My OH says that I smell unpleasant, and that I have no self-respect, that I disgust them, and so on. They call me a 'disgusting pig' in front of our son, and they say the same things to him too - that he smells bad. My son and I are both autistic, with issues around self-care, so, likely, we are not as fresh-smelling or clean as other people, I am not sure. We try our best.
As a result, I have become paranoid about this and no longer like meeting people since I am aware that I smell, even if I can't smell it myself. I have a weakened bladder due to recent bladder cancer and I am worried that perhaps this contributes to making me smell too, even though I am not aware of it. Because I smell so bad, my partner has refused to sleep with me now for over five years. They say that they would consider having a romantic relationship with me if I stopped smelling so bad, but I can't seem to become good enough.
I do try to keep clean and fresh, but my OH says that even if I have had a bath they are still repulsed by me because I 'obviously' have no self-respect, and that disgusts them as much as the smell, so having a bath in itself doesn't make me clean in their eyes. I am now retired, so I don't meet people socially or in public often, but when I do I am now self-conscious and I think everyone is aware of how I smell.
Yesterday I heard that my violent and abusive step-father died, and I spoke about on Facebook about how I felt about it. I hid it from family members because I didn't want to cause trouble for them. I also hid it from my OH because I thought they would be unsympathetic. But they discovered what I had said about my stepfather (all bad!) through another person and are now saying I am toxic because I didn't share my thoughts with them on Facebook, and that I shouldn't hide things from them.
Am I being unreasonable in thinking that I am not being treated fairly? It doesn't seem toxic to me to want to deal with a death in my family in my own way. The thing with my stepfather on top of the smell business and my loneliness make me wonder if I should get a divorce and end the relationship, but I am not sure if they haven't got a point. I am now retired and don't have many friends, so I am frightened of losing the little family I have, but at the same time I don't want to spend my final years with someone who finds me so repulsive and makes me so ashamed of myself.