To think WFH means I am WORKING

[Bounty9]

I got a fully remote job about 7 months ago. It's amazing - I love it. They are really flexible and I use my breaks to do drop off/pick up for DD who is 2 and all in all it's working well. She has had the odd day sick where I've been able to work because she's just laid on the sofa all day.

BUT, my DH thinks I am sat here dossing around all day. He gets pissy when I haven't put a wash on in the day because I've been too busy (some days are really full on and I get 10 min to eat my lunch, others are quieter and I use 10 min to tidy up round the house).

Today is his day off with DD and he woke up feeling 'really really unwell', which means he's been bed ridden all morning. I had to beg him to just watch her for half hour this morning whilst I had a 1:1 with my manager, and then he asked if I could take her out for the morning so he could rest and just 'work from my mobile'. It's driving me insane. Why does he think my job is any less busy or important because I WFH now and how do I get it into his head that I'm not here twiddling my thumbs.

That was astonishing! Relaxing in the bath, doing gardening, going to the gym, doing the school run, housework etc and having daytime tv on during the actual work! It was quite an eye opener.

OP, you're going to have to be clear about what your working day entails, although why he can't work this out is puzzling. You probably need to get some extra childcare plans in place, though.

Is he actually sick or is it 'dressing gown of doom man sick'.

If you had the level of illness that he's currently suffering, would he take the day off work to look after DD or would you just crack on?

My MIL doesn't understand when I work from home that I actually need to work, she thinks I'm just having the day to myself. It must be even more frustrating when it's your husband that thinks this.
I confess I do put the washing on and do a little bit of housework if I can because my one wfh day is like gold dust and it's pretty much the only opportunity. But anything like childcare wouldn't be an option.
You need to be frank with your husband and firm about what you can or can't do. It's tricky when you're busier at different times of the year too- I find I can do more done in the summer as workload is quieter. I've barely been able to do anything this autumn term as most days have been flat out. Failing all of that - go out to your library!

Your husband is totally ridiculous to ask you to take her out for a morning! My husband has the most laid back WFH job I've heard of (as long as he makes up time later) and taking a whole morning for childcare would be a major thing to ask.

I can understand thinking WFH has some level of flexibility that an office doesn't. Like you say, often you can take 10 minutes to put on a wash or tidy up etc. Even in my job which is quite "bums on seats", I can do that most days.

But you need to have a strong word with your husband and really hammer it home that working from home is still working. Don't let him brush you off with an "OK, I get it", really make it clear that this is unacceptable and he needs to understand. It's not unreasonable to expect you to occasionally do some extra home things in my opinion, but getting annoyed if you can't is totally unreasonable.

I do think you've slightly undermined yourself by having the 2 year old home with you when she's sick though. That wouldn't be acceptable at any WFH job I've had, and I can see why it makes your husband think your job isn't quite as busy as you say it is, if you can risk being on-call for a sick toddler at the same time.

Rethink your marriage. This is a huge red flag.

How about dc goes to nursery in his day off moving forward amd he does the housework?

My dh was like this until he started working from home...

My DM is the same. My Dsis has days when she is on call and can do what she likes as long as she doesn't drink or go 10 miles or further away. My DM thinks WFH days are like this and is always asking me to take her places on 'my day off'.
I say I can only help her within my dinner hour as I can get a call on teams from any colleague at any time and most will involve sharing screens.
I do enjoy the extra time to do housework or have a bath in the 2 hours saved from commuting though!

Well it works both ways how many times on here are women complaining about men on here working from home? And not doing what they demand

'I am having a day off he needs to go in to the office' has to be up there

My colleague created loads of jobs for her DH to do when he was working from home full time. She did it because she didn’t want him to be constantly in the house. He was there when she left for work, he was there when she got home and he was there on her half day. He now goes into the office 2 days a week and that seems to make everyone happier. Maybe your husband is doing something similar(not saying it is right btw).

I also think one of the reasons people have always respected workers is because they head out to a ‘big, important’ offices. Hunched over a computer in the spare room wearing a Oodie doesn’t give off the same vibes.

What’s the point of him? Sounds like you’re doing everything and it’s be easier without him sabotaging you!

Yanbu. I work from home and rarely even get a chance to take a lunch break! I feel guilty stopping to make a drink or nip the loo. I feel really grateful for the trust placed in me and don't want to abuse it

And yet the work I do is just as complex and just as serious. In fact I save the really complex drafting and research for days when I am working at home. In the office it is far harder to focus for a sustained period.

It's rather superficial to think an outfit affects the seriousness of the job. Some of the best lawyers I know are the least well dressed. Some of the snappiest dressers were utterly negligent lawyers

If you're all sick I'd have been tempted to call in too and then both look after her, as you're both sick, but I'm petty!

Do you think he really doesn't think you work or do you think he's feeling guilty about the imbalance so to aswage that guilt he's minimizing what you do so he doesn't have to feel bad about the fact he's no longer pulling his wait?

Or do you think he's jealous of his lack of flexibility and the commute etc? And just being petty.

I'd definitely speak to him about the imbalance the fact you're going to not be working from home on his Thursday because of his attitude and your productivity is being reduced by all the interruptions. But, more than that if you lose your job, and lose the flexibility you'll be expecting him to pick up more of the slack as it's completely avoidable and jobs loke this are like gold dust and that's he's not being a team player, and you need a partner not someone you're having to justify yourself to constantly.

Good luck!

I think you have to be really firm on your boundaries. If you flex at all, H will think that you can, and thus that it's OK for him to keep asking. It has to be a hard no from you, every time.
I would be quite sharp and bordering on rude to anyone who suggested that I jeopardise my job. Your only response has to be " Of course not, I'm working."
Putting on the dishwasher is one thing, (on days when you do have time, not as an expected thing) because it takes 5 minutes. Childcare is quite different. If he can't look after DC because he is so ill, he needs to arrange alternative care.
That's the thing with childcare, you don't get a day off because you've got a cold. If it's your own child, you just stagger on, unless you actually can't, eg broken back or something similar, that might require hospitalisation.
You need to treat WFH like you would an office job. If you don't, he won't.

He is a joke. Jesus. He works in retail, it’s shit pay a thankless but hardly the most taxing job in the world. He’s clearly threatened by your new role and is belittling it at every turn.

@Itissunnysomewhere Of course it is superficial. That is exactly my point. Men have traditionally been respected because they head out to their ‘big, important’ office in a suit. Staying at home is what women did and is not respected. My inlaws are still completely convinced that their son is the main breadwinner in the family even though my SIL has always earned far more than him (and they have been told this). It is because he goes out to work and she has worked from home.

It’s not because you WFH that he acts like that. It’s because he has a penis and you don’t.

You can also possibly point him at work policies. Ours is that if you wfh you can't be doing childcare !

I have 3 kids under 6, most days WFH while doing 3 x school runs and making lunch/dinner/washing etc. The only way out is to be super efficient and organised, which I've learnt the hard way, otherwise it all gets on top. When I get up, first thing I do before coffee is put a wash on, that way I know it's in and isn't coming out! Every evening plan the next days meal so I defrost meat or whatever. It's not easy and parents have to work together when both working. When my husband is WFH he does school runs and helps out with baby.

That would drive mad OP! Being remote does mean I do things like stick a laundry load on, move it to the drier, walk dog etc I spend a lot less time away from my computer than I ever did in the office… not to mention I open my laptop at 6.30am 3 days a week, and the other two go for an early run but am ready to go at my desk still by 8/8.30am…

Is he genuinely too sick to look after her? Or is he bloke sick? In my experience women just get on with it and in the same circumstances men don't. Dressing gown of doom. If he's too sick then you would need to take the time off or call in a favour. On the day that he's home with her go to a cafe with good WiFi or the library and your headphones.

I love the idea of getting a sign for the door for working from home.
I have the same on the rare occasion i work from home... constant interruptions.
Tbh the library is a good shout and i might try it myself :)
Plus saves putting the heating on :)

If there is an office maybe you could do some office days just so that the responsibility gets shared again esp with pick ups and drop offs.

Yes, very clear why so many organisations are having to mandate return to office several days a week.