To think WFH means I am WORKING

[Bounty9]

I got a fully remote job about 7 months ago. It's amazing - I love it. They are really flexible and I use my breaks to do drop off/pick up for DD who is 2 and all in all it's working well. She has had the odd day sick where I've been able to work because she's just laid on the sofa all day.

BUT, my DH thinks I am sat here dossing around all day. He gets pissy when I haven't put a wash on in the day because I've been too busy (some days are really full on and I get 10 min to eat my lunch, others are quieter and I use 10 min to tidy up round the house).

Today is his day off with DD and he woke up feeling 'really really unwell', which means he's been bed ridden all morning. I had to beg him to just watch her for half hour this morning whilst I had a 1:1 with my manager, and then he asked if I could take her out for the morning so he could rest and just 'work from my mobile'. It's driving me insane. Why does he think my job is any less busy or important because I WFH now and how do I get it into his head that I'm not here twiddling my thumbs.

You need to stamp this out. Mum mum was like then when I first started WFH which was years before Covid. She ring the doorbell and want to come in for a coffee and a chat or she'd call me to go and met her at the coffee shop. Drove me mad. She finally got the message.

Honestly I don't know @ThatTealViewer. I was great at making sure everything was equal previously. I think when I started in this job it was more DH saying he was working late/starting early and I'd say oh I don't mind doing it today, and then we found ourselves here with me just doing it all. It's not on, I know that.

You’re a kind and loving person in a relationship, who approaches things as a partner should - you want to lighten his load and help when and where you can. He clearly isn’t approaching things in the same manner. So, unfortunately, you need to assert yourself, state boundaries and refuse to accept this nonsense anymore. The situation isn’t going to naturally resolve itself.

Actually they mostly don't. The RW titles have all called their staff fully back to the office. And most of them are fuming about it.

The columnists who write one piece a week aren't staff, of course.

I agree with this. If he's bed ridden as you say, then you need to use a family leave day and look after your child

It's 2.30 - what time does the library close?

I was working 10.5hrs a day on phones in my bedroom for telecomms firm, had 2 x 10 min breaks and 30 mins for lunch. But,,,,,because i was 'at home', there was a very big expectation on me to have washing done, cleaning, get anyone's parcel's coming to the door, tea on or at least in the slow cooker, look after sick kids if they were off school, it drove me absolutely insane. He then used to come in from work, into the bedroom I was working in and get undressed, showered, opening and closing wardrobes and doors and gets changed and try to talk to me in the process.

I was more stressed by the expectation of well you are at home so,,,,,

My ex used to do this to me on his day off with the kids while I was WFH. Constantly interrupting me during meetings, asking me to watch them for half an hour while he went for a poo , accusing me of not caring about my children when I tried to put my foot down and work elsewhere. I couldn't do the same back to him because he was office based.

In my case it was indicative of a wider lack of respect for me and my boundaries and autonomy. In his eyes I was only functioning correctly when I was in 'obedient wife' mode. One of many reasons why I left him.

Definitely go to the library next week, but don't tell him that's where you are, because he'll probably come up with an excuse as to why you need to go home

I wouldn't take a day off to let him stay in bed and die quietly unless a) he was properly sick and b) I was quite confident he would do the same if asked irrespective of how awkward it would be with his employer. [save causing huge disruption if medical or similar]

You need to sit him down and set out how he is taking your job for granted as though it is not a real job and you can just drop everything when asked. If he doesn't want a day with DD then it's an additional cost for nursery but you will lose your job if your employer thinks you are taking the piss.

That you've noticed you have both slipped into a routine where you are doing all the logistics with your child constraining you at both ends of the day and he is sniping that small tasks at home aren't done. Probably precisely because you have not a second to lose all day. It's not fair and if the boot was on the other foot he would quite rightly be annoyed.

Your H really has got a nerve. I'm working from home at the moment full time because I'm waiting for complex surgery. I normally work in a clinic.
It's full on and if I'm caught away from my desk if someone team calls me or sends an email I'd really be in trouble.
I certainly don't have time to clean up or put a wash on. I'd be furious if someone treated me like this.

Or he'll turn up with the kid to choose library books and see Mummy.

If he's too ill to care for your child then you need to do that.

For all the other times he either understands you're working and can't look after the child, he doesn't understand and so you leave the house or he doesn't understand nor wants to care for your child so you have to put her in childcare.

The former is the best outcome. Is he a bit stupid or just selfish? The middle forces him to do what he's meant to do (pathetic to have to treat him like a child). The latter is the worst and would make me question how he feels about your and your child.

I would absolutely go and work from the library on Thursdays. Apart from anything else, it can do you good to have a change of scene occasionally (I also wfh and recognise this).

I’d go out and work from a cafe in future. If you’re not around, you’re not available to fill the vacuum. My DH used to pull the same stunts when I was wfh and he was off with our 2 year old. It was so, so irritating! You’ll need to be firm
and consistent for this behaviour to stop.

Firstly, you need to have a conversation with your husband about how your work differs from his and that when you're working from home you are actually doing the same work you would do in the office, just not commuting to the office to do it. You're going to be just as busy and at meetings and such but they will be online meetings, not in person meetings.
As such, you are at work. You may need to get a sign for the door of your home office and when it says "Mummy is working", they leave you alone. If it says "Work is Finished" or "On a break" then they can knock to come in or you can go and put on a wash (not necessarily take it out of the machine when it's finished so your DH should check that) but that's if you get a chance.
If he keeps interrupting you while you work from home, then move to the library (but will you be able to make/receive Teams calls from there if you need to??) or you'll go back to working in the office but that would mean a complete return to the 50/50 split of all of the chores.

Put the ball in his court and get him to really think of the consequences of what he says/does next.

I don’t know to be honest.

DH can never ever put a wash on or empty the dishwasher when he’s wfh because he’s working and is oh so busy. But then if the car needs a valet or something he can. So yes I’m cynical. Expecting you to take DD out is obviously ridiculous though.

You know the answer to this one - you have a DH problem. He simply doesn't consider your work as important or relevant as his. If he did he wouldn't expect you to simultaneously work and provide childcare (be he ill or "servicing the car").

From what you say the difference with you working at home is that you have 1.5 hrs per day where you are not commuting and can save a bit on childcare. That is the only "extra" time in the pot and if you are using it for childcare then quite often not a lot else will happen.

You need to get back to a 50/50 split, maybe with an allowance for the small amount of extra time at home - he can revert to that or you will return to the office and he can do all the extra drop offs/pick ups etc.

How much housework does he get done on his day with DD? Is he pulling his weight on those days or just fobbing her off on you whilst doing other stuff?

Emergency leave for dependents does not necessarily mean the whole day. For many companies, it’s just enough time to arrange alternate childcare.

Unpaid parental leave typically requires written notice.

Great if you work for an employer who allows you to take leave at a moments notice but for most it’s not possible.

my ex was like that during Covid. i was working my socks off remotely and he was expecting me to work, look after kids, clean cook dinner and potty train the little one whislt i was home. total lack of respect.

Yes, obviously just take what’s needed 👍🏼

This is the down side of home working. I’d go to a library, shared space etc. If he is to ill he should have a back up plan or you need to take a day off as long as he does the same for you.

Do you get paid? (I assume you do)

Then just ask him what the fuck he thinks you get paid for if he thinks you aren't working?

Also ask him why he hasn't been smart enough to get one of these magic jobs where they pay you to sit at home all day and do nothing?

I wonder if he was like this Op when you were on maternity leave? Some men seem to get a bit too comfortable with leaving everything to their DW when there's someone at home all day, even though you're now doing paid work he still thinks tasks fall to you just because you're there. Maybe it's time for a re-set, tell him you'll go back to the office and he goes back to doing 50/50

Sounds like DH wants his day off old style not day off with child.