to get it over with before Xmas. I guess we all gather together a bit more at this time of year and share bugs.

@MsJinks a new grandchild! That’s about the best present anyone could wish for. Are they near you, so you can have lots of cuddles. How’s the new mum? Is it your daughter or DiL?

@nornironlady i bet you can’t wait to see his little face when he sees that scooter! I’m not I know how old he is?

Hi to spoonies not seen yet today @AdmittowearingCrocs @BeNavyCrab @RaspberryBeretxx @Giraffe888 @Munchyseeds2 @TealPoet et all.

Have we seen @ChoccieCornflake recently?

Go on and make the workers a drink, @Imbluedalale 😀 Bloody love the M&S cafe and food hall. Have fun. Reminds me I’ve got some M&S mince pies in the cupboard. Must have one today.

Oh dear. No Mr Grey?! No cookies for them today until they can bring some eye candy 😂.

What a lovely text from your son. I'm so glad you got to see your daughter as well despite the huffing (which sounds totally normal for a 17 yo! I'm sure I was the same...). I hope that when your younger son gets home, your older 2 will help him back to you. It must be hard for him to know what to think just now when he's isolated by his Dad.

Enjoy your M&S lunch, is your daughter at college today or is she coming with you? That sounds good to get out.

My DS got this for his gf: https://prya.co.uk/products/juliet-rose-necklace?_pos=1&_sid=bbb05f3e0&_ss=r&variant=20715961679926 It has pretty good reviews so hopefully it's a good choice (and arrives in time!). I then had a look around that site and now want a necklace with my initial and birth stone!

Morning all the spoonies. Hope you're all well. It's so windy out there!

Hope you're feeling a bit better today @Apolloneuro .

@MsJinks many congrats on your new grandchild. What a lovely early Christmas present 😍.

@nornironlady I love how excited your son is about his scooter and getting up early! Sounds like you won't get much of a lie in on Christmas day 😄.

Glad you're on the mend, @PeggyMitchellsCameo . I love the sound of the fortnum and masons tea caddy decoration.

@Apolloneuro my son is 10. We've got the Educational Psychologist due out today to discuss his school avoidance and while I'm not holding out any hope, I will continue to engage and keep trying to get him back in if only for a few hours a day.
@RaspberryBeretxx I don't often sleep in but what I don't like so much is everyone else in the house being up with me! My son has a friend a few doors away, there's 2 weeks between them in age and he is also getting the same scooter so they will probably be doing laps of the road by 6.15am!