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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think WFH means I am WORKING

108 replies

Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 13:24

I got a fully remote job about 7 months ago. It's amazing - I love it. They are really flexible and I use my breaks to do drop off/pick up for DD who is 2 and all in all it's working well. She has had the odd day sick where I've been able to work because she's just laid on the sofa all day.

BUT, my DH thinks I am sat here dossing around all day. He gets pissy when I haven't put a wash on in the day because I've been too busy (some days are really full on and I get 10 min to eat my lunch, others are quieter and I use 10 min to tidy up round the house).

Today is his day off with DD and he woke up feeling 'really really unwell', which means he's been bed ridden all morning. I had to beg him to just watch her for half hour this morning whilst I had a 1:1 with my manager, and then he asked if I could take her out for the morning so he could rest and just 'work from my mobile'. It's driving me insane. Why does he think my job is any less busy or important because I WFH now and how do I get it into his head that I'm not here twiddling my thumbs.

OP posts:
NotTerfNorCis · 05/12/2024 13:35

There's a big campaign against WFH in the right wing press. It encourages people to believe that working from home means not working. Ironically, the journalists churning out these articles almost certainly work from home.

LimeYellow · 05/12/2024 13:37

He asked if you could take her out for the morning - that would drive me insane! You need to be very firm and keep saying over and over that you're working.

nightmarepickle2025 · 05/12/2024 13:39

Yanbu but there are frequent Mumsnet threads where people complain that their husband hasn’t taken a day off work when they’re too ill to look after the children….

Lavender14 · 05/12/2024 13:40

I would say if he's genuinely too ill to look after your dd then you need to take the day off too look after her op. Or even half a day.

I would say on the whole though, his general attitude to it is wick.

LeroyJenkinssss · 05/12/2024 13:40

Where are you working from? Is there a way to separate that from the main living space and it becomes the work office?

tbh you need to have a proper sit down with him and reiterate that he needs to give his head a wobble and realise work is work regardless of where you are. Or start sending him random messages during the day asking him to get x and y “whilst he’s out”. When he complains that he’s actually in the office just point out the hypocrisy.

Brefugee · 05/12/2024 13:42

do you have an office? (at home)

Close the door, lock it if necessary, ignore him. If he is too ill to look after child you have to decide if you want to take time off to look after her. If he is clearly just a bit sniffly, he can arrange alternative childcare.

You are working. You are not available. (having said that: i do bung in a load of washing while i make tea, for eg, or load/unload the dishwasher)

TeenLifeMum · 05/12/2024 13:42

I would lose my mind dealing with him. Dh wfh and I’m hybrid. Some days I can do house stuff between meetings but other days I can’t. On those days Dh makes me a cup of tea so I get to drink something. Your Dh is a disrespectful arse.

turkeymuffin · 05/12/2024 13:43

You're confusing 2 things.

1 - yes wfh is as valuable as working outside the home and all the nagging about housework etc needs to be addressed.

2 - if he is supposed to parent on x day but is genuinely too sick to do so, there needs to be a new childcare plan made. He's not unreasonable to ask you to take the day off. Or phone grandparents etc. obviously all of that is dependent upon exactly how sick he is. More likely he should be powering through and getting out of bed.

khaitai · 05/12/2024 13:44

YANBU but I was shocked reading a thread on here recently about WFH. The things people said they were doing during the day included making pies, going for an afternoon swim and "watching daytime TV in the background"!

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 13:44

Thank you - I do have a home office, so I do try and lock myself away in there on Thursday's when he's off with her as he will inevitably say 'oh can you watch her for half hour whilst I do XYZ...' - a few weeks ago he said 'oh shall I book my car in for it's service on Thurs, would you mind watching her for the morning whilst I took it in?' which I think is why today pushed me over the edge. He's poorly but we all are at the moment, and I don't think he's any worse than the rest of us.

I think because I'm not sat on back to back calls he thinks I'm not doing anything. He works in retail and obviously it's completely different to my role, so I just don't think he understands. Sometimes I have debated going to the library on a Thursday just so I'm not available..

OP posts:
Jagoda · 05/12/2024 13:45

I would have told him if he was too sick to undertake scheduled childcare, he should arrange an alternative.

Or taken myself off to a cafe with WiFi and left him to it.

Jagoda · 05/12/2024 13:46

Cross post. Do it. Go to the library on Thursdays.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/12/2024 13:47

Take yourself off to the Cafe or Library but make it very clear to him its because he is being an arse while you are trying to work.

Echobelly · 05/12/2024 13:49

NotTerfNorCis · 05/12/2024 13:35

There's a big campaign against WFH in the right wing press. It encourages people to believe that working from home means not working. Ironically, the journalists churning out these articles almost certainly work from home.

Yes, honestly those articles sound like a bunch of red-faced old men grumbling that no one wears a suit and tie anymore, which is equally irrelevant as to how hard people are working.

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 13:50

I used to work a 45 min commute away and was out of the house from 7am - 6pm when he watched DD alone. I honestly don't know how he managed it looking back. Next week I'm going to go to the library and have a nice quiet lunch alone..

OP posts:
Delorian · 05/12/2024 13:52

Yes get out of the house if you can. If not, loop earplugs in, door locked and say you're on calls all day.

JFDIYOLO · 05/12/2024 13:53

Your husband is sick.

You say you love your job and it's really flexible?

So test it. Take the day off and look after your own child.

So many threads here where husbands expect sick wives to carry all the childcare. It's equally wrong the other way round.

And for other days, I'd agree with suggestions to find a co working space where you're not considered default parent and can't be dumped on at short notice.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 05/12/2024 13:55

JFDIYOLO · 05/12/2024 13:53

Your husband is sick.

You say you love your job and it's really flexible?

So test it. Take the day off and look after your own child.

So many threads here where husbands expect sick wives to carry all the childcare. It's equally wrong the other way round.

And for other days, I'd agree with suggestions to find a co working space where you're not considered default parent and can't be dumped on at short notice.

Edited

She said everyone is as sick as each other so why would she be the one doing the childcare?!

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 13:58

@JFDIYOLO - I do plenty of childcare. All drops offs/pick ups and when DD is sick. (Once when I also had norovirus and DH couldn't take the day off). Trust me when I say he is not that poorly and I certainly don't expect him to carry the childcare 😂just to at least lay on the sofa in the same room as her whilst she watches cbeebies if necessary whilst I do my 1:1.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 05/12/2024 14:00

Sometimes I have debated going to the library on a Thursday just so I'm not available..

I'd do that, tbh

TequilaNights · 05/12/2024 14:02

Tell him because of his attitude to you working from home you have no choice but to return to the office, and start getting quotes from nursery's/childminders

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 14:07

I have thought about going back to the office. The bug bear is when we both worked in offices, we split everything 50/50 - drop offs, pick ups, sick days and it felt really equal, then it started to all fall to me when I got the new job. Maybe I need to push back on that now I'm settled into the role and get him to pick up his end again.

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 05/12/2024 14:08

Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 14:07

I have thought about going back to the office. The bug bear is when we both worked in offices, we split everything 50/50 - drop offs, pick ups, sick days and it felt really equal, then it started to all fall to me when I got the new job. Maybe I need to push back on that now I'm settled into the role and get him to pick up his end again.

Of course you need to push back.

I never really understand threads like this. Your DH is being hugely unreasonable, and you’re fully aware of it. Yet, you just seem to be tolerating it, as opposed to categorically stating to him what you’ve said here. Why is that?

cooldarkroom · 05/12/2024 14:09

What if you said, Its like you telling him taking DC to work? Its an obvious big No.

Def go to the library next week.
Tell him as he finds it acceptable to pass you the child care even though you are working a full time job, you have unfortunately got to remove yourself from the house, to be able to meet their requirements.

Cakeandusername · 05/12/2024 14:11

He sounds like he’s trying to sabotage you - of all the times not to have a toddler there it’s during 1-1 with manager. Library is a good shout.
Definitely look at what you do v him. Eg if he was doing some drop offs you could presumably put washing on in that 8-9 slot etc.