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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bf refusing to take care of our cat

124 replies

Jellyfishy20 · 05/12/2024 13:44

This year has been hard as I’ve been diagnosed with pcos and sleep apnea and also lost three family members in the space of three months so my mum booked a family holiday for a week in Spain. I have recently adopted a stray kitten with my boyfriend of three years, at first he didn’t want me to keep him but eventually fell in love with him. I’m due to fly to Spain next week and asked my boyfriend to take care of him whilst I’m away. At first he said he would but now he is being horrible to me saying he wished we never got him, how I’m abandoning him and the cat, he’s never doing another favour for me again, I have to pay for both of them when I’m away (I was going to put money towards food just as I always do each week) and it’s just making me feel sad because I want to enjoy the last couple of days and if he asked me to look after his family’s pet I happily would. My cat is too young to be put in a cattery and I feel like it would be too stressful and I don’t have anybody else to watch him. AIBU for expecting my boyfriend to look after our pet? He keeps saying he’s not going to do it but I fly away on Tuesday so I have no other option.

OP posts:

user942557 · 05/12/2024 13:46

Does the cat actually belong to both of you or just you? As it sounds like the latter.
Do you live together?

Original poster

Jellyfishy20 · 05/12/2024 13:49

user942557 · 05/12/2024 13:46

Does the cat actually belong to both of you or just you? As it sounds like the latter.
Do you live together?

We live together and he picks and chooses when the cat is ours and when he is “mine” mostly when it’s something he doesn’t want to do.

OP posts:

Wellingtonspie · 05/12/2024 13:50

Adopted or found a kitten and kept it.

Anyway it sounds like he didn’t want nor like the kitten to start with. Then grew to tolerate it not love like you say because if he loved it he would be more than happy to look after it.

Yanbu to ask your partner to look after your cat, and I say yours as again he didn’t want it.

Yabu to expect the answer to be yes on an animal he didn’t even want.

He is being an arse on the whole abandoning thing in general and never ever doing a favour again bs. You sure you want to stay with such a whiner.

BluePapillon · 05/12/2024 13:52

What does he mean pay for both of them? I can understand if he wants you to make sure the cat has food but him?

Sounds like he just doesn’t want you to go to Spain without him and it’s little to do with the cat

Bex5490 · 05/12/2024 13:53

You don’t sound like you feel supported by him at all. Feel lucky it’s a cat not a kid and move on.

You can tell everything about a partner by how they treat you when you’re at a low (un-fun) point in your life.

❤️

Anotherparkingthread · 05/12/2024 13:53

If he can't manage a cat for a week he isn't suitable as a long term partner. What if you got sick? Do you want kids? Because you will be raising them alone if you have then with that man, whether you stay together or not.

Let him look after the cat while you abandon him for a week. Take space to breath come back then break it off with him. You can do loads better.

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 05/12/2024 13:54

Not sure I would want to leave the cat with him anyway. He doesn’t exactly sound like he is too fond of it.

Getting a pet when living with someone needs to be a joint decision for these exact situations.

user942557 · 05/12/2024 13:54

If you live together how do finances work? You say you put money towards the pet food each month so your finances are completely separate but you live together?

Sounds like he accepted you wanted to keep the kitten rather than actively wanted to keep it himself.

Womblewife · 05/12/2024 13:55

He is trying to sabotage your week away. Can you ask friends or extended family? I would make other arrangements and tell him to get his stuff out of your home while you are away. He is unpleasant and unsupportive at a time when you need him

stormsandsunshine · 05/12/2024 13:55

I can understand someone who didn’t originally want a cat feeling annoyed about having to look after the cat for a week. That doesn’t seem unreasonable.

BUT the comment about how you are abandoning him by going on holiday for a week is a massive red flag. Don’t stay in a relationship like that.

InsaneInTheMamBrain · 05/12/2024 13:55

He sounds jealous of the fact you are going away and is threatening to neglect the kitten to try to control you. How is the rest of your relationship?

Original poster

Jellyfishy20 · 05/12/2024 13:55

Wellingtonspie · 05/12/2024 13:50

Adopted or found a kitten and kept it.

Anyway it sounds like he didn’t want nor like the kitten to start with. Then grew to tolerate it not love like you say because if he loved it he would be more than happy to look after it.

Yanbu to ask your partner to look after your cat, and I say yours as again he didn’t want it.

Yabu to expect the answer to be yes on an animal he didn’t even want.

He is being an arse on the whole abandoning thing in general and never ever doing a favour again bs. You sure you want to stay with such a whiner.

The kitten was stuck in a bush next to its deceased mum so I’ve kept him since (had him for four months now) he has said himself that he can’t believe he was saying things like how he’s going to resent him because he loves him now and he does care about him so because of that I thought he’d be happy to help me out knowing how crap this year has been for me. My family hate him hence why he wasn’t invited. After this I won’t be asking him for favours and won’t be doing any favours for him either.

OP posts:

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 05/12/2024 13:56

He's just being a jealous, sulky prick about you going to Spain. He thinks if he makes a fuss about the cat you won't go.

Make alternative arrangements for the cat, enjoy your break and then reassess if you want him as your boyfriend when you return.

NameChangeNamaste · 05/12/2024 13:57

“Abandoning” him? What, is he 5? Taking care of himself and a cat for a week is not unreasonable. He’s clearly not a caring or mature person.

Wellingtonspie · 05/12/2024 13:57

So his a arse and your family hate him…. I guess because they see him being an arse to you? Or a bigger back story.

What are his redeeming qualities

Original poster

Jellyfishy20 · 05/12/2024 13:58

InsaneInTheMamBrain · 05/12/2024 13:55

He sounds jealous of the fact you are going away and is threatening to neglect the kitten to try to control you. How is the rest of your relationship?

Not great, recently found out he had been messaging other girls (the day after I watched my uncles life support machine be turned off) I was also selfish for coming back at midnight on the day of his funeral, I know I sound stupid for staying with him but my life has been so hectic I’ve not had chance to think which is why my family want to take me away.

OP posts:

user942557 · 05/12/2024 13:58

I thought he’d be happy to help me out

So the kitten is yours.

If the kitten was jointly owned you wouldn't need to ask him to help out.

GanninHyem · 05/12/2024 13:59

You should listen to your family.

Why are you paying for his food? Let me guess he's "between" jobs?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 05/12/2024 13:59

YANBU. I cared for SIL's dog when she went away for a few days, and I don't even like dogs. When you care for someone you help them out with stuff like this.

Wellingtonspie · 05/12/2024 13:59

Use this holiday as a time to mentally and with your families help ditch the jerk.

Original poster

Jellyfishy20 · 05/12/2024 14:00

BluePapillon · 05/12/2024 13:52

What does he mean pay for both of them? I can understand if he wants you to make sure the cat has food but him?

Sounds like he just doesn’t want you to go to Spain without him and it’s little to do with the cat

He wants me to bulk buy food for them both as he shouldn’t be paying for his own food because he’s doing me a favour. I’ve already said I would pay for the cat and was going to give him some money anyway but because he’s demanding I feel like I don’t want to now.

OP posts:

colachive · 05/12/2024 14:01

What a horrible man! Can you afford to put him in a Cattery while you’re away so at least you know he is safe?

Or post on FB to find a cat sitter?

he sounds like a horrible controlling arsehole, please get rid 🙏

Jagoda · 05/12/2024 14:01

I think I can see why your family hate him.

Explain the money comment please? Are you bankrolling this piece of shit?

colachive · 05/12/2024 14:01

Cattery is usually 10-15 per day and that will be less than paying for your boyfriends food which is outrageous

Rickrolypoly · 05/12/2024 14:02

Oh dear, this is not about the cat.

He doesnt want you to go and he is doing what he can to sabotage your holiday.

There is a reason your family hate him- time to wake up. This is not the man for you- cut him loose and thank your lucky stars this is a kitten and not a baby.

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