Smelly and toxic

[largelyinnocent]

My OH says that I smell unpleasant, and that I have no self-respect, that I disgust them, and so on. They call me a 'disgusting pig' in front of our son, and they say the same things to him too - that he smells bad. My son and I are both autistic, with issues around self-care, so, likely, we are not as fresh-smelling or clean as other people, I am not sure. We try our best.

As a result, I have become paranoid about this and no longer like meeting people since I am aware that I smell, even if I can't smell it myself. I have a weakened bladder due to recent bladder cancer and I am worried that perhaps this contributes to making me smell too, even though I am not aware of it. Because I smell so bad, my partner has refused to sleep with me now for over five years. They say that they would consider having a romantic relationship with me if I stopped smelling so bad, but I can't seem to become good enough.

I do try to keep clean and fresh, but my OH says that even if I have had a bath they are still repulsed by me because I 'obviously' have no self-respect, and that disgusts them as much as the smell, so having a bath in itself doesn't make me clean in their eyes. I am now retired, so I don't meet people socially or in public often, but when I do I am now self-conscious and I think everyone is aware of how I smell.

Yesterday I heard that my violent and abusive step-father died, and I spoke about on Facebook about how I felt about it. I hid it from family members because I didn't want to cause trouble for them. I also hid it from my OH because I thought they would be unsympathetic. But they discovered what I had said about my stepfather (all bad!) through another person and are now saying I am toxic because I didn't share my thoughts with them on Facebook, and that I shouldn't hide things from them.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that I am not being treated fairly? It doesn't seem toxic to me to want to deal with a death in my family in my own way. The thing with my stepfather on top of the smell business and my loneliness make me wonder if I should get a divorce and end the relationship, but I am not sure if they haven't got a point. I am now retired and don't have many friends, so I am frightened of losing the little family I have, but at the same time I don't want to spend my final years with someone who finds me so repulsive and makes me so ashamed of myself.

For your child - Please ask your child's school asap if they've noticed anything at all. I imagine they're very attuned to this sort of thing and are used to advising? If they say nothing is amiss, I'd believe them.

But if they say yes, take their advice. It will only be helpful to your child, making friends, etc.

For you - Am I right that you're both men? I can only say that for many women, a smell can be very off-putting socially, romantically, sexually. So it may well be for men too.

Your GP/dentist might be able to help for a general health checkup and some frank feedback. My dental hygienist tells it like it is if I need anything sorting. And as you've had bladder cancer, perhaps something might need investigating and treating? And again, if they say there's nothing - believe them.

And in both cases, I'd be wondering what was going on with your partner and the relationship for them to say this.

It may not be you that's the problem.

Re the family - try to access some therapy for survivors of abusive family history. This is definitely them, not you.

Once you're on top of all that - start looking outwards, hobbies, activities, friends.

@Jumell Why on earth would you quote the entire post? You were the first person to post and even if you weren’t there’s no need.

I’ve now seen that comment.

If you’re not brushing your teeth and changing your clothes on a daily basis, and bathing at least every other day, then you probably do smell. There are steps you can take to make daily hygiene more manageable for yourself. I’d recommend starting a new thread asking for suggestions. People can be fantastically helpful with they sort of thing on MN. It really is a great resource (nest of vipers though we are).

Regardless of the above, your partner’s treatment of you is unacceptable and abusive.

It sounds like your OH is chipping away at your self-esteem and self-worth, and has been doing for a long time.
Maybe talking through what you're experiencing would help. This is a fantastic charity:
https://mankind.org.uk/

To the person who asked, are we both men. No. I am a man, my OH a woman.

I have asked my OH why they only started finding me dirty five or so years ago. They say I used to be cleaner. I didn't. But I asked, and that's what they say.

This is a hard one because it does seem from what you say, that the feedback about your hygiene could be valid even if said insensitively. And it might be that your child is picking up your habits and your wife is struggling to cope with that. It’s one thing if it’s just impacting you, it’s another if it’s impacting the kids too.

The thing is that it could be your clothes, hair, bedding etc that carries your smell as well. So unless you’re washing absolutely everything, the smell may be retained elsewhere even if you have just washed yourself. If you’re having bladder problems, your mattress could even be soaked previously and retaining the smell for example. So I don’t think she’s necessarily exaggerating.

Another aspect is if you don’t regularly brush your teeth, you can get tonsil stones, bleeding gums, general oral issues which may make your breath smell even on the days you did brush your teeth (which doesn’t seem often). You might need to visit the dentist.

Personally I do think this relationship has probably run its course. She’s likely not going to be able to move past this, and it seems neither will you. You both have fundamentally different ways of living.

I do think it’s in your best interests to improve your hygiene regardless of what happens though - it’s your own benefit as opposed to anyone else.

It may be she has reached the end of her tether with it and with your lack of response to what she's been trying to tell you subtly for some time.

And now because she may not be feeling at all heard, she's finally reached the blunt speaking stage - and you've only now noticed and are reacting to what she's been hinting at all along.

Time to change your attitude to personal hygiene.

This stuff matters.

There has been sensible practical advice here which will all help.

Time to do something about it.

Seek advice and help from child's school, your GP and dentist. Follow the hygiene advice. Check out the mattress etc as suggested before.

OP without doubt the toxic person here is your partner, and they reek of bully, too. I don't know if you are in fact smelly, but I could easily imagine that you aren't at all and they use your insecurities against you.

To me this sounds like an LTB situation. I wouldn't talk like your partner talks to you to the doctor who fouled up my child's treatment. Your 'partner' isn't on your side, but that's a minimum requirement for a partner.

I think op I would ask a trusted friend who you know will tell you honestly and who you think has pretty good standards for themselves in terms of hygiene. That's one issue.

The other is the way your wife is speaking to you. It's abusive and unacceptable to use derogatory names and insults towards you. She may get frustrated with a difference in levels of cleaning or self care but that doesn't give the excuse to abuse.

Do you feel happy in your relationship? Is it a relationship that you want to continue?

There's 2 issues here. Your partner is being abusive, or at very best, unkind. You also have hygiene problems.

With regards to your partner, you should consider whether leaving her would make your life (and hygiene) better.

With regards to the hygiene, you absolutely need to do better. I understand you have sensory problems but you really need to shower daily and brush your teeth twice a day. If you have incontinence problems and aren't showering daily, I think that your smell must be quite bad. Bad breath is also extremely unpleasant.

I know you don't like doing it but you need to understand that the smells you may be inflicting on other people are likely to be very unpleasant. I don't just mean your partner but anyone who comes in contact with you at work, in a shop, on public transport etc.

When you bathe, are you just sitting in the bath/showe getting wet or are you cleaning yourself properly?

You should look into different types/flavours of toothpaste and try and find something that upsets you the least.

You need to address your hygiene regardless of if you decide to stay with your partner. You also need to work hard and making sure your child's hygiene is looked after too.

I hope things get better for you.

If you don't shower regularly then you smell. There is no 'I'm not sure if I smell' about it. As you use incontinence pads, you probably smell really badly, since you don't shower regularly. If you don't brush your teeth, your breath will smell terrible.

Your partner may be abusive, or may just be at the end of their tether with your awful hygiene. I would find it horrendous and could not be in a relationship or share a space at all with someone who smells like you absolutely must do. If I worked with you, I would complain about you and wouldn't be in the same room as you. I'm not trying to be mean. A lot of posters are criticising your partner, but it took you a while to actually acknowledge that you don't shower or brush your teeth and you still haven't said how often you shower or bathe. It will be affecting all of your relationships. I'm being straight with you because it's not right just to blame your partner and have all of these posters saying you probably don't smell that bad. You do. You have a problem.

Why are you together?
A partner is supposed to enjoy your company and be your biggest supporter in life surely? Not to make you feel disgusting!

If you felt happier then from what you are saying you would have better hygiene as your self esteem would be better?

I'd say that the thing that smells, or rather stinks, is your partners attitude. They don't sound un the least bit helpful, kind or considerate. If you 'repulse' them so much, why have they stayed?

Regarding hygiene, there may or may not be things you are not doing but if there are sensory issues, it's going to be more difficult. I sometimes gag when cleaning my teeth and it can take a bit of mental strength to carry on.
I wonder if you could use the chewable toothpaste tablets and maybe a waterpik?
The bladder issues are more complex- I don't know if there is any medication that could help, but incontinence pads sound useful.

Try this on for size. You do not smell. Your husband says you smell because he wants you to be unhappy and on edge. He doesn't want you making friends or acquaintances because that might lessen his influence over you. He wants you miserable, with a tiny life which is centred on him. He is lying about your smell. This is a very common tactic indeed ~ look it up. All the best to you and your son.

OP is male

The fact that you're a man and your wife is the one complaining about your hygiene makes no difference - or shouldn't.

I appreciate you struggle with this issue due to your autism, but it really is revolting to be around someone with such poor personal hygiene as you have described. Your son struggles with it too so she gets a double whammy looking after him as well.

YOU are responsible for your hygiene and you ought to be helping your son with his too, as well as your wife.

If you cannot get to grips with this she may prefer to live away from you. Doesn't that prospect spur you into tackling this and making yourself clean every single day? She may still not want intimacy if her feelings have changed, but she may not then leave you.

Or would you rather live alone?

@Hoppinggreen

Yes op is male. Read my other posts ! Plus all I've said men can still use

Poor personal hygiene is a frequent topic of 'I've got the ick' threads here.

And the OP at their wits' end with their partner's attitude and unfortunate smell almost inevitably receives support and empathy.

The fact your child is also being criticised is odd.

Sort this out. School, GP, dentist, personal hygiene.

Your partner sounds awful! They should be supporting you to deal with trauma around your step father and should be helping you and child with hygiene needs if it is actually a problem. However it sounds like maybe your hygiene isn't so bad and they're using it to gaslight and control you. You deserve better! Please look after yourself and your child ❤️ that might mean leaving this cruel person.

Sixpence39

You surely haven't read all the OP'S posts?

Who’s right or wrong is irrelevant.

What matters is that this relationship isn’t healthy and is making everyone in your house unhappy.

@largelyinnocent you do need to address your hygiene problems for your own health. We stay clean not just to please others, but also to avoid infections and illness.

Do the best thing for all of you and separate. ❤️

OH has really demoralised me and actually makes it much harder to be cleaner, since when I am clean it doesn't make any difference to them. So, I do make the effort, but could try harder, it’s just that making an effort doesn't make any difference to them. It has been more than five years now that they refuse any intimacy with me, whether I ham clean or not

It is completely unacceptable to expect sex when you know full well that you smell. I’m astonished you think she should tolerate that. Your poor wife.

I divorced my exh due to this issue. I would have to nag him into having a shower and when he did, he expected sex. Is that what you mean when you say it doesn’t make a difference to her?

It is not abusive to refuse sex with someone who stinks.

You seem to have associated being clean and smelling good with getting sex. And that if you aren't getting it why should you bother.

You have a wife, a child and a reputation. Friends, colleagues, people you casually interact with. And you have your self respect.

Switching on the shower, using shampoo, soap and a flannel, toothpaste and mouthwash and a deodorant is not that hard. Build the habits so it becomes second nature and stop blaming her for her reaction to your choices.

It is also demoralising having to beg your partner to wash and brush their teeth. It is demoralising to know that your partner doesn't care how their stink affects you. It is demoralising to know that your friends and family probably talk about your partner smelling of stale piss. It's not just about the lack of respect you have for yourself, it is also the lack of respect you have for your partner. Your OH sounds completely fed up. They've probably been trying for years to get you to address this issue, but it's only getting worse now with the incontinence. And now your son is repeating the same pattern of behavior. Washing daily should be non-negotiable when you live with other people. Parents are responsible for teaching their children proper hygiene habits. This is impossible to do when one parent blatently does the opposite. You are failing your son here. Lead by example.